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If a man says something in the middle of a forest, and there is no womenaround to hear him, is he still wrong?

by (few years ago!) / 540 views
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IN THE PHILOSOPHY FINAL


A student taking a philosophy class had a single question on his final: "What is courage?"

The student wrote: "This", signed it, and turned it in.

by (few years ago!)
ON A PRESSING MATTER OF STATE

President Vladimir Putin called President Bush with an emergency:
"Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried; "My people's favourite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"

"Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.", replied the President.

"I do need your help," said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tie us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!", said Bush.

"Oh, and one more small favour, please?", said Putin.

"Yes?", replied the President.

"Could the condoms be red in colour and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Yeltsin.

"No problem," replied the President and with that Bush hung up and called the President of Trojan condoms. "I need a favour, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia."

"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.

"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in colour, 10" long and 4" wide."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the President, "Print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."


by (few years ago!)
Jokes And Funny Stories About Marriage - 2

It used to be wine, women and song. Now it's beer, the old lady, and TV.

by (few years ago!)
New Viruses on the loose!

Oprah Winfrey virus:
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T virus:
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI virus:
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Politically Correct virus:
Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus:
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.


Government Economist virus:
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

New World Order virus:
Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Federal Bureaucrat virus:
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

Texas virus:
Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

Adam and Eve virus:
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Congressional virus:
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Airline virus:
You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.

Freudian virus:
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard.

Public Television virus:
Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

Elvis virus:
Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Nike virus:
Just does it.

Congressional virus #2:
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

Star Trek virus:
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

Health Care virus:
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

by (few years ago!)
Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest

Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, "Oh, look! A nut!" The second squirrel jumped on it and said, "Its my nut!"
The first squirrel said, "Thats not fair! I saw it first!"

"Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," argued the second.

At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, "You shouldnt quarrel.

Let me resolve this dispute." The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, "Now, give me the nut." He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, "See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved."

Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, Ill take the meat."

by (few years ago!)
Kitty Porn - Part I

It happens an estimated 2000 times a day, but this time, it's different. The picture shows a naked six-year-old, whom we will call Katrina, helplessly tied in thin blue yarn. And what is perhaps even more disturbing, the man distributing the picture is Katrina's legal guardian.

To this date, no legal action has been taken and Katrina is still in the custody of "Flea." Why has justice failed Katrina? Why has the law not intervened? The answer is simple: Katrina is a cat.

The problem is growing. Each day it is estimated that as many as twenty pictures of young cats go up on the Internet without their knowledge or consent. With a computer and phone line, anyone, even children, can easily find and view these pictures.

In fact, in a frightening new trend, children themselves are increasingly responsible for taking and distributing these startling pictures. What is to be done? Where does free speech end, and compassion begin?

In a recent study conducted by Johnny Little it is estimated that there are over a million billion pictures of cats on the Internet. That number is expected to rise by some 3,000,000% over the next year. Projections for the year 2,010 show that there will be more cat pictures on the internet than molecules of oxygen in the atmosphere.

Of course some critics have questioned Johnny's study pointing to the fact that Johnny is only ten and a half and call the study "dangerous, unfounded fiction" Supporters claim it's not dangerous at all. Both sides agree however that it would be impossible to come up with accurate numbers, so we'll use these.

by (few years ago!)
BAR JOKES - WALKE IN A BAR

A hippopotamus walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "That will be $7.50 please" says the bartender. So the hippo gives the bartender his money and starts to sip his beer. "You know we don't very many hippos in here" mutters the bartender.
The hippo replies, "At these prices it's no wonder!"

by (few years ago!)
Lesson In Logic

A third-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.
"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

A little girl raised her hand and said, "To draw out all his savings?"

by (few years ago!)
IN A DRUNKEN HAZE


One night, after a long evening of drinking, Jim was thrown out of the bar as usual. On his way home he spotted a nun walking down the road.

After looking at her twice he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the living shit out of her.

Some people passing by spotted this and called the police.

As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs he looked back and said, "I thought you'd be tougher than that, Batman."

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes

There was this guy, passing a bar who noticed a sign in the window: "Free beer for life. Just pass the test." He went in and asked the bartender, "What is the test?"

"All you have to do," said the bartender," is drink a pint of vodka, go into the back yard and extract a tooth from an alligator, and then go upstairs and satisfy a woman who has never been satisfied."

"No problem," said the guy. He immediately drank the vodka, and went into the yard. Several minutes later, after considerable commotion, he reappeared in the bar and said, "Now, where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

by (few years ago!)
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