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computer jokes

Quite a number of years ago, Abraham wanted to upgrade his PC to Windows 95.

Isaac was incredulous. "Pop," he said, "you can't run Windows 95 on your old, slow 386. Everyone knows that you need at least a fast 486 with a minimum of 16 MB of memory in order to multitask effectively with Windows 95."

But Abraham, the man of faith, gazed calmly at his son and replied, "God will provide the RAM, my son."


by (few years ago!) / 939 views
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JOB SEARCH JARGON

Whether you are a student looking for that first time or summer job or a long time veteran looking for a change of pace, this JOB SEARCH JARGON should help you get on your way...

COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

FLEXIBLE HOURS:
Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want you to do.

ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:
You whine, you're fired.

CAREER-MINDED:
We expect that you will want to flip hamburgers until you are 70.

SELF-MOTIVATED:
Management won't answer questions

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend

DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:
We have a lot of turnover.

SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:
We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:
If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

A man comes home and hears hard breathing female noises frominside the aprtment, walks inside to find his wife on the floorof the living room naked. Wife yells, "help, help, I am havinga heart attack", the husband runs in the other room to call thedoctor when one of his kids run up to him and says "daddy, daddy,there is a naked man in the closet", husband opens the closetdoor and sees his friend Bob. He yells at Bob, "Bob, god damn it,my wife is having a heart attack and here you are trying to scarethe kids"!!!

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes beer booze and fun

John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat."How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud John to a deck hand."It was great," said the sailor. "But why didnt you wait? We were just pulling in!"

by (few years ago!)
Good Profession

Three men were exploring a south part of a desert. Just then, three native women and one man (their chief), kidnapped them and brought them to his torturing chamber.

The chief said to the first one "What is your job?"

He said "I'm a fireman."

The chief said "His penis.....BURN IT OFF!" So they did and let the first one go.

The chief said to the second on "What is your job?"

He said "I'm a policeman." The chief said, "His penis.....SHOOT IT OFF!" So they did an let him go, too.

Then he said to the third one "What is your job?"

The third one laughed and said "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

by (few years ago!)
Drunk Driving Test

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath.

He said, 'I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.' She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, 'It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones.'

She replied, 'You mean it shows that, too?'

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

What do blondes eat to increase their breast size?A: Silicone chips.

by (few years ago!)
Before College I Wish I Had Known...

1. That it didnt matter how late I scheduled my first class, Id still sleep through it.

2. That I could change so much and barely realize it.

3. That you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways.

4. That college kids throw airplanes too.

5. That if you wear polyester everyone will ask why you are so dressed up.

6. That every clock on campus shows a different time.

7. That if you were smart in high school, so what?

8. That I would go to a party the night before a final.

9. That Chem Labs and Architecture studios take up more time than all my other classes put together.

10. That you can know everything and fail a test.

11. That you can know nothing and ace a test.

12. That I could get used to almost anything I found out about my roommate.

13. That home is a great place to visit, but I wouldnt want to live there.

14. That most of my education would be obtained outside of class.

15. That friendship is more than getting drunk together.

16. That I would be one of those people that my parents warned me about.

17. The free food server until 10 is gone at 9:50.

18. That Sunday is a figment of the worlds imagination.

19. That Psychology is really Biology, Biology is really Chemistry, Chemistry is really Physics, and that Physics is really Math.

20. That my parents would become so much smarter in the past few years.

21. That its possible to be alone even when you are surrounded by friends

22. That friends are what makes this place worthwhile!

by (few years ago!)
School jokes

Father: How were the exam questions?Son: EasyFather: Then why look so unhappy?Son: The questions didnt give me any trouble, just the answers!

by (few years ago!)
Lion Tamer

wo unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."

The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."

"Yes I do!"

"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"

"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down."

"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"

"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down."

"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"

"Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him."

"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"

"Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of
the cage."

"Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"

"Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."

by (few years ago!)
TOP TEN REASONS WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN RELIGION

10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.

9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.

8. Beer has never caused a major war.

7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.

6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.

5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.

4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.

3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.

2. You can prove you have a Beer.

1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help.

by (few years ago!)
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