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Marriage Jokes

Getting married is like going to a restaurant. When you see what everyone else has ordered you wish you were having what they're having.

Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

I haven't spoken to my Mother-In-Law for eighteen months....I don't like to interrupt her

Posted by Nick van der Leek at 10:21 PM

Labels: humor, marriage jokes


by (few years ago!) / 604 views
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Dirty Tattoo

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor, and asks for a turkey on her right inner thigh and a Christmas Tree on my left inner thigh.

The tattoo guy looks at her and says, "If you don't mind me asking, why do you want those tattoos in those spots?"

The woman looks at him and replies, "My husband is always complaining he has nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

by (few years ago!)
Elephant Jokes

What time is it when an elephant sits on the fence?
Time to fix the fence!


What's big, gray and flies straight up?
An elecopter!


What's gray, carries a bunch of flowers and cheers you up when your ill?
A get wellephant!


What's gray and goes round and round?
An elephant in a washing machine!


What's gray and highly dangerous?
An elephant with a machine gun!


What's big and gray and lives in a lake in Scotland?
The Loch Ness Elephant!


What's big and gray and has 16 wheels?
An elephant on roller skates!


Policeman: "One of your elephants has been seen chasing a man on a bicycle."
Zoo Keeper: "Nonsense, none of my elephants knows how to ride a bicycle!"


Why do the elephants have short tails?
Because they can't remember long stories!


How to you keep an elephant in suspense?
I'll tell you tomorrow!


What's the difference between an elephant and a piece of paper?
You can't make a paper aeroplane out of an elephant!


What's the difference between an elephant and a banana?
Have you ever tried to peel an elephant?


What's the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant?
About 3,000 miles!


What's the difference between an elephant and a gooseberry?
A gooseberry is green!


Teacher: " To which family does the elephant belong?"
Pupil: " I don't know, nobody I know owns one!"


How do you spell elephant?
E-l-l-e-e-f-a-n-t
"That's not how the dictionary spells it"
"You didn't ask me how the dictionary spelt it!"


Teacher: "Name six wild animals"
Pupil: " Four elephants and two lions!"


What do elephants sing at Christmas?
Noel-ephants, Noel-ephants... Who do elephants get their Christmas presents from?
Elephanta Claus!


What's the difference between an injured elephant and bad weather?
One roars with pain and the other pours with rain!


What's the difference between an elephant and a post box?
I don't know!


What's gray and wrinkly and jumps every twenty seconds?
An elephant with hiccups!


What goes up slowly and comes down quickly?
An elephant in a lift!


What's as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?
An elephant's shadow!


When should you feed milk to a baby elephant?
When it's a baby elephant!


How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed?
When your nose touches the ceiling!


What do you call an elephant that flies?
A jumbo jet

Why did the elephant cross the road?
Because the chicken was having a day off!


What do you call an elephant at the North Pole?
Lost!


Why were the elephants thrown out of the swimming pool?
Because they couldn't hold their trunks up.

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

What do you call a blonde with half a brain Gifted

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Punished For Something That I Didn't Do

One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that
I didn't do."

The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this! By the way, what was it that
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The little girl replied, "My homework."

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The Top Ten Lies Told By Graduate Students

1. No really, Ill be out of here in only two more years.

2. My job prospects look really good.

3. The department is giving me so much support.

4. I just have one more book to read and then Ill start writing.

5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.

6. Your latest article was so inspiring.

7. I would never date an undergraduate.

8. My work has a lot of practical importance.

9. Id be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article.

10. It doesnt bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street.

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Blonde jokes

One day there was a blonde riding a horse. The horse kept going faster and faster until the blonde fell off, with her foot getting stuck in the stirrup. Hearing her screams for help, finally a Wal-Mart clerk came over and turned off the merry-go-round.

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A husband with a computer addiction

My Dear Husband,

I am sending you this letter via this BBS communications thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO. The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him.

Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.

I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; I'm sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn't be disturbed.

Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George--err--Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, she'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.

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by (few years ago!)
An Irish Mental Institution

In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave.

This year the two lucky gents were Patty and Mike.

They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files.

The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for his questioning. When Patty came into the office he was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor.

"Patty you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go.

Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin.

Patty nodded and the doctor began to question him.

The first question was this. "Patty if I was to poke out one of your eyes what would happen?"

"I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought.

"What would happen if I poked out the other eye?"

"I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that he had just gotten his freedom.

The doctor then sent him outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files.

When Patty got into the waiting room however, he told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were.

The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty. "Mike the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?" <

"I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told.

This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking.

"Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?"

"I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.

But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, "Me hat would fall down over me eyes."

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So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

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Cover Up

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive''s wife stopped by his office.

When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

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