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lawyer jokes

"Well," the friend said, "I ran into a lawyer."

"Okay," said the man, "that explains the blood. But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and all of the dirt?"

His friend replied, "Well, I had to chase him all through the park."

by (few years ago!) / 475 views
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A LITTLE BOY WITH NO ARMS


There was this little boy with no arms. He wanted to ring the church bell on Sundays so he went to talk to the preacher. The preacher didn't know how he was going to do it, but he figured he would give him a shot. When they got to the top tower, the kid runs face first into the bell, no sound.

After a few moments, the kid gets up and begs the preacher for another try. The preacher tells him to do it, so the kid runs his head into the bell again, then falls out like the time before. When he gets up he again asks the preacher for another try.

The preacher just nods his head so the kid again runs his head into the bell and falls out again. By this time the bell was swinging away. When the kid stood up, the bell hit him in the face and knocked him out the window. He fell to the ground and died.

When the police came, they asked the preacher if he knew the kids name.

The preacher said," No. But his face sure rings a bell."

by (few years ago!)
WEDDING JOKES

While walking down the aisle, there are 3 words on a woman's mind: "Aisle, Alter, Hymn!"

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Blonde jokes

How do you make a blonde laugh on a Wednesday? Tell her a joke on a Monday!

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kid jokes

Mrs. Sullivan and her little daughter Patty were outside the church watching all the comings and goings of a wedding. After the photographs had been taken, everyone had driven off to the reception, and all the excitement was over. Patty asked her mother, “Why did the bride change her mind, Mommy?
“How do you mean, change her min?” asked Mrs. Sullivan.
“Well said the child, “she went into the church with one man and came out with another!”

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Marriage jokes

In olden times, it is reported that sacrifices were made at the altar.Since then, weddings have been held there, and times havent changed at all!

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Sport jokes

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game."I liked it, but I couldnt understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said."What do you mean?" he asked."Well, everyone kept yelling, Get the quarter back!"

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Blonde jokes

How do you know a blonde has been using a dishwasher? A.Its cloged up with paper plates.

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Presidential Debate Drinking Game

Since I couldn’t find a good drinking game for the upcoming Presidential debates online, I decided to write one myself. There are three parts to this game. The first section applies to either candidate, and the next two are specific to John Kerry or George W. Bush. Part A – Either Candidate Have a small drink or a gulp of beer if either candidate says….. a. Iran b. Iraq c. North Korea d. Afghanistan e. Sudan f. Libya g. Axis of Evil h. Gay Marriage i. United Nations j. Tax Cuts Have a larger drink, or shot of booze if either candidate says…… a. Saddam Hussein b. Osama Bin Ladden c. Al Qaeda d. September 11th or 9/11 or World Trade Center e. WMD / Weapons of Mass Destruction f. Homeland Security g. Nuclear Proliferation h. If either candidate doesn’t answer the question given to them i. If either candidate goes over the time limit per question (flashing red light) Part B – George W. Bush Have a small drink or a gulp of beer If George W. Bush says….. a. Uhhh….. b. If George Bush stutters c. Florida d. Mentions anything about the Alliance in Iraq e. Tony Blair f. Dick Cheney g. Terrorist or Terrorism Have a larger drink, or shot of booze if George W. Bush…… a. Miss-pronounces “nuclear” b. Mentions a John Kerry “Flip Flop” c. Mentions anything else about John Kerry’s voting record d. Says “War on Terra” e. Says “Evil-Doers” f. Says anything connecting Saddam Hussein to the September 11th attacks g. Commits a “Bushism” – meaning he says something that doesn’t make any sense Chug a bottle of Bacardi 151 if George W. Bush a. Chokes on a pretzel Part C – John Kerry Have a small drink or a gulp of beer If John Kerry says….. a. [Any Number] Billion Dollars b. Mentions anything about his wife Teresa Heinz Kerry c. Four More Years d. Anything about the economy e. No Child Left Behind f. Last Resort g. Mentions anything about how many troops have been killed in Iraq h. John Edwards Have a larger drink, or shot of booze if John Kerry…… a. Mentions “Mission Accomplished” b. Mentions anything about Vietnam c. Mentions anything about Purple Hearts d. Mentions anything about George W. Bush’s service in the National Guard e. Mentions anything about Bush administration “misjudgments” f. Mentions anything about unemployment or loss of jobs under the Bush administration

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes

Two old Irishmen were sitting at the local pub drinking a few beers.

So, Thomas O'Ryan said to Liam Halloren, "Liam, me buddy, me ol' pal. When I die would you please pour a couple of beers o'er me grave?"

Liam said, "Why certainly, but could I pour it through me bladder first?"


A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

My dad was a great magician. He was walking down the street the other day and turned into a bar.

by (few years ago!)
20 Things To Do In A Boring Lecture!

1. Bring a blowhorn. Use it when you ask or answer a question.

2. Heckle the professor.

3. Hire a video crew to come to the class. If asked about it, say that you have to tape the lecture for a friend.

4. Bring a water gun. Shoot the professor when his back is turned.

5. Get the other students in your row to do the wave.

6. Bring a small chalkboard to class. Ask the professor if you can borrow his chalk to take notes.

7. Contradict everything the professor says. Offer irrefutable scientific proof.

8. If its a math lecture, claim that the professor misspelled pi.

9. When the professor asks a question, raise your hand. If the professor calls on you, point to someone in the next row and say "He knows." Pick a different person each time.

10. Buy a doll. When you go to class, leave the doll in your chair, along with your notebook and pen. Say that you have an important meeting to go to, and that the doll will be taking notes for you.

11. Bring a typewriter. Use it to take notes.

12. Write a love note. Sign it "a secret admirer". Get someone to pass it to the professor.

13. Get up to go to the bathroom five or six times during the class. Change clothes every time.

14. While taking notes, write vulgar words every few lines. If anyone asks, say you have Tourettes syndrome.

15. Buy a watermelon. Give it to the professor. If he/she asks, say "They were out of apples."

16. Bring a small tape player. Play a tape of the previous lecture. Take notes on both.

17. If its an English class, ask how the theory of relativity relates to Shakespeares "Midsummer Nights Dream".

18. Pretend to be asleep until five minutes before the end of class. Then wake up and explain that you missed the lecture, and ask the professor to summarize what he/she talked about.

19. Bring a can of spray paint. Use it to take notes on the classroom wall.

20. Bring a fully-stocked picnic basket to class. Explain that you didnt have time to eat breakfast.

by (few years ago!)
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