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computer jokes

You can't call your mother; she doesn't have a modem.

15. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

16. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

17. You don't know what sex three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

by (few years ago!) / 515 views
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Blind Man

A blonde girl just stepped into the bathtub when the doorbell rang.

"Who is it?"

"Blind man," came the response.

Feeling charitable, the blonde dashed from the tub without bothering to put on any clothes, grabbed her purse, and opened the door.

The man's jaw dropped and he stammered, "Wh-where do you want me to put these blinds, lady?"

by (few years ago!)
Top 20 Things To Do In A Final Exam

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say, "oh geez, better get cracking," and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming, "Andre, Andre, Ive got the secret documents!!"

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructors left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "Im SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I dont understand ANY of this. Ive been to every lecture all semester long! Whats the deal?

And who the hell are you? Wheres the regular guy?"

8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.

9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say, "Theyve found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If youre really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a BAD case of Turets Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you dont know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/hes not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

by (few years ago!)
I Can Tell This Job Sucks Already

Boss (to the new employee): We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?

New employee: Yes, sir.

Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain andAbel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boysasked, "Whats that?" Adam replied, "Boys, thats where your mother ateus out of house and home."

by (few years ago!)
A STRING IN THE TALE


Two pieces of string meet one day in the park and while one goes on the slide the other goes on the swings. They're having a great time until one string decides to go on the roundabout.

After a while, the string feels really dizzy and falls off, scraping across the tarmac and making as tangled mess of one end and falling in a heap. The second string looked at him and sighed "you're not very good on that roundabout are you?"

The first string looked at himself and said "I'm a frayed knot"

by (few years ago!)
THE PERFECT SCAM


Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam:

A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check.

After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers' money in the form of a company check.

However, due to the name of the company, few people will present these checks to their banks.

The name of the company: "The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company."

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

Three women are about to be executed. Ones a brunette, ones a redhead and ones a blonde.The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim! Suddenly the brunette yells, EARTHQUAKE!!! Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes. The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim! Suddenly the redhead yells, TORNADO!!! Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim! and the blonde yells, FIRE!!!

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

Returning from her vacation, the young secretary was telling anyonewho would listen about what a fun time she had. She then asked for twoweeks leave in which to get married."But you just had two weeks off," said the boss. "Why didnt you getmarried then ?""What and ruin my vacation ?" she whined.

by (few years ago!)
Men jokes

Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they dont generate much interest.

by (few years ago!)
Marriage Joke

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

You know, dear, she says, I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are hunched over, Ive got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby. She turns to her husband and says, Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself.

He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, Well, theres nothing wrong with your eyesight.

by (few years ago!)
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