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Funny Animal Jokes

There was a man that owned a giant gorilla and, all its life, he'd never left it on its own. But eventually he had to go on a business trip and had to leave his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor. So he explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock.

But he was never ever, ever to touch its fur.

So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, “Why can't I touch its fur?” as their didnt seem to be anything wrong with it.

Every day he came in and looked for a little while longer as he still couldnt understand until, about a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla.

He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur.

Suddenly the gorilla went ape and started to jump around, then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into some one else's sports car and drove off.

In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in its own sports car, driving right behing him.

He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped. He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone's front garden and up the apple tree.

He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest.

The man jumped down and ran back in to the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought he'd lost the gorilla.

The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw a giant shaddow coming down the street ahead.

The gorilla!

It came to the end of the alley, stood and looked striaght into the bloodshoot eyes of the man and came towards him slowly.

This time there was no escape. As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint.

The giant beast came face to face with him, raised its mighty hand and said, “Tag! You're it!”

by (few years ago!) / 547 views
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Sports jokes

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the freshman class.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, the instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach

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SO CORNY IT HURTS!


A guy walks into a bar and approaches the barman, "Can I have a pint of Less, please?"

"I'm sorry sir," the barman replies, looking slightly puzzled, "I've not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?"

"I've no idea," replies the guy, "The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less.

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Bar jokes

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

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Blonde jokes

Why dont blondes eat bananas?A1: They cant find the zipper.A2: They cant find the pull tab.

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Blonde jokes

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? She didnt want to wake the sleeping tablets!

by (few years ago!)
AT THE GORILLA ENCLOSURE

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a couple are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a loose-fitting, spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing jeans and a T-shirt.

As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes mad. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand, he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny, and suggests that his wife teases the poor creature some more. He gets her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at the ape, and play along. She does, and the Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and the Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him," he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and he starts doing flips. With that, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.

"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

by (few years ago!)
Business jokes

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932 The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel I invested that nickel in an apple I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which Id accumulated a fortune of $1.37.""And thats how you built an empire?" the boy asked."Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wifes father died and left us two million dollars.

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KNOCK, KNOCK JOKES PARADISE

Knock, knock!
who's there?
Boo
Boo who?
Don't cry, it's only a joke!

Knock, knock!
who's there?
Earl
Earl who?
Earl be glad to tell you when you open the door.

Knock, knock!
who's there?
Emma
Emma who?
Emma bit cold out here, will you let me in?

Knock, knock!
who's there?
Howl
Howl who?
Howl you know unless you open the door?

Knock, knock!
who's there?
Cargo
Cargo who?
Cargo beep beep!

Knock, knock!
who's there?
Aardvark
Aardvark who?
Aardvark a million miles, for one of your smiles...

Knock, knock!
who's there?
Cows
Cows who?
No they don't, they moo!

Knock, knock!
who's there?
Albert
Albert who?
Albert you don't know who it is!

Knock, knock!
who's there?
Twit2
Twit2 who?
You sound like an owl!

Knock, knock!
who's there?
Duey
Duey who?
Duey have to keep telling me Knock, knock jokes??

by (few years ago!)
Computer jokes

A customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then he removed all the keys and washed them individually.

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Religious jokes

Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a headcovering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrivedwithout her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it. A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied toher head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you toenter this holy place without your wearing a blouse." "But Father, I have a divine right," she informs."Yes, I see. And your left one isnt bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter *this* church!" he insists.

by (few years ago!)
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