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Marriage jokes

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "Youre next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

by (few years ago!) / 533 views
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Religious jokes

A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls.When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, "Who are all those men in the pictures?"The usher replied, "Why, those are our boys who died in the service".Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, "Was that the morning service or the evening service?"

by (few years ago!)
Business jokes

Im very sad to announce this morning, girls, that Miss Jones has decided to retire, said the principal at morning assembly. Now we will all stand and sing this mornings hymn....now Thank We All Our God.

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

A blonde was going on a plane trip to New York. When the attendant came by and asked for her ticket, she told the blonde,"Im sorry. Your ticket isnt for first class. Could you please move to your seat." The blonde replied,"Im blonde, Im beautiful, and Im going to New York." The attendant said,"Thats fine miss, but youll have to go to your seat." The blonde responded again, "Im blonde, Im beautiful, and Im going to New York."This conversation continued, always with the blondes same response. The attendant got so upset that she went to the captain and told him about the blonde. The captain went and whispered something in the blondes ear and the blonde immeadiately got up and went to her seat in coach.The attendant asked the captain how he got the stubborn blonde to move. He said, "I just told her that this part of the plane wasnt going to New York."

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes

Recently scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men twelve bottles of beer each. The scientists observed that 100% of the male test group gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.

No further testing is planned.

by (few years ago!)
A 12 YEAR OLD SCOTCH

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.

The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. "This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch."

The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on, a good, 12-year-old scotch."

The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch.

An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, "What do you think of this?"

The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling "Why, this tastes like piss,"

The old drunk replies, "That's right, now tell me how old I am.

by (few years ago!)
Don't give us a bad name

There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was so mad that she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled, "It's blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"

by (few years ago!)
Two blondes in heaven

One blond says to another, "how did you die"?

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful" says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping."

"How about you, how did you die?" asked the second blonde.

"I had a heart attack," says the first blonde. "You see I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.

The second blonde shakes her head. "What a pity ... if you had only looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

by (few years ago!)
SOME THINGS YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN


A farmer is sitting in the neighbourhood bar slowly getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked.

The farmer then decides to try an answer, "Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over."

"That's not so bad, what's the big deal?"

The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened?" the man asked again.

The farmer relenting, continued "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over."

"Again?"

The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

" So, what did you do then?" then man asked, intrigued.

"I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail."

"Wow, you must have been pretty upset!" but that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed."

The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So then what else did you do?" the man asked again.

"Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in. Some things you just can't explain."

by (few years ago!)
Women jokes

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming,she stands up in the front of the plane. "Im too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if Im going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well Ive had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??" For a moment there is silence. everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. This tall, tanned and built guy with jet black eyes starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one move s. As this man approaches, the woman begins to get excited. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."

by (few years ago!)
Surfing the Internet

Surfin' the Net
So I think I'm in the clear
the boss is no where in sight
I logon to the web and start to surf
and then my hair stands up with fright

the footsteps coming down the hall
are quickening in pace
there is no time to exit
no way to save my face

so I press the power button
and relax just a bit
there is no way he can tell
exactly what I hit

I act all surprised
don't know why my machine died
"simply unpredictable these
computers are!" I cried

"So we'll get you a new one
a computer that won't crash" he exclaims
Do you think he'll wonder
when the new one acts the same?

by (few years ago!)
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