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Redmond, WA --Microsoft announced today that the official release date for the new operating system "Windows 2000" will

by (few years ago!) / 487 views
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Bar jokes

Recently scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men twelve bottles of beer each. The scientists observed that 100% of the male test group gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.

No further testing is planned.

by (few years ago!)

Tech Support: "What version of the Mac OS are you using?"
Customer: "Word 6.0."

Tech Support: "What browser are you using, Netscape or Microsoft?"
Customer: "Netscape."
Tech Support: "Could you read to me what it says at the top of the window?"
Customer: "'Global Travel Conference - Microsoft Internet Explorer'."

Tech Support: "Are you installing on a Mac?"
Customer: "No, I'm using a 3.5" thingee on a disk."

Tech Support: "This has Windows 98 on it -- did it have Windows 98 or 95 on it when it was sent out for repair?"
Customer: "I think it had Office 97."

Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"
Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"

Customer: "I keep getting an error message whenever I try using the MSDOS mode in Windows 95."
Tech Support: "Can you describe what happens?"
Customer: "Well, I keep getting a black screen with an error message saying, 'C:\WINDOWS>'."

Tech Support: "which drive is your CD ROM?"
Customer: "the top one."

Customer: "Do I hit 'F' and '8' at the same time?"

Tech Support: "Your password will be...a small 'a' as in apple, a capital 'V' as in Victor, the number '7' "
Customer: "Is that a capital '7'?"

Tech Support: "Ok, let's try once more, but use lower case letters..."
Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."

by (few years ago!)

young man finally got a date with the blonde female that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.

Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get sunburn on his "tool of the trade". But, he was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.

The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk.

He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his member immersed in a glass of milk.

Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you guys load those things!

by (few years ago!)

This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend. "I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse, I'm sending him over."

The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse. "A female horth," the midget replies. So the owner shows him one.

"Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes.

"OK, what about the earsth?" Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears.

"OK, finally, I'd like to see her twat." With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's twat, then pulls him out.

Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I should rephrase. I'd like to see her run!"

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

How many hairs are in a dogs tail None They are all on the outside

by (few years ago!)
Business jokes

There was once a high powered businessman who insisted on taking his three secretaries everywhere with him a tall one for writing longhand, a short one for taking down shorthand, and a very small one for adding footnotes.

by (few years ago!)
What do you call a three-legged donkey with one eye that listens to country-western music

By this point, we were in a fit of giggles. The bartender might have told us more, but I stopped writing them down. I can tell you that he got a good tip, and my friend’s phone number.

None of these are hilarious jokes, right? But, they are fairly easy to remember, and work well in the bar…after you’ve had a few drinks. Tell the jokes. I dare you.

by (few years ago!)
Do you realize what I am?

A blonde was telling her priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over and talk slower?"

by (few years ago!)
Lawyer jokes

A French man, an English man, an American man, and a lawyer were sitting on a train. The French man offered everyone some French bread, then he threw it out the window. The French man said, "Don't worry we have plenty of those where I come from."

The English man offered everyone a crumpet and then he threw it out the window. The English man said, "Don't worry we have plenty of those where I come from."

The American man quickly threw the lawyer out the window. The American said, "Don't worry we have plenty of those where I come from."

by (few years ago!)
A lesson in 'Australian' for my international friends...

Being an international class-room with an Australian bloke (definition to follow) up the front, I get regular emails from some of my international (mainly American) visitors wondering what the heck I'm talking about when I use certain terms and words.

While most Australians are reasonably familiar with American culture and language, having grown up watching American sit-coms, going to American movies and listening to American music... it appears that the majority of Americans (and Canadians) know very little about the Aussie culture, language or sense of humour.

So in an attempt to bridge the conversational gap, I have decided to publish edition one of Craig's guide to the Aussie language. I don't want to overload you in your first lesson so I'll be gentle, patient and brief. If you ever want to integrate seamlessly into the Australian culture, you'll need to master at least some of the following words:

Arvo - afternoon (let's meet this arvo at your house)
Barbie - barbecue
Bingle - motor vehicle accident (I had a bingle on the way to work)
Bloke - man, guy
Bloody - very (it is bloody hot today)
Blowie - blow fly
Bludger - lazy person (that bloke standing near the barbie is a bludger)
Blue - fight (verbal or fist)
Boofhead - likeable idiot (give me a hug ya big boofhead)
Bushie - someone who lives in the Bush
Coldie - a beer (I feel like a coldie)
Chook - a chicken (I'm having a coldie and some chook for dinner)
Daks - trousers (I spilled half of my coldie on my daks)
Dinky-di - the real thing, genuine (he's a dinky-di bloke)
Fair dinkum - true, genuine (Is that fair dinkum?)
Footy - Australian Rules Football
Franger - condom
G'Day - hello; the great Australian greeting (G'day mate)
Garbo - municipal garbage collector
Greenie - environmentalist
Grouse - fantastic, great, very good (we had a grouse time at the party)
Hooroo - goodbye
Mate - buddy, friend (he's my best mate)
Pash - kiss ( I pashed a girl at the party)
Rack off - go away (rack off ya boofhead)
Ripper - fantastic, great (what a ripper game)
Shag - have sex
Sheila - a woman
Sickie - a day off work for a feigned sickness (the bludger took a sickie)
Snag - a sausage
Togs - swim suit
Thongs - called flip flops in the U.S.
Tucker - food (this snag is grouse tucker)
Yakka - work (this shovelling is hard yakka)
Yobbo : an uncouth person (who let that yobbo in here?)

by (few years ago!)
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