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Animal jokes

So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. The husband was of course disappointed and somewhat skeptical about the Scottie dog's abilities as a guard dog.

by (few years ago!) / 608 views
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The plumber has arrived

A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o'clock. Ten o'clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, one o'clock; no plumber.

She concluded he wasn't coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived.

He knocked on the door; the lady's parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, "Who is it?"

He replied, "It's the plumber."

He thought it was the lady who'd said, "Who is it?" and waited for her to come and let him in. When this didn't happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"

He said, "It's the plumber!"

He waited, and again the lady didn't come to let him in. He knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"

He said, "It's the plumber!!!!!!!!"

Again he waited; again she didn't come; again he knocked; again the parrot said, "Who is it?"; "Aarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!" he said, flying into a rage; he pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and he fell dead in the doorway.

The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway, "A dead body!" she exclaimed, "Who is it?!"

The parrot said, "It's the plumber."

by (few years ago!)
BAR JOKES - WALKE IN A BAR

A man walks into a bar with a metal box under one arm and a duck under the other. The man walks up to the bar and asks the bar tender "if you give me a free bottle of beer I'll show you my dancing duck". The barman is surprised, but gives the guy a bud and asks the bloke to show him the duck dancing. So the guy puts the metal box on the bar, and stands the duck on top of it. A few seconds later the duck starts to jump around, as if he's doing an Irish jig.

by (few years ago!)
Religious jokes

Whats the moral of the story about Jonah and the whale ?You cant keep a good man down !

by (few years ago!)
Jokes & Funny Stories About Blondes

How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
She threw it off a cliff.

by (few years ago!)
Religious jokes

There was an old woman on a plane, sitting next to the Pope. It was stormy outside, and the plane wasbeing rocked by some severe turbulence. So this kindly old lady looked upon Deaths door, and said to her papal neighbour. Father, surely you can do something about this...To which the Pope replied, Sorry lady, Im in sales, not management.

by (few years ago!)
blonde jokes

The USA finally sent the first manned space mission to Mars. The spacecraft gently touched down and the astronaut descended and tested the atmosphere. Low and behold it was safe for people to breathe. He removed his space suit and exited the spacecraft. He was amazed to find himself in a lush green valley surrounded with beautiful wooded hills. He hiked for some distance and came upon a beautiful little white cottage with a lush green lawn surrounded by a white picket fence like something out of Better Homes and Gardens.

He walked up to the front door and found it open. He walked inside, looked around and hearing noises from the kitchen he went back there. WOW, to his amazement he saw the most beautiful blonde he had ever seen standing over a large pot on the stove. Inside the pot was a gooey mess that she was stirring with a large spoon. As he watched, she kept stirring and stirring.

After a couple of hours, he finally asked her what she was doing. She replied that she was having a baby. He was quite skeptical but after a couple more hours of stirring she reached down into the gooey mess and pulled out a beautiful baby girl. He told her that was really amazing but that was not the way it was done on Earth.

She replied, "How do you do it on Earth?" With a twinkle in his eyes he said, "Come on back to the bedroom and I'll show you." After an hour of the wildest sex he had ever experienced, he lay back exhausted and lit up a cigarette. She said, "Well where is the baby." He said, "Oh that takes nine months."

She replied, "Well, then why did you stop stirring?"

by (few years ago!)
A HOT DAY AT THE NUNNERY


Three nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual habit (groan) on a hot day.

So about a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel. They ask who it is.

"The blind man," a voice replies. The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind.

He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, "Nice tits! Where do you want me to install these blinds?"

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

How did the dog make gold soup He put in 24
carrots

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Religious jokes

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?""I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests.""I dont mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you preparedspiritually?""Oh, sure," came the reply. "Ive got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

What kind of dog can tell time? A clockshund!

by (few years ago!)
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