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Marriage Jokes

Getting married is like going to a restaurant. When you see what everyone else has ordered you wish you were having what they're having.

Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

I haven't spoken to my Mother-In-Law for eighteen months....I don't like to interrupt her

Posted by Nick van der Leek at 10:21 PM

Labels: humor, marriage jokes


by (few years ago!) / 583 views
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KNOCK, KNOCK JOKES PARADISE

Knock, knock!
who's there?
Boo
Boo who?
Don't cry, it's only a joke!

Knock, knock!
who's there?
Earl
Earl who?
Earl be glad to tell you when you open the door.

Knock, knock!
who's there?
Emma
Emma who?
Emma bit cold out here, will you let me in?

Knock, knock!
who's there?
Howl
Howl who?
Howl you know unless you open the door?

Knock, knock!
who's there?
Cargo
Cargo who?
Cargo beep beep!

Knock, knock!
who's there?
Aardvark
Aardvark who?
Aardvark a million miles, for one of your smiles...

Knock, knock!
who's there?
Cows
Cows who?
No they don't, they moo!

Knock, knock!
who's there?
Albert
Albert who?
Albert you don't know who it is!

Knock, knock!
who's there?
Twit2
Twit2 who?
You sound like an owl!

Knock, knock!
who's there?
Duey
Duey who?
Duey have to keep telling me Knock, knock jokes???

by (few years ago!)
blonde jokes

There were three women waiting to be executed: A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde. It was an old-fashioned execution. Of course, these women didn't want to die, so they needed a plan. The redhead said, "I have an idea. Follow my lead."

So, when it was time for the redhead's execution, the man put on her blindfold and made her line up against a wall. "Do you have any last words?" he asked. "No." she replied.

"Okay then. We're set. Ready. Aim... "

"TORNADO!" the redhead yelled out, pointing. The gunmen all turned around, and she escaped!

The brunette and blonde saw this. So, when it was time for the brunette's execution, the man put on her blindfold and made her line up against a wall. "Do you have any last words?" he asked. "No." she replied. "Okay then. We're set. Ready. Aim... "

"FLOOD!" the brunette yelled out, pointing. The gunmen all turned around, and she escaped, too!

Now the blonde understood this. So, when it was time for the blonde's execution, the man put on her blindfold and made her line up against a wall. "Do you have any last words?" he asked. "No." she replied. "Okay then. We're set. Ready. Aim... "

"FIRE!" ...

by (few years ago!)
Computer jokes

They say that the new super computer knows everything. A skeptical man came and asked the computer, "Where is my father?"The computer bleeped for a short while, and then came back with "Your father is fishing in Michigan."The skeptical man said triumphantly, "You see? I knew this was nonsense. My father has been dead for twenty years.""No", replied the super computer immediately. "Your mothers husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout."

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

What do you say to a Blonde that wont give in?A: "Have another beer."

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Misc Jokes

In school one day, the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about natural resources. So she stood in the front of the class and asked, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world what would it be?"

Little Eddy raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."

The teacher nodded and called on little Sandra. Little Sandra said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold, and I could buy a Corvette."

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Justin. Little Justin stood up and said, "I would want silicon." The teacher asked, "Why Justin?"

Little Justin responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside of her house!"

by (few years ago!)
Standing in Line

This long line of people are queueing up to get served in a shop. Suddenly one bloke starts massaging the person in front's back. The other bloke immediately turns round and says to him, "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

The bloke behind tells him, "Well, I'm a chiropractor and I can't help myself. I can't help practicing my art."

"Are you crazy?" says the bloke in front, "I'm a lawyer, but do you see me f**king the bloke in front of me?"

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A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to leave, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."


by (few years ago!)
Computer jokes

COMPUTER TERMS - TEXAS TRANSLATION:
LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thing tha splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time
PROMPT: What the mail ain't in the winter time
WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside
SCREEN: What to shut when it's black fly season
BYTE: What them dang flies do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: What's in the bottom of the munchie bag
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof
ENTER: Northerner talk fer "c'mon in, y'all"
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't 'member what ya paid fer the rifle

by (few years ago!)
Jokes And Funny Stories About Marriage - 5

Bill: Today is my wife's birthday.
Phil: What are you getting for her?
Bill: Make me an offer!

by (few years ago!)
Making a Confession

A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the Confessional and said nothing. The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting.

The priest coughs to attract the drunk mans attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally the drunk replies, No use knockin, pal. Theres no paper.

by (few years ago!)
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