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Animal jokes

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to leave, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

by (few years ago!) / 634 views
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Similar Jokes

Dog jokes

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him, "My dogs cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it" "Well," said the vet "lets have a look at him" The vet picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes. "Well," says the vet Im going to have to put him down." "Just because hes cross-eyed?" says the man. "No, because hes heavy says the vet

by (few years ago!)
A QUICK SPELLING TEST


The teacher told her class the word of the day was "dictate" and asked who could spell it.

George raised his hand and he spelled out, "d-i-k-t-a-t-e."

The teacher said, "sorry that's wrong" Then she asked Stephen.

Stephen slowly spelled out, "d-i-c-k-t-a-t-e."

"Sorry" says the teacher, "that's not right either."

Next, she asked Fiona After a slight pause Fiona began spelling, "d-i-c-t-a-t-e."

"Very good Fiona," applauded the teacher, "that's correct. Now," the teacher continued, "who can use this word in a sentence?"

Stephen raised his hand quick as a flash shouting, "I know-Iknow,"

"OK" replied the teacher, "please use the word Stephen."

Stephen responded, "How did my dictate last night, Fiona?"

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

Why did the blonde fail her drivers licence ?A: She wasnt used to the front seat!

by (few years ago!)
Bank Robbery

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action.


The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?"

The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..."

The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff.

Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!"

The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited.

After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up.

The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun.

The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving.

The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind.

The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!?"

The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!"

The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

How do you get a blond out of a tree?A: Wave

by (few years ago!)
Computer jokes

A technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer put the disk in, asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and closing the door to his room.

by (few years ago!)
Jokes about God & Religion

A little boy asks his mother, "Is God male or female?" His mother says," God is bothe male and female." The little boy is still confused and asks his mother, "Is God black or white?" His mother says, "God is both black and white." The confused little boy asks again, "Is God gay or straight?" The mother replies, "God is both gay and straight!" The little boy is really confused and asks his mother, "Is God Michael Jackson?"

by (few years ago!)
TOP TEN TRICKS TO LIVEN UP A MEETING

Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the 'real' reason this meeting has been called.

Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.

During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like you are building up to an orgasm.

Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming.

Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it.

Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room.

Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.

When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, "Well, here's the way I see it, J.B..." (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss's.)

Complain loudly that your neighbour won't stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it.

Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say "uh-huh, uh-huh!"


by (few years ago!)
TWO BUILDERS

Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living. "I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder.

"Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.

"Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man.

Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist."

"A what?" asked the builder.

"Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"

A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens."

"Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?"

"A pond" the builder replied.

"Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house."

"I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly.

"Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..."

The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children."

"Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life."

"Five nights a week!" the builder boasted.

The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often."

"Never!" the builder exclaimed.

"Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!"

The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents.

On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?"

"Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist.

"A what?" the puzzled second builder asked.

"Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"

"No" replied his mate.

"Well, you're a tosser then!"

by (few years ago!)
IBM and Lightbulbs

How many IBM employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

10,000: one to hold up the light bulb, and 9,999 to turn the building around.

by (few years ago!)
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