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Sports jokes

The racecar driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.

"What's the matter! Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked.

"It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights'. Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'What a smooth finish'."

"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver.

"Nothing, but then you felt my p**sy and yelled, 'Who the hell left the garage door open'?"

by (few years ago!) / 741 views
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Similar Jokes

Sounds of the Wild

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.

Mother: "What does the cow say?"

Child: "Moo!"

Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"

Child: "Meow."

Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."

by (few years ago!)
ARRIVING LATE FOR THE LECTURE


A certain professor arrived late for a lecture to find a most uncomplimentary drawing of himself on the blackboard.

Fuming, he asked the class joker in the front row, "Who, pray, was responsible for this atrocity?"

The joker won tremendous prestige with his reply, "I really don't know, but I strongly suspect its parents."

by (few years ago!)
Why are you yelling that?

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.

In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.

The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green side up!"

In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.

He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!"

The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.

In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.

The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green side up!"

The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"

"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

by (few years ago!)
Men jokes

A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past an empty cart when he heard a woman ask, "Excuse me, did you want that cart?""No," he answered. "Im only after one thing."As he walked toward the store, he heard her murmur, "Typical male."

by (few years ago!)
blonde jokes

The stunning blonde had gone to her student advisor for some course problems, but seemed to be paying only half attention to his replies.

"Are you feeling Okay?" he asked.

"Well, to be honest, I have this compulsion to have sex with every man I meet," she admitted. "Is there a name for my condition?"

"Why yes, there is," he said, as he picked her up and began carrying her to the couch. "It's called, 'Good News'."

by (few years ago!)
Misc Jokes

One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.

Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: "Price check on lane thirteen: Tampax, supersize."

That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "thumbtacks." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb, or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"

by (few years ago!)
Men jokes

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!" "Whats the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know youve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but Im just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely. And Im sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "Whats a man, Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, hell give you a hard time. But, hell be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. Hell be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack." "Sounds g reat," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "Yeah, well. Hes better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition." "Whats that, Lord?" "Youll have to let him believe that I made him first."

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

Why do blondes have more fun?A. They are easier to keep amused.

by (few years ago!)
Difference between God and an attorney?

What's the difference between God and an attorney?

God doesn't think he's an attorney.

by (few years ago!)
lawyer jokes

1. Show how to effectively negotiate the best contract or cash settlement which you will be able to keep instead of seeing most of it to go to a lawyer.

2. It will instantly give you a best case scenario and outcome once you have entered all of the relevant information to your case. Your best case outcome is not dependent on how much you are willing to spend in lawyer fees.

by (few years ago!)
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