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Starbucks in Hell

A man died and went to straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity.

The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn't even breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.

The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn't want that room, and they moved on.

The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. The only thing was that they were standing around in about two feet of poop. The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.

The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, "Break time is over! Time for another 10,000 push-ups!"

by (few years ago!) / 812 views
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Similar Jokes

How to Write Good - Part I

Avoid alliteration. Always.

2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.

3. The adverb always follows the verb.

4. Employ the vernacular.

5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

7. Remember to never split an infinitive.

8. Contractions aren't necessary.

9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

10. One should never generalize.

11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

14. Be more or less specific.

15. Understatement is always best

by (few years ago!)
School jokes

Teacher : Whats happens to gold when it is exposed to the air ?Pupil : Its stolen !

by (few years ago!)
School jokes

Teacher : The word politics - can you give me an example of how to use it ?Pupil : My parrot swallowed a watch and now Polly ticks !

by (few years ago!)
Airplanes running operating systems

Here are some basic descriptions of what may happen if airplanes had different operating systems running them.

DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.

DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing.

Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know and everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut up.

OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want your seating arranged--with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when the rudder and flaps freeze, in which case you have time to say your prayers before you crash.

Windows: Colorful airport terminal, friendly flight attendants, easy access to a plane, and an uneventful takeoff. Then, all in a sudden, boom! You blow up without any warning whatsoever.

NT: The terminal and flight attendants all look like those the Windows plane uses, but the process of checking in and going through security is a nightmare. Once aboard, those passengers with first class tickets can go anywhere they want and arrive in half the time, while the vast majority of passengers with coach tickets can't even get aboard.

Unix: Everyone brings one piece of the plane. Then they go on the runway and piece it together, all the while arguing about what kind of plane they're building.

CAIRO: The airplane is distributed among 47 different hangars in 13 airports scattered over 8 states, 4 Canadian provinces, and a remote mountain hideaway in Nicaragua. But you don't need to know where the airplane is or who it belongs to in order to fly it. Actually, you don't fly the airplane itself; you fly a simulation that behaves just like the real thing except that you don't go anywhere. But that's okay, because when the world is at your fingertips you never need to leave home.

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

What artistic dog chews a lot and follows the rules of the farm where it lives? A Chihuahua that can draw and gnaw while obeying the law and lying on straw!

by (few years ago!)
The problem is at your end

One of Microsoft's finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"

by (few years ago!)
THE HR E-MAIL

Attention: Human Resources

Joe Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Joe works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Joe never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Joe takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping
coffee breaks. Joe is an individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Joe can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Joe be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
Regards,
Project Leader

e-mail two
Attention: Human Resources

Joe Smith was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines [1, 3, 5, etc.] for my true assessment of his ability.
Regards,
Project Leader


by (few years ago!)
Under The Influence - Bar Jokes - Amazing Gerbil

A scroungy looking fellow goes into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says, "No way; I don't think you can pay for it."

The guy shrugs, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if
I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me
a drink?"

The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't too risque?."
Under The Influence - Bar Jokes - Amazing Gerbil
"Done!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls
out a very large gerbil. He puts the gerbil on the bar and it
scampers down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the
keyboard and starts playing some wonderful Scott Joplin
tunes.

The bartender says, "Truly Amazing! I've never seen anything
like that before. Your furry friend is truly good on the piano."
The fellow grins, downs the drink and asks for another. "Cash,
another miracle or else no drink," says the bartender.

Undaunted, the fellow reaches into his coat again and pulls out
a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing.
He has a marvelous baritone voice and great pitch. A fine singer.

Another patron from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy
and offers him $500 on the spot for the frog. The guy says, "Done,
sir." He takes the five and gives the stranger the frog.

The stranger beats a hasty retreat out of the bar. The bartender
says to the guy, "What are you? Wacko? You sold a singing frog for
just $500? That thing must be worth millions. You're crazy."

"Maybe not...," says the guy, "Considering my friend the gerbil is
also a ventriloquist."

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

.What are the worst six years in a blondes life?A: Third Grade.

by (few years ago!)
School jokes

A little kids in school, taking a true-false test and hes flipping a coin. At the end of the test hes flipping the coin again. The teacher says, "What are you doing?" He says, "Checking my answers."

by (few years ago!)
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