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AFL (Aussie Rules) Jokes

Sorry if you are a collingwood fan, there there seems to be a bit of bias towards jokes about the Magpies

by (few years ago!) / 454 views
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Dog jokes

What dogs never get lost? Newfound-lands!

by (few years ago!)
Give a Man a Fish

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.

Teach him to use the Internet, and he won'tv bother you for weeks!

by (few years ago!)
Youll never have to go to jail with all that money

A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didnt want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, Dont worry. Youll never have to go to jail with all that money. And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didnt have a dime.

by (few years ago!)
MAKING A POINT


A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room.

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes

There was this guy, passing a bar who noticed a sign in the window: "Free beer for life. Just pass the test." He went in and asked the bartender, "What is the test?"

"All you have to do," said the bartender," is drink a pint of vodka, go into the back yard and extract a tooth from an alligator, and then go upstairs and satisfy a woman who has never been satisfied."

"No problem," said the guy. He immediately drank the vodka, and went into the yard. Several minutes later, after considerable commotion, he reappeared in the bar and said, "Now, where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

by (few years ago!)
Animal jokes

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear.
In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.
Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!"
The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.
Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you God, for the food I'm about to receive..."

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

What should you do if you find an angry 500 pound dog in your kitchen Eat out.

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes beer booze and fun

An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms. The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him. The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?" The bartender quickly replies -, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

Why was the broom late ? It over swept !

by (few years ago!)
Bars & Bartender Jokes & Funny Stories - 2

This guy walks into a bar for the first time, and he's sitting around drinking. Some of the old timers are telling jokes. One of them says "Seventeen" and the other old timers all roar with laughter. A little later, another of 'em says "Thirty-Two" and again, they all laugh and holler. Well, the new guy can't figure out what's going on, so he asks one of the locals next to him "What're these old-timers doin'?" The local says "Well, they've been hangin' around together so long they all know all the same jokes, so to save extra talkin' they've given 'em all numbers." The new fellow says "That's mighty clever! I think I'll try that." So he stands up and says in a loud voice "Nineteen!" Silence; everybody just looks at him, but nobody laughs. Embarrassed, he sits down again, and asks the local fellow "What happened? Why didn't anyone laugh?" The local says "Well, son, ya just didn't tell it right..."

by (few years ago!)
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