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AFL (Aussie Rules) Jokes

Sorry if you are a collingwood fan, there there seems to be a bit of bias towards jokes about the Magpies

by (few years ago!) / 491 views
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computer jokes

You will never have an extra blank zip disk.

2. If you do bring along a blank zip or jaz disk, you won't need it.

3. If you don't bring along a blank zip disk, it will be the only available opportunity to obtain a copy of a hitherto unattainable, and uniquely appropriate program.

4. If someone else is watching while you are doing anything on the computer, anything at all, it will screw up. (That is a technical term)

5. The percentage chances of screwing up increase in direct proportion to the size of your audience.

6. No matter how simple it seems to you, your explanation will be more than they want to know.

by (few years ago!)
School jokes

A little kids in school, taking a true-false test and hes flipping a coin. At the end of the test hes flipping the coin again. The teacher says, "What are you doing?" He says, "Checking my answers."

by (few years ago!)
Animal jokes

The amazed butcher wraps up the meat and finds the money in the dog's purse. As the dog leaves, the butcher decides to follow. The dog enters an apartment house, climbs to the third floor, and begins scratching at a door. With that, the door swings open and an angry man starts shouting at the dog.

by (few years ago!)
Are You Really Sure?

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

A wealthy man sat in his attorneys office."Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?"the lawyer asked."Give me the bad news first.""Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars.""Thats the bad news?" the man asked incredulously."I cant wait to hear the terrible news.""Its of you and your mistress."

by (few years ago!)
Sport jokes

How does a physicist exercise?By pumping ion!

by (few years ago!)
Women jokes

Whats the best way to get a youthful figure? ANSWER: Ask a woman her age.

by (few years ago!)
Misc Jokes

Good: You flirt with a gorgeous woman at a party.
Bad: Your wife notices.
Ugly: You're married to Lorena Bobbitt.

Good: You talk your wife into taking a Viagra pill.
Bad: She gets it stuck in her throat.
Ugly: She misses three days of work because of a stiff neck.

Good: A beautiful redhead at a party drags you into a closet.
Bad: You discover just a moment too late,
she has the same equipment as you.
Ugly: Her's is larger than yours.

Good: Your 22-year-old daughter got a new job.
Bad: It's at the White House.
Ugly: She will be working for the president.

by (few years ago!)
Women jokes

A man was walking along a beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and Im getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "Ive always wanted to go to Hawaii but Im scared to fly and I get very seasick. "Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "Thats impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete! How much steel! Youre going to have to think of another wish." The man agreed, and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "Ive been married and divorced four times. My w ives always said that I dont care and that Im insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside and what theyre thinking when they give me the silent treatment. I want to figure out why theyre crying, know what they really want when they say nothing, and know how to make them truly happy." The genie paused for a while and said, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge?"

by (few years ago!)
A very depressed man

There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

by (few years ago!)
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