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Bar jokes

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

by (few years ago!) / 518 views
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FUN! FUN! FUN!

A teacher said to her little student Suzy, "Punctuate the following sentence: Fun fun fun worry worry worry."

Little Suzy thought for a moment and began her reply, "Let's see... Fun period ... fun period ... fun no period ... worry worry worry!"

by (few years ago!)
American Manager

The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.

The farmer told him to clean the shit of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.

The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.

The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes.

At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty. The farmer asked the manager: "How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?"

The manager answered: "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and dealing with shit, but now you ask me to make decisions."

by (few years ago!)
Computer jokes

A customer called to say he couldnt get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the screen and pressing the "send" key.

by (few years ago!)
Difference between a lawyer and a catfish

What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

One is a slimy, bottom dwelling, scum sucker. The other is a fish.

by (few years ago!)
MORE TALES FROM THE GOLF COURSE


A couple decide to go golfing to the best golf course in their state. While playing, the husband tells his wife to be very careful, as there were many houses along the golf course. But the stupid wife swings her club and it breaks one of the glasses of the biggest house on the course.

So the husband and wife decided to go and apologize to the owner of the house. When they reached the house they found a glass bottle lying on the floor broken into hundreds of pieces. They found an old man sitting in his rocking chair and greeted the couple inside.

He said, "I am a genie and I would like to thank you for letting me free from this bottle, and I would like to grant you 2 wishes and the 3rd wish is mine."

So the husband says "I want a private aircraft for myself." The wife said she would like a house in every single country.

The genie says, "for the past 200 years he has never had sex and would like to have sex with the lady."

The husband agrees and the genie takes the lady up and begins having sex.

Then he asks the lady "How old is your husband?"

she replies "47"

and the genie says "And he still believes in genies?

by (few years ago!)
Piano Monkey

At a piano bar in downtown New York City. The pianist sends his monkey down the bar to collect dollars and change everytime he plays a different melody on his piano.

A drunkard walks up to the bar, and orders a fresh mug of beer.The pianist just finishing another piano number. Send his monkey down the bar to collect tips. As the piano monkey makes his way down the bar. He stops and takes a piss directly into the drunkards beer. So the drunkard then walks over to the piano where the pianist is playing.He then slams his beer down onto the piano,and says Do you know your monkey just pissed in my beer??? The pianist replies Well if you recite a few lines I might be able to pick it up

by (few years ago!)
Marriage quotes 06

I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me. -- Dick Martin

I do not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine desperate middle-ages couples with failing marriages meeting at a Brussels hotel for a group grope. -- Tynan

I think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break he got.

I tried a mail order bride, once, but she was damaged in the mail, and I had to return the unused part for my full refund.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about 'short' and 'cheap'? -- Phyllis Diller

I've been trying desperately to save my marriage for the last 35 years.

If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?

If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry. -- Chekhov

If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children..." - they leave skid marks. -- Rita Rudner

by (few years ago!)
Sport jokes

A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!" The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?" "Its a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose it!" "Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?" "No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it." "Well, what if you hit it into the woods?" "Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed." "Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?" "No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! Im telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!" The golfer buys it at once. "Just one question," he says to the salesman. "Where did you get it?" "I found it."

by (few years ago!)
Final Day

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the
mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at
the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who
roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift
envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The
folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At
the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a
revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door
(which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where
she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he
had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast:
eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange
juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As
she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's
bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's
the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today
would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked
him what to give you. He said, 'SCREW him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was
my idea."

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

Why did the dogs owner think his dog was a great mathematician When he asked the dog what six minus six was the dog said nothing

by (few years ago!)
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