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computer jokes

Quite a number of years ago, Abraham wanted to upgrade his PC to Windows 95.

Isaac was incredulous. "Pop," he said, "you can't run Windows 95 on your old, slow 386. Everyone knows that you need at least a fast 486 with a minimum of 16 MB of memory in order to multitask effectively with Windows 95."

But Abraham, the man of faith, gazed calmly at his son and replied, "God will provide the RAM, my son."


by (few years ago!) / 853 views
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Dog jokes

Whens the best time to take your doberman pinscher for a walk? - A: Anytime he wants to go.

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Religious jokes

OToole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time hed been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent. "Father, its 15 years since my last confession, and Ive been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest. "I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?" OToole said, "Father, if you have the plans, Ive got the lumber."

by (few years ago!)
GOD TAKES A HOLIDAY


God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, "You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?"

St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year."

God shakes His head before saying, "No. Too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back."

"Hmmm," St. Peter reflects. "Well, how about Mercury?"

"No way!" God mutters, "It's way too hot for me there!"

"I've got it," St. Peter says, his face lighting up. "How about going Down to Earth for your vacation?"

Chuckling, God remarks, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!

by (few years ago!)
High Monkey

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey Hey! What are you doing? The monkey says, Smoking a joint. Come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry, and
that hes going to get a drink from the river.

At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned
lizard, helping him to the side. He then asks the lizard, Whats the matter with you?

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in! The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out.

He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says, Hey, MONKEY!

The Monkey looks down and says WOOOO, DUUUUDE . . . How much water did you drink?

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Animal jokes

A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store every week and buying two-dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week, he would come in with the same order.

One day, the druggist felt he had to say something to the man.

"Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky. How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"

The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive."

So, the druggist asked, "Then what do you do with all those condoms?"

The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle, and now she poops in little plastic bags."

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Lawyer jokes

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Ted, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Ted stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Annie?"

Annie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Annie," said the teacher.

"What about your father, Bobby?" Bobby proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Bobby's house and rang the bell. Bobby's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Bobby's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But, how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

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Lawyer jokes

A lawyer with insomnia consulted her doctor. "Which side is it best to lie on?" she asked."The side that pays your fee," replied the doctor.

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How many sheep do I have?

There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence.

So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country.

Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.

"If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?" she asked.

The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.

"You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph.

Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.

She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.

She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, "if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?"

The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. "You're a blonde! Now give me back my dog."

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Bar jokes beer booze and fun

At the end of the night a man leaves the bar. Outside he sees a nun. He walks over to her and slaps her in the face. Then he punches her in the stomach and knocks her over. He proceeds to kick her several times and when hes done he bends down to her and says, "not so tough tonight, are you Batman?"

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Political jokes

Democrat men like to watch football while the women fix holiday meals. On this, Republicans are in full agreement.

by (few years ago!)
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