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There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." She swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.

by (few years ago!) / 530 views
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Similar Jokes

An Atheist in the woods...

An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 13-foot Kodiak brown bear beginning to charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.

"OH MY GOD! ..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

Even the river stopped moving ...

As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around...

"YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A BELIEVER?"

Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

"VERY WELL." Said God.

The light went out.

The river ran.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

... and the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive."

by (few years ago!)
Religious jokes

Paul says to Jesus, "Hey man, whatcha doing for Passover?"Jesus says, "Just hanging around."

by (few years ago!)
Hair rule? NFL must be joking

With college basketball aplenty, a new baseball season and what should be a very exciting NBA playoffs coming up, it's a wonder why football would garner any headlines right now.

Yet the NFL has made sure it's still on the sports fans' mind. One way the league has done this is by proposing a ban on long hair.

It was reported by the NFL Network that the Kansas City Chiefs proposed a new rule in which players wouldn't be allowed to wear their hair long or flowing out of the back of their helmet. The league's owners are expected to vote on the issue later in the month at a meeting in Florida. But I think I can save all the owners a little time by doing the voting right now.

No.

It's an unnecessary and ridiculous rule. It's legal to tackle a player using their hair if it's hanging out of the back of their helmet, and any player with long hair should know that. If they still want to keep their hair long, why tell them no?

As the NFL Network's Adam Schefter writes, the rule would help in that long hair would no longer "cover or obscure the names on the back of player's jersey."

And, of course, referees refer to each player by number when calling them for a penalty. Announcers have lists of each team's roster with them in the announcing booths, where one of the items on the roster list is player number. Plus, can they read the name on the back of a player's jersey from all the way up in the booth?

As far as I know, no player in the NFL has hair long enough that it completely covers the number on the back of their jersey. Oh, and there is also the front of player's jersey, which too has their number, just in case there is a player with that long of hair.

So the covering up of a player's name shouldn't really be too much of a worry.

Also, long hair is a distinction. It's much easier to recognize a player with long hair in the middle of a game, while action is going on, than a player without long hair. Wouldn't making a player cut their long hair, or hide it in their helmet, just make picking them out of all players on the field more difficult?

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes

One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Looky thar up ahead Earl. It's a po-leece roadblock. We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"

"Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talking, okay?" said Earl.

They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?" "No sir." said Earl. "We're on the patch."

by (few years ago!)
AN ACCOUNTANT FOR THE MOB


There was this man that was an accountant for the mob. He happened to be deaf and mute. While working for the mob he collected over 500,000 dollars by stealing from the books.

The mob boss finds out about this and sends two hitmen to his house. Since the accountant was deaf and mute his brother translated what his brother said.

Hitman: where is the money?

Accountant signs he does not know

Brother: he said he does not know

Hitman: tell us where the money is or we will kill your wife and kids, burn down your house, and castrate you!

Accountant signs fast and furiously that the money is in a safe that is hidden in the floorboard of his closet and gives the combination.

Hitman: what did he say?

Brother: you don't have the balls!

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

What dog do other dogs go to when they are sick? A docs-hund!

by (few years ago!)
Computer jokes

Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?Because DEC 25 = OCT 31

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

What do you get if you cross a dog with a frog ?A dog that can lick you from the other side of the road!

by (few years ago!)
TRUMP JR.: 'DEATH THREAT WEDDING SPEECH WAS A JOKE'

LATEST: IVANA TRUMP's son was joking when he threatened to kill his mother's new husband ROSSANO RUBICONDI at their wedding last month (12Apr08).
Donald Trump Jr. handed over his mother to her Italian toyboy with a chilling warning for the 35-year-old groom.
He remarked in front of the wedding's 500 guests: "We are a construction company and we have job sites, we lose people. You better treat her right, because I have a .45 and a shovel." And though Trump Jr. admits he has spoken to the groom "man to man" about an incident when his mother called police to remove Rubicondi from her home earlier this year (17Mar08), he insists the speech was all in good fun.
He says, "Rossano's always been straight up with me. If he treats her with respect, that's all you can ask." The couple wed in a lavish ceremony at the Palm Beach, Florida estate of Trump's ex-husband, property mogul Donald.

by (few years ago!)
Stuttering Problem

A guy walks into his doctor's office and says, "Ddddoc, I've bbbeen sssttttuttering ffor yyears and III'm tired of it. Ccccan yyyou hehehelp mmme???"

The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you first before I can answer you."

The doc examines him and says, "Well, I'm pretty sure that I know what the problem is."

The guy asks, "wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"

The doc says,"It's your penis. It's about about 18 inches long and all of the down pressure is putting a strain on your vocal chords."

The guy asks, "Wwwhat ccan wwe ddo about it?"

The doc replies, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one. I can guarantee that the operation will cure your stuttering."

The guy says, "Dddo it!"

The guy has the operation and about four weeks later he comes back to the doctor's office and says, "Thanks Doc. You've solved my problem and I don't stutter any more but I've only had sex once in the past month. My wife doesn't enjoy it any more. I cannot satisfy her. She liked my long penis. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back one!"

The doc replies, "Nnnnope. A ddddeal's a ddddeal!"

by (few years ago!)
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