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Marriage jokes

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "Youre next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

by (few years ago!) / 552 views
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Beer Troubleshooting Guide

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

How do you electrocute a blonde?A: Tell her to demonstrate the proper usage of an electric chair

by (few years ago!)
Computer jokes

Tech Support: "Which format are the images you send?" Customer: "Rectangular, 15x11 centimeters."

by (few years ago!)
Jokes And Funny Stories About Marriage - 5

cheer up!" said Alan to his depressed friend, John. "Why don't you drown your sorrows?"
John, a married man with three strapping daughters at home, turned a doleful face towards him and said:
"No man, that would be murder."

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

Some people ask the secret of Anthonys long marriage.They take time to go to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home.The Mrs. goes Tuesdays; He goes Fridays.

by (few years ago!)
lawyer jokes

"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female. "What did you do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you the Czech was in the male?"

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

Why do Blondes wear padded shoulders A So they dont get a concussion while bobbing their from head side to side as they are saying I dont know whenever you ask them a question.

by (few years ago!)
Animal jokes

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show. "Look, it's not the same hat!"

"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, because it was the captain's parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, okay. I give up. What did you do with the boat?"

by (few years ago!)
Don't Worry About the Cows

The son of a Spanish lawyer graduated from college and was considering the future. He went to his father, who had a very large office, and asked if he might be given a desk in the corner where he could observe his father's activities. He could be introduced to his father's clients as a clerk. This way, he could decide on whether or not to become a lawyer. His father thought this to be a splendid idea, and this arrangement was set up immediately. On his son's first day at work, the first client in the morning was a rough-hewn man with calloused hands, in workman's attire, who began the conversation as follows:

"Mr. Lawyer, I work for some people named Gonzales who have a ranch on the east side of town. For many years I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows. I have raised the cows, tended them, fed them, and it has always been my understanding and belief that I was the owner of the cows. Mr. Gonzales died and his son has inherited the farm, and he believes that since the cows were raised on his ranch and fed on his hay, the cows are his. In short, we have a dispute as to the ownership of the cows."

The lawyer said, "I have heard enough. I will take your case. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!"

After the tenant farmer left, the next client came in, a young, well-dressed man, clearly a member of the landed class. "My name is Gonzales. I own a farm on the east side of the town," he said. "For many years, a tenant farmer has worked for my family tending the crops and animals, including some cows. The cows have been raised on my land and fed on my hay, and I believe that they belong to me, but the tenant farmer believes that since he raised them and cared for them, they are his. In short, we have a dispute over ownership of the cows."

The lawyer said, "I have heard enough. I will take your case. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!"

After the client left, the son came over to his father with a look of concern. "My father, I know nothing of the law, but it seems to me that we have a serious problem regarding these cows."

"DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!" said the lawyer. "The cows will be ours!"

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

A blonde was swimming. She swam deeper and deeper until she drowned.Her husband came home and found her dead in the bathtub.

by (few years ago!)
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