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Funny Animal Jokes

In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.

It is illegal for hens to lay eggs before 8 am and after 4 pm in Norfolk, Virginia.

Ducks quacking after 10 pm in Essex Falls, New Jersey are breaking the law.

In Quitman, Georgia, it is against the law for a chicken to cross any road within the city limits.

In McDonald, Ohio, farmers cannot march a goose down a city street. And fowl, particularly roosters, are prohibited from going into bakeries in Massachusetts.

In Kansas, it is illegal for chicken thieves to work during daylight hours.

In New York, frogs may be taken from their ponds from June 16 to September 30, but only between sunrise and sunset.

In Pennsylvania, no one is allowed to shoot bullfrogs on a Sunday.

In Arizona, the bullfrog-hunting season is permanently closed.

In Vermont, you can be fined if your pig runs in a public park without the permission of a selectman.

French Lick Springs, Indiana, once passed a law requiring all black cats to wear bells on Friday the 13th.

Madison, Wisconsin, will not allow joint custody of a family pet when a couple divorces - the animal is legally awarded to whoever happens to have possession of it at the time of the initial separation.

Dogs in Foxpoint, Wisconsin, may not bark profusely, snarl, or make any menacing gestures.

In Texas, it's illegal to put graffiti on someone else's cow.

It is illegal to ride a mule down Lang, Kansas' Main Street in August, unless the animal is wearing a straw hat.

Over in Berea, Kentucky and also in Willamantic, Connecticut, horses are not allowed out on the streets and highways at night unless the animal has a "bright" red taillight securely attached to its rump.

Horses may not wear cowbells inside the city limits of Tahoe City, California.

In Washington, though, every cow wandering the streets of Seattle must be wearing a cowbell.

In Burns, Oregon, horses are allowed in the town's taverns, if an admission fee is paid before they enter.

You can't blow your nose in public places in Leahy, Washington, because it might scare a horse and cause it to panic.

In Wanassa, New Jersey, a dog is breaking the law if it is heard to be "crying."

by (few years ago!) / 704 views
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Similar Jokes

REJECTION LETTER RESPONSE TEMPLATE

The next time you get a rejection letter from a hoped-for employer or publisher, just send them the following:

Dear [name of the person who signed the rejection letter],

Thank you for your letter of [date of the rejection letter]. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me [employment with your firm/a contract to publish my book].

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite [name of the co or agency that sent you this letter]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting [applicants/manuscripts], I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time.

Therefore, I will initiate [employment/publishing] with your firm immediately following [graduation/job change, etc. - get creative here]. I look forward to working with you.

Best of luck in rejecting future [candidates/manuscripts].

Sincerely,
[your name]

by (few years ago!)
Cremate Me

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything."

by (few years ago!)
Blonde and the Western

A blonde and her husband are laying in bed watching TV, an old western is on.

The husband says to his wife, "I bet you breakfast in bed that the covered wagon hits a rock and the driver falls out dead," "You're on," returned his wife.

They watch the western and sure enough the wagon hits a rock in the dirt road and the driver falls out of the wagon ... dead.

The wife gets out of bed and returns shortly with a tray of food.

After eating the husband says, "I have to admit that I saw this movie before."

She in turn confesses, "I saw the movie before too.

But I didn't think he was stupid enough to ride over the same rock twice...."

by (few years ago!)
Animal jokes

The hyena asks, "What did you do that for?"

"Well," answers the pachyderm, "About 80 years ago that turtle bit my foot. Today I finally found that SOB, and paid him back."

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

What do you call an alcoholic dog ?A whino !

by (few years ago!)
The New York Bar Joke

The year I lived in New York, we had blizzards and ice storms. The pipes in the house my roommate and I rented constantly froze, whether we left the water running or not. One night, a truck full of idiots, who probably had been drinking, lost control and crashed into our house. My roommate’s car was crushed, and the house’s foundation was damaged. I had fallen asleep on the couch, but woke up to the sound of the crash. I went to the window to see someone jump out of the truck and run down the street. The driver saw me at the window, and then quickly drove away. We called the police, but the guys were never caught.


Needless to say, my roommate and I were less than thrilled with the winter weather. So, when we went out to the bar one night, we were less than thrilled when one of the local guys started joking with us about the weather. One joke did crack our icy façade, causing us to laugh

by (few years ago!)
THE CHARM OFFENSIVE


This guy arrives home to find his wife waiting for him by the door. "And what time do you call this," she starts angrily, "You went down to the take away three hours ago, and now you stagger back here stinking of booze, with no food!"

"Look," the guy responds calmly, "How do you fancy a chicken vindaloo, rice, bombay potatoes, and a chapatti?"

"Oh, all right then." his now really hungry wife agrees.

"Fine." He says, and throws up all over her!

by (few years ago!)
office jokes

Advice for office managers: If you keep the sexual harassment complaint forms in the bottom drawer, then when a woman gets one out you'll get a great view of her butt.
A boss tells his new employee, "I will give you $8 an hour starting today and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So when would you like to start?"

The new employee replied, "In three months."

by (few years ago!)
25 Realizations You're Not In College Anymore

1. Youre waking up at 6 am instead of going to bed.

2. Beers at lunch get you reprimanded.

3. College sweatshirts are casual instead of dress up.

4. Your parents charge rent.

5. The four food groups are no longer beer, pizza, chips and cereal.

6. Its getting late when its 9:30 p.m.

7. Three words: Student Loan Payments.

8. You make thousands of dollars a year - and still cant afford that dream Porsche.

9. You start eyeing the Light Beer Section appreciatively.

10. Pickup football games mean that at least one person will be in the hospital by games end.

11. THEN, discussing with your friends: GPAs, spring break plans, and tonsil hockey; NOW: mutual funds, interest rates, and wedding plans.

12. Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.

13. Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.

14. Sneakers are now weekend shoes.

15. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.

16. Pregnancy now brings thought of tax deductions instead of coronaries.

17. Jack and Cokes become Dewers on the Rocks.

18. The only drugs you take are Tums and Tylenol.

19. The weak single you hit in the intramural softball game is now remembered as a Varsity dinger for the League Championship.

20. You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPN Sportscenter, and MTV News.

21. Random hook-ups are no longer socially acceptable.

22. You wear more ties in a week than you even owned while in college.

23. You find yourself reminiscing fondly of 2-hour Calculus exams.

24. You empathize with the characters from Friends.

25. METABOLISM SLOWDOWN

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender, clearly in trouble. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room

by (few years ago!)
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