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AFL (Aussie Rules) Jokes

recently arrived immigrant was sitting at his home - terrified after watching going to his first game of footy.

His mate came in and saw how scared he was and asked what was wrong.

"I am not ever going back to the Melbourne Cricket Ground again!" the new arrival said.

"After the game I saw thousands of people running around the carpark yelling "We waz robbed! We waz robbed!!!"

by (few years ago!) / 1725 views
(Rated 5 Stars - 1 votes)
 

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Marriage jokes

A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies.A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying outthe casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!"

by (few years ago!)
Animal jokes

A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard.

The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid hag was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.

by (few years ago!)
Someone really stinks

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"

Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"

The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make."

And she says, "So have I, love."

To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

John: "Im a man of few words."Bill: "Im married, too."

by (few years ago!)
TIME TO HIT THE ROAD?


There are two pieces of tarmac sitting by the side of the bar, and they are having a drinking contest, to see which one is the hardest.

After 12 shots of vodka, both pieces of tarmac are still unphased, when suddenly the door opens and a red piece of tarmac walks in. On seeing the red piece of tarmac, one piece of tarmac runs straight for the toilets.

An hour later, he ventures out and discovers that the red piece of tarmac has left. The other piece of tarmac asks him why he ran off.

He replies "Haven't you heard about him? He's a cycle-path!"

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway. "Miss, may I see your driver's license please?"

"Driver's license? What's that?" asked the blonde.

"It's a little card with your picture on it." replied the police man.

"Oh, duh! Here it is." the blonde said as she handed it to the cop.

"May I have your car insurance?" asked the cop.

"What's that?" asked the blonde.

"It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car."

"Oh this? Duh! Here you go." said the blonde.

The cop then takes his d**k out of his pants, while the blonde exclaims, "Oh no, not another Breathalyzer test!"

by (few years ago!)
intelligent Dog

A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI.
"Well," says the personnel director, "you'll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute.
" Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute.
"Also," says the director, "you must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course."
This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time.

"There's one last requirement," the director continues; "you must be bilingual." With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"

by (few years ago!)
Sending The Bill

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when youre out of the office?

I give it to them, replied the lawyer, and then I send them a bill.

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

Where do you usually find dogs?It all depends on where you lose them.

by (few years ago!)
College Seniors vs. Freshmen

Freshmen: Are never in bed past noon.
Seniors: Are never out of bed before noon.

Freshmen: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they can cut.
Seniors: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they need to attend.

Freshman: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
Senior: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mt. Dew into a recitation class.

Freshman: Calls the professor "Professor."
Senior: Calls the professor "Bob."

Freshman: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
Senior: Drives to class if its further than three blocks away.

Freshman: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
Senior: Memorizes the professors habits to get a good grade.

Freshman: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university.
Senior: Knows where the next class is. Maybe...

Freshman: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
Senior: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop tarts in hand.

Freshmen: Have to ask where the computer labs are.
Seniors: Has own personal workstation.

Freshmen: Use the campus buses to go everywhere.
Seniors: Use the campus buses to run block while crossing the street.

Freshmen: Worry about the last freshman composition essay.
Seniors: Worry about the last GRE essay.

Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week.
Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October...

....maybe.

Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year.
Senior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year.

Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm.
Senior: Is proud of not quite failing his Complex Analysis midterm.

Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night.
Senior: Calls Dominos every other night.

Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of profs.
Senior: Is appalled that the campus Subway burned down over the summer.

Freshman: Conscientiously completes all homework, including optional questions
Senior: Offers to tutor conscientious frosh of opposite sex...

Freshman: Goes on grocery shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campus
Senior: Has a beer with Mom before moving onto campus

Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits him, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the chance to expand ones horizons and really make a contribution to society
Senior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry room

Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class
Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class

by (few years ago!)
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