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Sports jokes

The huge college freshman figured he'd try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.

"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.

"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"

"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.

"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"

The freshman rolled his eyes, hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

by (few years ago!) / 597 views
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Similar Jokes

Want me to paint for you?

A blonde was recently fired from an M&M factory for throwing away Ws and peeling the shells on the candies. Therefore, she needed a new job to support herself. After going around town asking if anyone needed work done, she found a man who needed a painter.

"I'm here for the paint job," she said.

"Alright," said the man. "Here is the paint and your brush. I want you to paint my porch behind the house."

The blonde immediately went to work painting. Within an hour, she was done and decided to put on a second coating.

After she finished, she returned to the man for her pay. She said with satisfaction, "I not only completed the job, but I even put on two coats of paint! By the way, that isn't a porsche out back. It's a new BMW.

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

A student engineer in the office got engaged some time ago. At herwedding, I was reminding her of the first day she wore her ring. Noneof the other women in the office even noticed.Finally, in sheer and total exasperation, she said "Boy !!! Its sowarm in here today, I think Ill take off my ring."

by (few years ago!)
WELL, I'LL BE DOG GONE

A guy walks into a bar with his dog and says, "I'll have a Scotch and water and my dog would like a whiskey sour."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't allow animals in here."

The dog replies, "Hey, I'm tired of being discriminated against. Just give me a drink."

The bartender says, "Oh, no, not another ventriloquist with the old talking dog trick. Both of you, get out of here!"

"No, no, no, this isn't a trick, I promise you," says the man, "I tell you what, I'll go for a walk around the block and you talk to Rover here." The man leaves and the bartender sees him turn the corner.

"Now, can I have my drink." says the dog.

The bartender is amazed. "Sure you can and it's on the house! Listen, can you do me a favour? My wife works next door at the cafe. It'll make her day if you go in and order a cup of coffee. Here's ten bucks and you can keep the change afterwards."

"Okay." says the dog and he takes the ten dollars and leaves. Ten minutes go by and the dog doesn't come back. The owner returns and asks where is the dog. So both of them go off to see what happened to the dog.

As they approach the cafe, they see Rover going at it hot and heavy with a French poodle in the alley between the bar and cafe.

The owner shouts, "Rover! What are you doing! You've never done this before!"

The dog shrugged. "Hell, I've never had any money before."

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

Both of my marriages have been disappointing. My first wife left me and my second one didnt.marr

by (few years ago!)
A LUCKY BREAK

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are yer absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank God for that, I thought I was crippled."

by (few years ago!)
Religious jokes

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children whilethey were drawing. She walked around to look at the artwork.As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she askedwhat the drawing was.The girl replied, "Im drawing God."The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like.Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girlreplied, "They will in a minute."

by (few years ago!)
WHAT A JOB!


Can you imagine working at the following Company? It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:

29 have been accused of spouse abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad cheques
117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
3 have been arrested for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shop-lifting
21 are current defendants in lawsuits In 1998 alone
84 were stopped for drunk driving

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.

by (few years ago!)
Possible IBM acronyms

IBM: It's Being Mended
IBM: Inmense Ball of Muck
IBM: I Believe in Memorex
IBM: It's Better than Macintosh!
IBM: Idiots Built Me
IBM: Intense Bowel Movement
IBM: Inferior But Marketable?
IBM: I've Been Mislead
IBM: It's Better Manually
IBM: Infinitly Better Macintosh
IBM: Indefinitly Boggled Machine
IBM: I Bought a Mac
IBM: I Blame Microsoft.
IBM: I Bought Macintosh
IBM: I'll Buy Macintosh
IBM: I've Been Moved
IBM: I've Been Mugged
IBM: Incontinent Bowel Movement
IBM: Identical Blue Men
IBM: Idiotic Bit Masher
IBM: Idiots Become Managers
IBM: Incompatible Business Machines
IBM: Incredibly Boring Machine
IBM: Infernal Bloody Monopoly
IBM: Institute of Black Magic
IBM: Internal Beaurocratic Mess
IBM: International Brotherhood of Magicians
IBM: Intolerant of Beards and Mustaches
IBM: It'll Be Messy
IBM: It's Backwards, Man
IBM: Itty Bitty Machines
IBM: Itty Bitty Morons
IBM: It Barely Moves
IBM: I Buy Mainframes
IBM compatible - IBM contemptible

by (few years ago!)
School jokes

Father: Well Son, how are your exam results ?Son: Theyre under waterFather: What do you mean ?Son: Below "C" level !

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

What happened at the cannibals wedding party? They toasted the bride and groom.

by (few years ago!)
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