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Blonde jokes

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head all went to an antique store and saw a beautiful old mirror. The lady working at the store said, "This is a magic mirror. You must say something true. And if it's true, your wish will come true. If it's not true, you will disappear."

The blonde, red head, and brunette decided to buy the mirror, and brought it home with them. First the red head walked up to the mirror and said, "I think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world." Poof, she vanished.

Then the brunette walked up to the mirror and said, "I think I'm the smartest girl in the world." Poof, she disappeared.

Then the blonde walked up to the mirror and said, "I think ... " Then Poof, she disappeared.

by (few years ago!) / 668 views
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Make love, not war. Hell, do both: get married!
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I've decided that to raise my grades, I must lower my standards.
* Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
* Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
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A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
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No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.
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If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
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by (few years ago!)
Little Old Lady Knows How to Gamble

A little old lady went into the Bank
of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the
president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's
office.

The bank president then asked her
how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash
out of her bag onto his desk. The president was, of course, curious as to how she came by
all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash
around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked,
"Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet
you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president,
"That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady
challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the
president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady
then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer
with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident
president.

That night, the president got very
nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls,
turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was
sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced
the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's
balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him
to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady
peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well,
Okay," said the president,"$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be
absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the
lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady,
"What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing,
except I bet him $50,000 that at 10 am today, I'd have the president of the Bank of Canada's
balls in my hand."

by (few years ago!)
Men jokes

Men are like old car tires.Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare.

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

Did you hear about the blonde who dropped out of nursing school?A: She was doing great until she found out she would have to perform the Hymenlick Manuever.

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes

pony walks into a bar and says "Bartender, may I have a drink?"


Bartender says "What? I can't hear you. Speak up!"


"May I please have a drink?"


"What? You have to speak up!"


"Could I please have a drink?"


"Now listen, if you don't speak up I will not serve you."


"I'm sorry, I'm just a little hoarse."

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

What is a Chihuahuas favorite sport? Miniature golf!

by (few years ago!)
Misc Jokes

Five-hundred-thousand Americans now have genital herpes. This is not to be confused with facial herpes.

If you get it on your face, it's herpes simplex, but if you get it down "there" it's herpes complex. If you get it both places it's herpes duplex.

There are various strains of the disease, such as whorepes, which is transmitted by prostitutes who don't bathe regularly. It is sometimes confused with hopis, which you can get from certain Indians.

Any contact at all with filthy midgets can lead to a nasty case of twerpes. And if you make love to a person who works at a Sno-Cone stand, you may get a case of slurpes.

For you who are vegetarians, just remember that sleeping with a green giant could give you Le-Sueur-peas; and kissing a canary can cause a bad spell of chirpes.

by (few years ago!)
Religious jokes

A Baptist missionary was walking in Africa when he heard the ominous padding of a lion behind him. "Oh Lord," prayed the missionary, "Grant in Thy goodness that the lion walking behind me is a good Christian lion." And then, in the silence that followed, the missionary heard the lion praying too: "Oh Lord," he prayed, "I thank Thee for the food which I am about to receive."

by (few years ago!)
Marriage quotes 05

Dear Mrs, Mr, Miss, or Mr and Mrs Daneeka: Words cannot express the deep personal grief I experienced when your husband, son, father or brother was killed, wounded, or reported missing in action. -- Catch-22

Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.

Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.

English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is our idea of useless legislation.

Feminists are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.

He who knows nothing, knows nothing. But he who knows he knows nothing knows something. And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing, he knows something. Or something like that.

Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother. -- Ken Dodd

Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping.

I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

.What are the worst six years in a blondes life?A: Third Grade.

by (few years ago!)
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