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Bar jokes

These three guys are sitting at a bar arguing which one has the ugliest wife. The conversation begins to get heated to the point of the barkeeper telling them to get the hell out or shut up! In fact he says, "Why don't you settle it once and for all and just visit each others house and decide for yourselves."

"Damn Good idea," they agree, finish their drinks and make off for the first guy's house. Upon arriving he bangs on his door and the wife answers, she's not pretty and he turns to collect the bet from the other two. "Not so fast," says the second, "I got that beat."

And off they go to his house. He bangs on the door and his wife comes to the door, and all three step back in fright, she's damn ugly. He asks to collect the bet but the third guy says, "Sorry. I've got you both beat."

He goes to his house and walks right in, there's no sign of anyone around. He stomps his foot on the trap door in the floor and they all hear a voice say: "Is that you honey?" "Yeah it's me," he says. "Do you want me to come out?" she asks "Yes please," he says. "Should I put the bag on my head?" she asks. He says, "No. I don't want to screw you! I just want to show you off."

by (few years ago!) / 648 views
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by (few years ago!)
blonde jokes

A man walks into a bar, with a huge alligator on a leash. He walks over to the bar, and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry sir. You can't bring that alligator in here! It's a dangerous animal, and you're scaring all of the patrons." True enough, the man looked around, and noticed that everyone was standing on the tables, looking very nervous.

"But wait!" he cried. "This alligator is tame! It wouldn't hurt anyone." However, the bartender is adamant. "If," the man continues, "I can prove that this alligator is not vicious, can he stay?" "Well, I guess so," says the bartender. "However, you're going to have a devil of a time proving to everyone in here that that alligator is tame."

The man smiles, and leans over the alligator. "Ralph!" he shouts. "Sit up." With that, he beats the alligator on the head with his fist. BANG. BANG. BANG. And the alligator rears up on its tail.

"Ralph, open your mouth." BANG. BANG. BANG. And the alligator opened its huge mouth wide, revealing row upon row of gleaming white teeth. The man pulls out his wang, and lays it in the alligatorÕs mouth, as the entire bar crowd gasps. "Ralph! Close your mouth, but DON'T BITE!" BANG. BANG. BANG. As the man pummels the alligator on the head, the giant mouth slowly closes, and stops just short of biting the guys d**k off.

The crowd sighs, and the man says, "Ralph, open your mouth." BANG. BANG. BANG. The alligatorÕs mouth opens wide again. "There," says the man to the crowd. Now would anyone else like to try this?"

A blonde in the back says, "Yeah, I'll try, but only if your promise not to hit me on the head so hard."

by (few years ago!)
Misc Jokes

An Italian guy and a Jewish guy went out to dinner one night. They went to a very expensive restaurant and were at the restaurant for a couple of hours, talking and carrying on.

Finally, the waiter came over and asked, "Who should I give the check to?"

The Italian guy said, "Give it to me. I'll take care of everything."

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The next day the headlines read: "Jewish Ventriloquist Strangled to Death."

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