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Lawyer jokes

Did you hear that the Unitied States Post Office had to recall
its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers?
People were confused about which side to spit on.

by (few years ago!) / 600 views
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Similar Jokes

PASSING OUT THE OFFERING PLATE


A pastor explained to his congregation that the church was in need of some extra money, so he asked them to consider being more than generous. He offered that whoever gave the most would be able to pick three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed about the church, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had graciously offered a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady in the back of the church shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front, so she slowly she made her way towards him. The pastor told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much, and in thanks he asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation. She pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

by (few years ago!)
LESSONS IN LIFE

DAD - Son, come in here, we need to talk.

SON - What's up, Dad?

DAD - There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?

SON - I don't believe; if I understand the definition of "scratch the car"; that I can say, truthfully,that I scratched the car.

DAD - Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?

SON - Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.

DAD - But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?

SON - Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.

DAD - Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox?

SON - Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.

DAD - So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?

SON - No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car.

DAD - But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact?

SON - Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.

DAD - So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car?

SON - No. No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the car?" From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car... the mailbox did... I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch the car" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.

DAD - Where in the heck did you learn to be such a liar?

SON - From The President of the United States.

by (few years ago!)
Sports jokes

Two friends, Kirk and Bernie, were two huge baseball fans. Their entire lives, Kirk and Bernie talked baseball. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that who ever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One night, Kirk passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy, Bernie, awoke to the sound of Kirk's voice from beyond. "Kirk is that you?" Bernie asked.

"Yes, it's me," Kirk replied.

"This is unbelievable" Bernie exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?" asked Kirk.

"Tell me the good news first," replied Bernie.

"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven," said Kirk.

"Oh, that is wonderful, So what is the bad news?" asked Bernie.

Kirk answered, "You're pitching tomorrow night

by (few years ago!)
Coffee Addiction

You know you are addicted to coffee if

-You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

-You sleep with your eyes open.

-You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

-The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

-You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

-You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

-Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

-You chew on other people's fingernails.

-The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

-You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their
margaritas.

-You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

-You can jump-start your car without cables.

-You don't sweat, you percolate.

-You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

-You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

-You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

-People get dizzy just watching you.

-Instant coffee takes too long.

-You channel surf faster without a remote.

-You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

-You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

-You short out motion detectors.

-You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

-Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

-You help your dog chase its tail.

-You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

-Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

-You ski uphill.

-You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

-You answer the door before people knock.

-You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

Hear about the blonde explorer?She bought a piece of sandpaper thinking it was a map of the Sahara Desert.

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several yearsbefore the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walkedabout 10 feet behind their husbands.She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walkedseveral yards behind their wives.She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This ismarvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achievethis reversal of roles?"Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines"

by (few years ago!)
Men Vs. Women Jokes

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.

by (few years ago!)
TOUGH MICE


Three mice were sitting at a bar talking about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times." And, with that, he slams another shot.

The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for the fun of it." And, with that, he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and walks away.

The first two mice look at each other, then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?"

The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to shag the cat."

by (few years ago!)
JOINING THE CHURCH


Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newly-wed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor then went to the newly-wed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.

"What happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know," said the young man, "We're not welcome at 'Do it All' any more either."

by (few years ago!)
THREE ENGLISHMEN...


These three English guys are out drinking one night and decide that they want to have a fight. They stagger from pub to pub looking for a likely victim to pick on when they come across a single Irishman in this one bar.

"Watch this." Says the first Englishman, heading over toward the guy, "I hear that St Patrick was a shirt lifter."

"Really." Says the Irishman, calmly continuing to drink.

With that the second English guy decides to join in, "Yeah, and I hear he was a pervert too."

"Is that so?" the still calm Irishman responds.

"I know how to rile this tosser." Says the third Englishman, staggering toward the Irishman, "Hey, did you know St Patrick was really an Englishman?"

The Irish guy casually looks up and says, "Yeah, so your mates were telling me."

by (few years ago!)
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