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office jokes

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.




Judge: "Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?"

Juror: "I don't want to be away from my job for that long."

Judge: "Can't they do without you at work?"

Juror: "Yes, but I don't want them to know that."




Q: Do you know why bankers are such good lovers?
A: They know first hand, the penalty for early withdrawal.

by (few years ago!) / 665 views
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Men jokes

How can you tell if a man is cheating on you?He has a bath more than once a month.

by (few years ago!)
computer jokes

12. Microsoft Office would include "A little byte of this, and a little byte of that."

13. When running "scandisk," you will be prompted with a "You vant I should fix this?" message.

14. When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud Oy!"

15. A "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz would advertise that it gets rid of the "schmootz" on your monitor.

16. After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go "Shloofie."

by (few years ago!)
SPORTS PEOPLE: BASKETBALL; It Was No Joke: The Coach Was Sick

LEAD: One of the first things the Sacramento Kings' coach, Jerry Reynolds, requested after an ambulance took him to an emergency room Tuesday night was a bag of popcorn and a beer. That kind of joking is typical of the popular coach. In fact, Reynolds is so known for his jokes and courtside antics that most of the 16,517 fans who saw him collapse and lose consciousness during the Kings' victory over the Portland Trail Blazers in Sacramento, Calif., Tuesday night thought it was a stunt.

One of the first things the Sacramento Kings' coach, Jerry Reynolds, requested after an ambulance took him to an emergency room Tuesday night was a bag of popcorn and a beer. That kind of joking is typical of the popular coach. In fact, Reynolds is so known for his jokes and courtside antics that most of the 16,517 fans who saw him collapse and lose consciousness during the Kings' victory over the Portland Trail Blazers in Sacramento, Calif., Tuesday night thought it was a stunt. Even his players at first thought Reynolds was joking, and Referee Blaine Reichelt called a technical foul against the Kings, assuming that Reynolds had thrown himself onto the floor to mock an earlier call Reichelt made against the Kings. But the 44-year-old coach wasn't joking when he collapsed during the game. Although there were early fears that Reynolds had suffered a heart attack, the Kings' team physician, Dr. James Castles, said yesterday that Reynolds showed no evidence of a heart attack in tests conducted so far. The doctor also said Reynolds would be released from the hospital this afternoon if his final scheduled heart test, a treadmill study, showed normal results. Castles said that after a controversial foul call against the Kings, Reynolds ''leaped into the air and seemed to get dizzy.'' Reynolds fell face-first onto the arena floor and lost consciousness for about 30 seconds. The game was stopped 10 minutes with 5 minutes 56 seconds left while Castles and other doctors in the arena, including two cardiologists, examined him, attached a heart monitor to his chest and finally placed him on a stretcher. (AP)

by (few years ago!)
UNDER THE STREET LIGHT

Late at night, a drunk was on his knees beneath a street-light, evidently looking for something. A passer-by, being a good Samaritan, offered to help. "What is it you have lost?" he asked.

"My watch," replied the drunk. "It fell off when I tripped over the pavement."

The passer-by joined in the search but after a quarter of an hour, there was still no sign of the watch. "Where exactly did you trip?" asked the passer-by.

"About half a block up the street," replied the drunk.

"Then why are you looking for your watch here if you lost it half a block up the street?"

The drunk said: "Because the light's a lot better here."\

by (few years ago!)
Lawyer jokes

At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another: "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for four very good reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants dont get so attached to them, third there are some things even a rat wont do, and fourth sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings."

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

Whats a blondes favourite wine?A: "Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!"

by (few years ago!)
blonde jokes

was at Denver International Airport over the Christmas holiday, checking in at the gate, when a blonde male airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"

I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"

The blonde employee smiled, nodded knowingly, and responded, "That's why we ask."

by (few years ago!)
Sport jokes

Where do religious school children practice sports?In the prayground!

by (few years ago!)
kid jokes

A preacher was walking down the street when he notices a little boy trying to ring the doorbell but it's just out of his reach. he watches his efforts for some time and walks over to press the the bell. After he pressed it he leveled down to the boy and asked' "Now what?" to which the boy turned and shouted, "NOW WE RUN!!"

by (few years ago!)
LESSONS IN LIFE


DAD - Son, come in here, we need to talk.

SON - What's up, Dad?

DAD - There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?

SON - I don't believe; if I understand the definition of "scratch the car"; that I can say, truthfully,that I scratched the car.

DAD - Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?

SON - Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.

DAD - But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?

SON - Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.

DAD - Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox?

SON - Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.

DAD - So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?

SON - No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car.

DAD - But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact?

SON - Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.

DAD - So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car?

SON - No. No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the car?" From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car... the mailbox did... I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch the car" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.

DAD - Where in the heck did you learn to be such a liar?

SON - From The President of the United States.

by (few years ago!)
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