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Marriage jokes

You and your husband dont seem to have an awful lot incommon," said the new tenants neighbor. "Why on earthdid you get married?""I suppose it was the old business of opposites attract,"was the reply. "He wasnt pregnant and I was."

by (few years ago!) / 475 views
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Dog jokes

Why doesnt a dog ever have a nose 12 inches long?Because then it would be a foot.

by (few years ago!)
Taliban TV

Only available on Sky Digitaliban.)

06h00 G-Had TV.
Morning prayers.

08h30 Talitubbies.
Talitubbies say "Ah-ah". Dipsy and Tinky-Winky repair a Stinger missile launcher.

09h00 Shouts of Praise.
More prayers.

11h00 Jihad's Army.
The Kandahar-on-Sea battalion repulse another attack by evil, imperialist, Zionist backed infidels.

12h00 Ready, Steady, Jihad!
Celebrities make lethal devices out of everyday objects.

12h30 Panoramadan.
The programme reports on Americas attempts to take over the world.

13h30 Xena: Modestly Dressed Housewife.
Xena stays at home and does some cooking.

14h00 Only Fools and Camels.
Dhal-Boy offloads some Chinese rocket launchers to Hamas.

14h30 Green Peter.
The total of Kalashnikovs bought by the milk bottle top appeal is revealed.

15h00 Madrasah Challenge.
Two more Islamic colleges meet. Bambah Kaskhain asks the questions.'Starter for ten, no praying.'

15h30 I Love 629.
A look back at the events of the year, including the Prophet's entry into Mecca, and the destruction of pagan idols.

16h00 Question Time.
Members of the public face questions from political and religious leaders.

17h00 Koranation Street.
Deirdrie faces execution by stoning for adultery.

17h30 Middle-East Enders.
The entire cast is jailed for unislamic behaviour.

18h00 Holiday.
The team go on pilgrimage to Mecca. Again.

18h30 Top of the Prophets.
Will the Koran be No.1 for the 63,728th week running?

19h00 Who wants to be a Mujahadin?
Mahmoud Tarran asks the questions. Will contestants phone a mullah, go 'inshallah', or ask the Islamic council?

20h00 FILM: Shariah's Angels.
The three burkha-clad sleuths go undercover to expose an evil scheme to educate women.

21h30 Big Brother.
Who will be taken out of the house and executed this week?

22h30 Shahs in their Eyes.
More hopefuls imitate famous destroyers of the infidel.

23h30 They think it's Allah over.
Quiz culminating in the 'don't feel the Mullah' round.

00h00 When Imams Attack.
Amusing footage shot secretly in mosques. The filmers were also secretly shot.

00h30 The West Bank Show.
Arts programme looking at anti-Israel graffiti art in the occupied territories.

01h30 Bhuffi the Infidel Slayer.

02h00 A book at bedtime. The Koran. Again.

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

Why does the Hound of the Baskervilles turn round and round before he lies down for the night Because hes the watchdog and he has to wind himself up

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

When is a black dog not a black dog ?When its a greyhound !

by (few years ago!)
Animal jokes

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show. "Look, it's not the same hat!"

"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, because it was the captain's parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, okay. I give up. What did you do with the boat?"

by (few years ago!)
What's the definition of mixed emotions?

What's the definition of mixed emotions?

Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

How can you tell which tricycle belongs to the blonde?A: It is the one with the kickstand

by (few years ago!)
WHAT A JOB!

Can you imagine working at the following Company? It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:

29 have been accused of spouse abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad cheques
117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
3 have been arrested for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shop-lifting
21 are current defendants in lawsuits In 1998 alone
84 were stopped for drunk driving

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.


by (few years ago!)
Ethnic Insults

Q. why dont blacks and mexicans ever marry?
A. their kids are too lazy to steal.

Q. why do scottsmen wear kilts?
A. sheep can hear zippers.

Q. whats the difference between a mexican and a park bench?
A. a park bench can support a family of 4.

Q. what do you call a mexican porn star?
A. inch-a-lotta

Q. whats the difference between a Jew and a birthday cake?
A. the cake doesnt scream when you put it in the oven.

Q. Did you hear that 79% of all women in the U.S. are battered?
A. And to think ive been eating mine raw the whole time!

Q. what do you call a mexican in a 3 piece suit?
A. will the defendant please rise?

by (few years ago!)
Wedding Jokes - One liners by the famous

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery. (Rita Rudner)

Keep your eyes wide open before the wedding, half shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin)

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. (Socrates)

A husband is like a fire, he goes out when unattended. (Evan Esar)

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. (Henny Youngman)

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield)

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. (Milton Berle)

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, 'There's water in the carburettor'. I said, 'Where's the car?' She said, 'In the lake'. (Henny Youngman)

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. (Rita Rudner)

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. (Phyllis Diller)

All marriages are mixed marriages. (Chantal Saperstein)

There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again. (Clint Eastwood)

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. (Henny Youngman)

by (few years ago!)
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