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computer jokes

Millions of Americans welcomed the Labor Day holiday.
It's the one day of the year when they can escape
the grueling drudgery of surfing the Internet at work.




I haven't lost my mind.
It's backed up on a disk somewhere . . .




Not tonight dear, I have a modem!




Voice on telephone to man seated at his computer:
Thank you for calling the tech support hotline.
If your computer becomes obsolete while you're holding,
press 1 to reach our sales department.


by (few years ago!) / 530 views
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Misc Jokes

In the traffic court of a large Midwestern city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to his honor that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case so she could get to the school on time.

A wild gleam came into the judge's eyes. "You're a schoolteacher, eh?" he said. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I've waited years to have a schoolteacher in this court. Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not drive through red lights' 500 times!"

by (few years ago!)
THE INTERN PUBLIC FOLDER

We have a big intern public folder at work, where all interns can post items and discussions, I found this is very amusing:

Intern 1: Does anyone know where and how we can access a high quality scanner and maybe even a photo quality 300dpi printer on campus?

Intern 2: Translation: Does anyone know where I can get access to the necessary equipment for making a fake ID?

Intern 3: Don't jump to conclusions. He could just as well want it to scan pornographic images.

Intern 4: Yes! The past few posts have made it perfectly clear! Intern 1 plans to scan pornographic images onto false identification cards! This will allow him and his friends to:

1) Get into bars
2) Improve the quality of their appearance
3) Give bouncers something to look at besides a smug photo
4) Distract bouncers from the scotch tape edges What a brilliant marketing move! Where can I buy stock in this venture, Intern 1?


by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

How do you drown a blonde?A: When he asks for a lifesaver, ask him what flavor he wants

by (few years ago!)
TWO WISHES

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.

The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"

"I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.

The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer,"

The ostrich says "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender.

"Well, it's close to last orders, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man.

"Same for me" says the ostrich.

"That will be $7.20" says the bartender.

Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

"That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs.

by (few years ago!)
FOUR CATHOLIC LADIES

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well.....?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'."

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go onthe Ferris wheel, but the husband wasnt comfortable with that. So thewife went on the ride by herself.The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown outand landed in a heap at her husbands feet."Are you hurt?" he asked."Of course Im hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didntwave once!"

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes

Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.

After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well,

by (few years ago!)
Men jokes

What do you do if your bank account stops working?Throw the guy out of the house.

by (few years ago!)
Lawyer jokes

The bartender asks him "Whatll you have?". The guy answers, "A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the drink, and says "Thatll be five dollars" to which he replies "What are you talking about I dont owe you anything for this".A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, hes got you there. In the original offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration". The bartenders not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But dont ever let me catch you in here again".The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the hell are you doing in here? I cant believe youve got the audacity to come back!". The guy says "What are you talking about? Ive never been in this place in my life", to which the bartender replies "Im nvery sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double To which the guy replies "Thank you Make it a scotch

by (few years ago!)
School jokes

Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is 4+4?Pupil: Thats not fair!You answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one!

by (few years ago!)
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