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Inventive Excuses for Missing Work - Part I

. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

2. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Safeway.

3. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Broncos, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

4. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

5. My stigmata is acting up.

6. I can't come in to work today because I will be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

7. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet.

by (few years ago!) / 623 views
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Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.

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The kid thinks for awhile and then says, " If a boy is running after a ball into a street and gets run over by a car and dies."

Bush responds, "No, I don't think that's a tragedy... that's an accident." Then Bush asks another kid to give an example of a tragedy.

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by (few years ago!)
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His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'Lets do it!' And, she's always sound asleep."

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Warning: New Date Rape Drug

Be on the lookout! Police warn all male clubbers, partygoers, and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A date rape drug on the market, called "beer", is used by females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is found in liquid form, and is now available almost anywhere.
"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.
After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer", men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened the night before...usually with a vague feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship".
Apparently men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and
frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "golf courses" in the yellow pages.

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by (few years ago!)
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