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Animal jokes

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to leave, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

by (few years ago!) / 650 views
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Political jokes

How many US Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, the constitution says that only Congress can screw in light bulbs, so only Congress is responsible for the dark, which is why we need a Constitutional ammendment. A: Only one. If he can handle 250000000 people a day I think he can handle screwing one extra lightbulb.

by (few years ago!)
The ad in the local newspaper read: "Purebred Police Dog

Thinking that to be a great bargain, Mrs. Claudette Ramsey ordered the dog to be delivered. The next day a van pulled up and left her the scruffiest, mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.

In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad. "What do you mean by calling that mangy mutt a purebred police dog?"

"Don't be deceived by his looks, Ma'am," the man replied. "He's in the Secret Service."

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?A: The joystick is wet.

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?A: Proofreading.

by (few years ago!)
THE SULTAN

The Sultan of Brunei was getting a bit cheesed off as he had 6 children, all girls, and therefore had no son and heir. Imagine his joy then,when one of his wives presented him with his only son and heir.

Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side and said, "Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like an aeroplane." Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him British Airways.

Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat." Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him P&O Ferries.

Just before his son's eighth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like something to watch films on." Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him MGM Studios and their cinemas, where he watched all his favourite Western Movies.

Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son, who had caught the 'Western' movie bug, replied, "Daddy,I would like a cowboy outfit." Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father went and bought him Microsoft.

by (few years ago!)
Gags For The Office Drone

Run one lap around the office at top speed
Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other 'no-player'must be in the
bathroom at the time)
Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you
Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to
say I can't talk right now. Bye"
To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily,"Mmmmmmm,
that feels soooooo good!"
Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really
prefer it this way"
Walk sideways to the photocopier.
While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.


THREE-POINT GAGS


Say to your boss, "I like your
style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers
Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want
to have to repeat it"
Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice)
Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a
'non-player' within sight).
Shout random numbers while someone is counting.


FIVE POINT GAGS


At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for
once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points
if you actually launch into it yourself).
Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation,
turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.
Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".
After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamacian accent.
As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut
up, damm it, all of you just shut up!"
At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my witness, I'll never
go hungry again".
In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear
that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now"
Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about
it"
Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local
resturant. Let him go.
Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference
call.
Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely
surprised when someone points it out.
Rollerblade around the floor throwing sweets

by (few years ago!)
Wedding Jokes - One liners by the famous

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery. (Rita Rudner)

Keep your eyes wide open before the wedding, half shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin)

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. (Socrates)

A husband is like a fire, he goes out when unattended. (Evan Esar)

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. (Henny Youngman)

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield)

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. (Milton Berle)

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, 'There's water in the carburettor'. I said, 'Where's the car?' She said, 'In the lake'. (Henny Youngman)

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. (Rita Rudner)

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. (Phyllis Diller)

All marriages are mixed marriages. (Chantal Saperstein)

There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again. (Clint Eastwood)

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. (Henny Youngman)

by (few years ago!)
blonde jokes

A boy and his blonde date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Suddenly, the blonde stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex," said the sultry young blonde. The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

by (few years ago!)
blonde jokes

A young blonde man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and order. "Gimme three flat tires and a couple of headlights," requested the trucker.

Bewildered, the blonde waiter goes back into the kitchen and tells the cook, "I think this guy's in the wrong store, look at what he ordered!"

The cook answers, "He wants three pancakes and two eggs sunny-side up."

The waiter takes a bowl of beans to the trucker. The trucker looks at it and growls, "What's this? I didn't order this!"

The blonde waiter tells him, "Well, while you're waiting for your parts you might as well gas up!"

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes

pony walks into a bar and says "Bartender, may I have a drink?"


Bartender says "What? I can't hear you. Speak up!"


"May I please have a drink?"


"What? You have to speak up!"


"Could I please have a drink?"


"Now listen, if you don't speak up I will not serve you."


"I'm sorry, I'm just a little hoarse."

by (few years ago!)
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