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Animal jokes

So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. The husband was of course disappointed and somewhat skeptical about the Scottie dog's abilities as a guard dog.

by (few years ago!) / 625 views
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Marriage jokes

The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, brightas a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the conceptof marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc. "Now do you understand?" he asked. "I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"

by (few years ago!)
Sports Jokes

A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, "Reebok." She thinks that is a bit odd and asks him about it.

Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement." A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg.

He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock.

"I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!" exclaims the woman.

Dennis Rodman replies, "It's cool baby. In a minute it's going to say 'ADIDAS.'"

by (few years ago!)
School jokes

What do history teachers make when they want to get together?Dates!

by (few years ago!)
EVEN MORE BLONDE QUESTIONS ANSWERED

What do you call a blonde with half a brain ?
Gifted!

How do blonde braincells die?
Alone.

What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
Pregnant.

How do you brainwash a blonde?
Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
Artificial intelligence.

Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
Because they can't even keep two calves together!

Nothing. They've never met.

Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
After a dye job.

Why did God create blondes?
Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.

Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.

Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
To turn the blinker off.

Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.

Why do blondes wear their hair up?
To catch everything that goes over their heads.

by (few years ago!)
AOL Car

The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.

The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.

The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.

The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.

AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.

Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.

The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots of pretty colors and lights.

The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.

Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.

If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.

The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.

AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.

AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.

Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.

It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.

AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.

Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?

It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.

AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.

AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.

Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."

by (few years ago!)
Men jokes

Why are lifesavers better than men? ANSWER: They come in five flavors.

by (few years ago!)
Blonde and Yo Mama Joke Update

A few weeks ago, I asked you to cast your vote on whether blonde and "yo mama" jokes were appropriate for kids. Blonde jokes, it seems, are slightly less offensive than "Yo Mamas," with a nearly 50% approval rating. But my readers opinions are important to me, and both kinds of jokes are now banned from the JokesByKids newsletter.

You can see the latest poll results (or vote, if you haven't already) at:

by (few years ago!)
Trump Jr.: 'Death Threat Wedding Speech Was A Joke'

Ivana Trump's son was joking when he threatened to kill his mother's new husband, Rossano Rubicondi, at the couple's wedding last month. Donald Trump Jr. handed over his mother to her Italian fiance with a chilling warning for the 35-year-old groom.

He remarked in front of the wedding's 500 guests: "We are a construction company and we have job sites, we lose people. You better treat her right, because I have a .45 and a shovel."

And though Trump Jr. admits he has spoken to the groom "man to man" about an incident when his mother called police to remove Rubicondi from her home earlier this year, he insists the speech was all in good fun.

He says, "Rossano's always been straight up with me. If he treats her with respect, that's all you can ask."

The couple wed in a lavish ceremony at the Palm Beach, Fla., estate of Trump's ex-husband, property mogul Donald.

by (few years ago!)
THE CLINTON/POPE ADMIN FOUL UP


Bill Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope was sent to hell. The Pope explained the situation to the devil, who checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged.

The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error. The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-bye to the Pope as he went off to heaven.

On his way up, the Pope met Clinton who was on his way down, and they stopped to chat.

Pope: Sorry about the mix up.

Clinton: No problem!

Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven.

Clinton: Why is that? It's not that great.

Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.

Clinton: Sorry, your Holiness - but you're about a day late.

by (few years ago!)
IN THE CIRCUMSTANCES


Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"

"I've been circumcised."

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?"

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

by (few years ago!)
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