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Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth. She told the Lord that it was awful, she had to sleep in cold back alleys where there was no food and life was hard. God told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way but here, in heaven, she would be happy and He would give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on. The cat laid down upon the pillow and was happy.

A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and God asked them how they had liked earth. Earth was no better for them than it was the cat.

They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people. God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them rollerskates.

One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she was liking heaven. She explained that it was absolutely wonderful. The pillow he gave her was the most comfortable place that she had ever slept on, but even better than the pillow were the meals on wheels.

by (few years ago!) / 540 views
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A man is walking down the street when he hears a voice, "Pssst you come over here!" He looks round and can see no one but an old mangy greyhound. "yes over here!" Said the greyhound "Look at me Im tied up here, I should be racing I won 14 races in my carrer you know?" The man thought to himself "Oh my god a talking dog, I have to have it, it will make me rich, tv appearances cabaret bookings" So he goes in search of the owner.He found the owner and said "Id like to buy your dog, is he for sale??" The owner says "No mate you dont want that old moth eaten thing!" "But I do!" Insisted the man "Illl give you 1000 pounds for him. "Ok said the owner but I think your making a big mistake!" Handing over the money the man said "Why do you think that?" The man replied "Because that dogs a bloody liar its never won a race in its life!"

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What should you know before you teach your dog a new trick?You should know more than your dog.

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On the steps of this church two pan handlers were doing their dailybusiness. One wore a large cross on his chest and the other - a starof David. Of course, most of the church goers generously gave to thecross wearer and the other was overlooked.Finally the Pastor approached the Jew and suggested that if he takeoff the star of David maybe hed get some more hand outs."Get this guy, Chaim" laughs the pan handler and turns to his crosswearing pal, "Hes trying to teach *us* how to do business!"

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THE GIRAFFE

A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe and says, "A beer for me, and one for the giraffe, please." So they proceed to drink. Then: "...a shot for me and one for the giraffe, too" And they keep drinking all evening.

Finally the giraffe passes out on the floor of the bar. The guy pays the tab and gets up to leave.
The bartender shouts out, "Hey! You're not going to leave that lying on the floor, are you?"

The guy replies "That's not a lion... it's a giraffe."

by (few years ago!)
QUOTES WE REMEMBER OUR WISE LEADERS BY

If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread & butter will be cut from right under your feet."
- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin.

"Without censorship things can get terribly confused in the public mind."
- General William Westmoreland, during the war in Viet Nam.

"Things are more like they are now than they ever were before."
- Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
- Former French President Charles de Gaulle

"The Internet is a gateway to get on the net."
- U.S. Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole

"Traditionally most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
- Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery.

"The President has kept all the promises he intended to keep."
- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on "Larry King Live"


by (few years ago!)
Can I help you?

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, ''Can I help you?''

''Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines.''

by (few years ago!)
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