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Inventive Excuses for Missing Work - Part I

. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

2. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Safeway.

3. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Broncos, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

4. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

5. My stigmata is acting up.

6. I can't come in to work today because I will be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

7. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet.

by (few years ago!) / 656 views
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TWO TEXANS

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help."

He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no.

He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own.

The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick manoeuvre always works."

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A blonde goes into the beauty and hair parlor with her walkman on her head.

"I need to take that walkman off your head," says the beauty specialist as she notices the blonde.

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"I can't cut your hair with the walkman on your ears!" says the beauty specialist getting annoyed.

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The beauty specialist, outraged and flustered, grabs the walkman and throws it off the head of the blonde. Within seconds, the blonde dies. When the specialist picks up the walkman to listen, she hears it repeating "breath in, breath out, breath in".

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A QUICK RIDDLE


Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, a smart blonde, and a dumb blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $100 on the ground. Who gets it?

Nobody.

The first four don't exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper

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Blonde jokes

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A lonely frog, desparate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store.

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Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.

"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."

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"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me also!"

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."

"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."

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blonde jokes

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of hearing that blondes are all stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home from work at 5:30 pm and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He goes over and asks her if she is okay?

She replies, "Yes, I'm okay." Then the husband notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He asks her what she is doing. She replied that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

The husband then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on. The blonde replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said, "For Best Results, Put On Two Coats."

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Educational jokes

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With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit. The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, "Wait a minute, young man, what's your name?"
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blonde jokes

There were these three guys, a Jewish guy, an Italian guy, and a blonde guy. They all worked together at a factory. Everyday they noticed that their boss left work a little early. So one day, they meet together and say that today when the boss leaves, they'll all leave early, too.

The boss leaves and so did they. The Jewish guy goes home and goes to rest so he can get an early start the next morning. The Italian guy goes home and cooks dinner. The blonde guy goes home and walks to his bedroom. He opens the door slowly and sees his wife in bed with his boss, so he shuts the door and leaves.

The next day the Italian and Jewish guys are talking about going home early again. They ask the blonde guy if he wants to leave early again and he says, "No." They ask him why not, and he says, "Because yesterday I almost got caught!"

by (few years ago!)
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