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Blonde in a Boat

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field, rowing a boat with no water in sight. The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, "What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name.

9 hours ago in Joke

by (few years ago!) / 436 views
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BUILDER AND THE PRIEST HIT THE GOLF COURSE


A builder and a priest are out for a game of golf one afternooon. Unfortunately the builder wasn't very good at the game and every time he missed a shot would shout 'Shit, missed'.

The game went on and after several outbursts from the builder, the priest could hold his tongue no longer. "Don't swear like that" he told his friend, "or God will punish you". The builder apologised and the game continued.

As soon as he missed another shot the builder shouted "Shit, missed." and continued to do this every time he missed a shot for the next three holes.

The priest was starting to get really angry by now and said "I must insist that you stop swearing this instant, otherwise God will hear you and punish you!"

Once again, his pleas made no difference as the builder missed an easy putt on the seventeenth green and shouted out "Shit, missed". Immediately the heavens parted and a bolt of lightning flew from the sky, hitting the priest and killing him stone dead.

Suddenly, a booming voice was heard in the clouds, "Shit, missed!"

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Lawyer jokes

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?""Its $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? Youll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?""Thats my business! Get me the course!"Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before its too late, tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before you died?"In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer . . ."

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Men jokes

What did God say after she made Eve?"Practice makes perfect."

by (few years ago!)
School jokes

Fred: I got 100 in school today.Mother: Wonderful. What did you get 100 in?Jason: Two things: I got 50 in Spelling and 50 in History.Mother: Well, at least you can add !

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THE PROFESSOR OF ECONOMICS

An economics professor at school had a strict policy that the hourly examinations were to be completed at the bell and anyone who kept writing on their exam after the bell would take a zero on the exam.

Well, one guy kept writing on his exam for a while after the bell and then confidently strode up to turn it in. The professor looked at him and said, "Don't bother to hand that paper in... you get a zero for continuing after the bell."

The guy looked at him and said, "Professor, do you know who I am!"

The professor replied, "No, and I don't care if your dad is president of the United States...you get a zero on this exam"

The guy, with a enraged look on his face, shouted, "You mean you have no idea who I am?"

The professor responded, "No, I've no idea who you think you are."

With that, the guy said "Good!" plunged his exam into the middle of the stack of other student's exams, and did a hasty retreat from the examination room!

by (few years ago!)
A HOT DAY AT THE NUNNERY


Three nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual habit (groan) on a hot day.

So about a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel. They ask who it is.

"The blind man," a voice replies. The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind.

He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, "Nice tits! Where do you want me to install these blinds?"

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DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR BOSS

When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.


by (few years ago!)
Kitty Porn - Part I

It happens an estimated 2000 times a day, but this time, it's different. The picture shows a naked six-year-old, whom we will call Katrina, helplessly tied in thin blue yarn. And what is perhaps even more disturbing, the man distributing the picture is Katrina's legal guardian.

To this date, no legal action has been taken and Katrina is still in the custody of "Flea." Why has justice failed Katrina? Why has the law not intervened? The answer is simple: Katrina is a cat.

The problem is growing. Each day it is estimated that as many as twenty pictures of young cats go up on the Internet without their knowledge or consent. With a computer and phone line, anyone, even children, can easily find and view these pictures.

In fact, in a frightening new trend, children themselves are increasingly responsible for taking and distributing these startling pictures. What is to be done? Where does free speech end, and compassion begin?

In a recent study conducted by Johnny Little it is estimated that there are over a million billion pictures of cats on the Internet. That number is expected to rise by some 3,000,000% over the next year. Projections for the year 2,010 show that there will be more cat pictures on the internet than molecules of oxygen in the atmosphere.

Of course some critics have questioned Johnny's study pointing to the fact that Johnny is only ten and a half and call the study "dangerous, unfounded fiction" Supporters claim it's not dangerous at all. Both sides agree however that it would be impossible to come up with accurate numbers, so we'll use these.

by (few years ago!)
Women jokes

My wife asked me "Whats on the TV?" - I said, "Dust!"

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WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE


Pat is appearing on the television quiz show 'Who wants to be a Millionaire'. He has already reached the £64,000 mark but he only has one lifeline left which is to phone a friend.

"You've done really well to get this far Pat" the quizmaster says, "the next question is worth £125,000 if you decide to play. Are you ready?"

"Sure" Pat nods.

"On screen is a photograph of a current Manchester United player as a small baby." the quizmaster continues, "The question is Pat, and don't forget this is for £125,000, which player is it?"

Pat looks at the picture on screen for a while and says "I'm pretty sure it's Ruud Van Nistelroy... No, I'm sure it is... Can I phone a friend just to check?"

"OK" the quizmaster asks, "Who are going to phone?"

Pat answers and pretty soon the phone is ringing and his best friend Mick picks up at the other end. The quizmaster explains the situation to Mick and Pat asks him the same question.

Without any hesitation Mick replies "No, that's definately Paul Scholes "

Pat looks concerned now "Are you sure Mick, I'm convinced that it's Ruud Van Nistelroy?"

"Definately" Mick replies.

"Well" the quizmaster continues, "You've used your lifeline, now I need your answer"

"OK" says Pat, looking nervous now, "But I'm sure it's Ruud Van Nistelroy, that's my final answer... Ruud Van Nistelroy."

"You had £64,000 Pat, If you're right you win £125,000, if you're wrong you leave us with the money you've got so far..." There's a tense drum roll and the music dips before the quizmaster speaks again

"Sorry Pat, you were wrong. Never mind, you've been a great contestant and you've won £64,000. Here's your cheque and thanks for playing."

As the audience start to applaud Pat asks, "What was the correct answer, it's killing me!"

The quizmaster replies, "Louis Saha."

by (few years ago!)
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