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office jokes

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.




Judge: "Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?"

Juror: "I don't want to be away from my job for that long."

Judge: "Can't they do without you at work?"

Juror: "Yes, but I don't want them to know that."




Q: Do you know why bankers are such good lovers?
A: They know first hand, the penalty for early withdrawal.

by (few years ago!) / 702 views
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Sport jokes

Golfer: "Id move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course."Caddy: "Try heaven. Youve already moved most of the earth."

by (few years ago!)
Animal jokes

Several weeks later, Mama Stork was late for dinner. Papa and Baby waited for a long while, then gave up and ordered pizza. Mama stork didn't make it home till late the next morning.

When she tiredly sank into her favorite chair, Baby asked her, "Mama, where were you all last night?" "I was out making a young couple very happy," she sighed.

by (few years ago!)
blonde jokes

Last week, I stopped to pick up some Kentucky Fried Chicken and decided I would buy two "Family Specials." I asked the young blonde lady for one regular and for one extra-crispy.

The blonde teenager replied that she could not do that. She explained that they were pushing their regular, so she could not sell a whole bucket of extra crispy. "But," she added, "I can make it half and half."

"You mean you can sell me a whole family dinner with half regular and half extra-crispy, and also sell me another just like it?" I asked.

"Yes," she replied brightly. And so she did

by (few years ago!)
blonde jokes

Ashley, a young blonde woman, was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days, but finally she returned.

Her friend, Susan, never saw Ashley looking so sad. "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay. But you look so sad. Why?"

Ashley said, "Cause I just can't get a man."

Susan replied, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."

Ashley said, "Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods because I needed to find something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."

Susan said, "I don't understand what you're talking about."

Ashley replied, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."

Susan asked, "So, how is that gonna help you get a man."

Ashley answered, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."

by (few years ago!)
Religious jokes

Paul says to Jesus, "Hey man, whatcha doing for Passover?"Jesus says, "Just hanging around."

by (few years ago!)
THE FACTS OF LIFE


Boy: Dad, what's politics?

Dad: Let me set an example with our family. I have all the money so we'll call me the management. Mom receives most of it so we'll call her the government. We'll call the maid the working class, you are the people, and your baby brother is the future. Do you understand now son?

Boy: I still don't understand dad.

Dad: Think about it for a while son.

That night the boy wakes up because his baby brother is crying. He goes in and finds out he's soiled his diapers. He goes to tell his mom but she's asleep he goes in to the maids room but she's in there having sex with his dad. He bangs on the door but no one can here him.

The next day...

Son: Dad I understand politics now.

Dad: Good, explain it to me in your own words son.

Son: The management is screwing the working class while the government's fast asleep. The people are being ignored and the future is full of SHIT!

by (few years ago!)
Women jokes

What do you call a woman who marries an old, ugly and poor man?A: Stupid

by (few years ago!)
Women jokes

A man was walking along a beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and Im getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "Ive always wanted to go to Hawaii but Im scared to fly and I get very seasick. "Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "Thats impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete! How much steel! Youre going to have to think of another wish." The man agreed, and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "Ive been married and divorced four times. My w ives always said that I dont care and that Im insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside and what theyre thinking when they give me the silent treatment. I want to figure out why theyre crying, know what they really want when they say nothing, and know how to make them truly happy." The genie paused for a while and said, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge?"

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

Why did the blond quit his restroom attendant job? A: He couldnt figure out how to refill the hand dryer!

by (few years ago!)
Professor, The Car Broke Down

Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead. Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study.

The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything.

Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to two separate classrooms to take the exam. Each boy just shrugged and went to two different parts of the building.

As each sat down, they read the first question.

"For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom."

At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease. Then, the test continued.

"For 95 points, tell me which tire it was."

by (few years ago!)
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