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Sport jokes

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: Whats with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! Doctor: I dont know, but Ive never seen such ineptitude! Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Lets have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, whats with that group ahead of us? Theyre rather slow, arent they? George: Oh, yes, thats a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime. The group was silent for a moment. Pastor: Thats so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor: Good idea. And Im going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if theres anything he can do for them. Engineer: Why cant these guys play at night?

by (few years ago!) / 692 views
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Dog jokes

What do you call a dog with no legs It doesnt matter what you call him he still wont come.

by (few years ago!)
Jokes And Funny Stories About Animals - 3

An infant rabbit was orphaned. Fortunately though, a family of squirrels took it in and raised it as if it were one of their own. This adoption led to some peculiar behaviors on the part of the rabbit, including a tendency for it to eschew jumping but rather to embrace running around like its step-siblings. As the rabbit grew up, however, it soon faced an identity crisis. It went to its step-parents to discuss the problem. It said how it felt different from its step-siblings, was unsure of its place in the universe, and was generally forlorn. Their response was,
"Don't scurry, be hoppy."

by (few years ago!)
Animal jokes

This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!" The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"

by (few years ago!)
Snacks And Other Entertainments

A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say nice tie!.
Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar.
A few sips later the voice said beautiful shirt.
A little worried, the man decides to play the slot machine. As he puts a coin in the bandit he hears a harsh voice say, You ugly cunt.
Looking around theres still no-one around.
A couple of seconds later the second voice said, Fuck off you ugly tosser!
At this, the man called the bartender over. HeyI must be losing my mind, he told the bartender. I keep hearing these voices, one saying nice things, and one being really offensive, and theres not a soul in here but us.
Ah answered the bartender. the peanutstheyre complimentary, but the bandits out of order.

by (few years ago!)
Clean those restrooms

On her way home from a long trip, a blonde drove past a sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES."

By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes beer booze and fun

A regular at Bobs Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful."Whoa, Sam!" said the bartender. "Who gave those beauties to you?""Nobody gave them to me," said Sam. "I had to fight like crazy for both of them."

by (few years ago!)
School jokes

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

by (few years ago!)
AOL addiction poem

My computer broke down.

It crashed and burned!

And for my AOL, I really yearned! I tried to stay busy...

And keep it off my mind.

It was worse than cigarettes, at least butts I can find!! So I went to Wal-Mart, and got on their pc.

The cashier in electronics was staring at me.

But I didn't care. I had to get on line! Check my mail, and see what buddies I can find.

I drew a crowd as I began to cry.

I couldn't find the password no matter how hard I tried! I need my AOL!! I got to have my fix!!

Go to my favorite places, check out some cool pics.

The cashier called Security! I heard her whisper low, "We have ourselves a Psycho here and she has got to go!"

Security rushed over. Not long did he stall.

Obviously he has never suffered from AOL withdrawal. He slapped cuffs on my wrists and threw me out the door!

Then he looked at me and said, "Don't come round here no more!"

I feel so embarrassed!! I have sunk so low! To be kicked out of Wal-Mart.... How low can I go?

So I'll try really hard now to rid myself of this affliction.

Get rid of these bad habits and my AOL addiction!

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

They were married, but since the argument they had a few days earlier, they hadnt been talking to each other.Instead, they were giving each other written notes.One evening he gave her a paper where it said:"Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am."The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 oclock.Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around he found a note on his pillow saying:"Wake up, its 6 oclock!"

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

What do you say to a Blonde that wont give in?A: "Have another beer."

by (few years ago!)
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