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THE GOOD SAMARITAN

A Good Samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?"

"Yep!"

"Would you like me to help you upstairs?"

"Yep."

When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?"

"Yep."

Then the Good Samaritan got to think that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs.

However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?"
"Yep."

"Would you like me to help you upstairs?"

"Yep."

So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk, Then went back downstairs.

To his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over toward him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, save me from this man. He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"

by (few years ago!) / 637 views
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Similar Jokes

FRIVILOUS LAW SUITS BY US JAILBIRDS

A Virginia inmate tried to sue himself for $5 million on the grounds that he had gotten drunk and caused himself to violate his religious beliefs by committing a crime. Because he had no money, he wanted the state to pay the $5 million.

* * *

A San Quentin death row inmate sued California, claiming his civil rights were violated because his packages were sent via UPS rather than the U.S. Postal Service.

* * *

An Oklahoma inmate alleged his religious freedoms were violated but could not say just how, because the main tenet of his faith was that all its practices were secret.

* * *

A Nevada inmate sued when he ordered two jars of chunky peanut butter at the Nevada State Prison canteen and received one chunky and one creamy.

* * *

An Ohio inmate sued for being denied possession of soap on a rope.

* * *

A convicted New York rapist sued the state, claiming he lost sleep and suffered headaches and chest pains after being given a "defective haircut" by an unqualified barber.

* * *

An Oklahoma inmate sued because he was forced to listen to country music.

* * *

An Arizona inmate sued when he was not invited to a pizza party that prison employees held for a guard leaving his job.

* * *

A Colorado con sued for early release because "everyone knows a con only serves about three years of a 10-year sentence."

* * *

An Indiana prisoner sued because he wanted to obtain Regain for his baldness

by (few years ago!)
THE SPEEDY SNAIL

There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference.

After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S".

The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"

The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."

Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.

The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!

by (few years ago!)
Computer jokes

If Operating Systems Were Airlines

DOS Air: Passengers walk out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane,
push it until it gets in the air, hop on, then jump off when it hits
the ground. They grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop
on, jump off...

Mac Airways: The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the
same, talk the same, and act the same. When you ask them questions
about the flight, they reply that you don't want to know, don't need
to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.

Windows Airlines: The terminal is neat and clean, the attendants
courteous, the pilots capable. The fleet of Lear jets the carrier
operates is immense. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushes above
the clouds and, at 20,000 feet, explodes without warning.

OS/2 Skyways: The terminal is almost empty - only a few prospective
passengers mill about. The announcer says that a flight has just
departed, although no planes appear to be on the runway. Airline
personnel apologize profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing
from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside. They tell each
passenger how great the flight will be on these new jets and how much
safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but they will have to wait a
little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems. Maybe
until mid-2005. Maybe longer

by (few years ago!)
THE COMPLETE PUZZLE

Two young blonde women are sitting at a bar in such an obviously celebratory mood that the bartender drifts over intending to offer them a drink on the house.

When he gets close he hears one say to the other "Here's to 17 days!"

Smiling, the bartender says, "Congratulations! What's so special about 17 days?"

Eyes twinkling, one of the women explains, "Well, we've been spending our evenings working on a jigsaw puzzle! And it said 3-5 years on the box, but we finished it in only 17 days!

by (few years ago!)
Business jokes

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were protecting. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job, figuring if he were to get caught, he wouldnt be able to communicate to the police what he was doing. In his first week, the deaf collector picks up more than $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money, and stashes it in a safe place. The Mafia boss soon realizes the collection is late and sends some of his thugs after the deaf collector. The thugs drag the guy to an interpreter. The right-hand man says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Wheres the money?" The deaf collector signs, "I dont know what youre talking about." The interpreter tells the main man, "He says he doesnt know what youre talking abo ut." The main man pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?" The deaf collector signs, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park just east of the big fountain." The interpreters eyes light up, and he says to the thug, "He says he still doesnt know what youre talking about, and doesnt think you have the guts to pull the trigger."

by (few years ago!)
Brain Surgery

The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say.

"Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."

"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.

"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."

All the men nodded in understanding, and a few actually smirked. Then the patient's daughter asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"

"A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they're used."

by (few years ago!)
A SNAKE IN A BAR


A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you."

"Why not?" asks the snake.

The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your beer..."

by (few years ago!)
Blonde and Pizza

A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.

She responded, "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

by (few years ago!)
Bill Gates picks his own punishment

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.

As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.

"The bottle has a hole in it!"

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.

"And it's missing three keys,"

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

How did the blonde die drinking milk?A: The cow fell on her.

by (few years ago!)
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