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Animal Jokes

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.'

The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.

The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,

'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'

The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best.

by (few years ago!) / 547 views
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Similar Jokes

Blonde jokes

Three women are about to be executed. Ones a brunette, ones a redhead and ones a blonde.The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim! Suddenly the brunette yells, EARTHQUAKE!!! Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes. The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim! Suddenly the redhead yells, TORNADO!!! Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim! and the blonde yells, FIRE!!!

by (few years ago!)
School jokes

A history jokeTeacher: When was Rome built?Pupil: At night.Teacher: Why did you say that?Pupil: Because my Dad always says that Rome wasnt built in a day!

by (few years ago!)
blonde jokes

A woman stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling her tank, she paid the bill and bought a soft drink. As she stood by her car to drink her cola, she watched a couple of blonde men working along the roadside.

One blonde man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other blonde man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the lady with the soft drink and went on down the road.

"I can't stand this," said the woman, tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men. "Hold it, hold it," she said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"

"Well, we work for the county," one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"

"You don't understand, lady," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there are three of us - me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back. Now just because Rodney is sick, that don't mean that Mike and me can't work." .

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

Why didnt the dog speak to his foot ?Because its not polite to talk back to your paw !

by (few years ago!)
Pregnant

K. C. lived very far from town, his wife was pregnant and about due.

He went to see the doctor because he was afraid that he wouldn't be able to get his wife to the doctor in time for the birth of his first baby.

The doctor told him, "K.C. , there's nothing to worry about. You've delivered calf's from a cow before haven't you?"

K. C. says, "Yes"

The doctor says, "Well it's the same thing involved when a woman gives birth to a baby."

K. C. leaves much less worried.

A few weeks later K. C. stops by the doctor's office and tells the doc. "I'm the proud father of a 9-pound boy." He smiles.

The doc asks, "Did everything go OK?"

K. C. answers, "Yeah, just one thing, I almost had to beat the shit out of her to make her eat the afterbirth.

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

Three blondes were walking through a field when they came across a set of tracks.The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said, "I think they could be bird tracks."The second blonde went to look and said, "No, I think these are deer tracks."They stepped aside and the third blonde went over to the tracks. She looked down, then got run over by the train!

by (few years ago!)
ARRIVING LATE FOR THE LECTURE


A certain professor arrived late for a lecture to find a most uncomplimentary drawing of himself on the blackboard.

Fuming, he asked the class joker in the front row, "Who, pray, was responsible for this atrocity?"

The joker won tremendous prestige with his reply, "I really don't know, but I strongly suspect its parents."

by (few years ago!)
EAGER TO IMPRESS THE BOSS


A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy.

by (few years ago!)
Political jokes

Democrat men like to watch football while the women fix holiday meals. On this, Republicans are in full agreement.

by (few years ago!)
Sport jokes

What lights up a football stadium ?A football match !

by (few years ago!)
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