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An Atheist in the woods...

An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 13-foot Kodiak brown bear beginning to charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.

"OH MY GOD! ..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

Even the river stopped moving ...

As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around...

"YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A BELIEVER?"

Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

"VERY WELL." Said God.

The light went out.

The river ran.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

... and the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive."

by (few years ago!) / 900 views
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Computer Support Problems

COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM:

1. Describe your problem:
_________________________________________________
__________________________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
__________________________________________________
_____________________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
__________________________________________________
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4. Problem severity:
A. Minor
B. Minor
C. Minor
D. Trivial

5. Nature of the problem:

A. ___Locked Up
B. ___Frozen
C. ___Hung
D. ___Strange Smell

6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes __ No __

7. Is it turned on? Yes __ No __

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes __ No __

9. Have you made it worse? Yes __

10. Have you had a friend who "knows all about computers " try to fix it for you? Yes__ No__

11. Did they make it even worse? Yes __

12. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

13. Are you sure you've read the manual? Maybe __ No__

14. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__

15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

16. If 'Yes' then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself:
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17. What were you doing with your computer when the problem occurred?
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18. If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you were logged in:
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19. Are you sure that you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

20. Does the clock on your VCR blink 12:00? Yes__ What's a VCR__

21. Do you have a copy of 'PCs for Dummies'? Yes__ No__

22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes__ No__

23. Do you have any electronic products that DO work? Yes __ No__

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26. Is the machine on fire? Yes__ Not Yet __

by (few years ago!)
Carstianity

"Haul a Yugo. Haul a Yugo."

Gearly beloved, we are Blazered here in the name of our Four-door, who art in Half-ton.

I'm speaking of our lord and Mazda, Jeep-sus Chrysler.

He is the Alfa and the Romeo.

He was born in a Ranger, he was Tempo'd by the DeVille, and he Daihatsu'd for your Sentras.

He said, "Dodge not, that ye not be Dodged.

Thou shalt not Corvette thy neighbor's Whitewall, but turn the other Cherokee.

If ye have Fiat, ye can move Montecarlos.

He ain't Chevy, he's my Beretta."

He ate the Last Supra, and he climbed the mount of Cavalier, where they Cruise-controlled him on the Motocross.

But God, in his Infiniti Mercedes, did Rolls away the Stanza.

Let us Prelude: Sayeth the prophet Isuzu, in the Dusenburg Bible, In the 23rd Saab, "The Ford is my Chauffeur. I shall not Walk.

He Lexus me in the paths of Right-turn-signals.

Yea, though I walk through the Valet of the Shadow of Dart, I shall Fiero no Eagle.

Subaru Goo dwrench and Mercury shall Volvo me Audi Daytonas of my life, and I shall Dwellmeter house of Delorean, Four-cylinder."

Gloria, In Ex-Celica Geo!

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The BANKER would say that the glass has just under 50% of its net worth in liquid assets.

The GOVERNMENT would say that the glass is fuller than if the opposition party were in power.

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The ECONOMIST would say that, in real terms, the glass is 25% fuller than at the same time last year.

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The PSYCHIATRIST would ask, "What did your mother say about the glass?"

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