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Sports jokes

The huge college freshman figured he'd try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.

"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.

"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"

"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.

"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"

The freshman rolled his eyes, hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

by (few years ago!) / 614 views
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Similar Jokes

Lawyer jokes

Lawyer: "Let me give you my honest opinion."Client: "No, no. Im paying for professional advice."

by (few years ago!)
French Computers

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

"House," in French, is feminine-"la mansion."

"Pencil," in French, is masculine - "le crayon."

One puzzled student asked, "...What gender is computer?..."

The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary.

So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun.

Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

by (few years ago!)
funny animal jokes

Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting."

So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there."

Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!"

Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too."

So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg.

Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.

The breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!"

by (few years ago!)
AN OLD HOCKEY INJURY


Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened. Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while."

Josh said, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."

Andy responded, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup play-offs. I put my foot through the television."

by (few years ago!)
CRUISING WITH THE PENGUINS


A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."

The guy says OK, and drives away.

The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"

The guy replies: "I did . . . today I'm taking them to the beach!"

by (few years ago!)
Computer jokes

A guy is taking a walk and sees a frog on the side of the road. As he comes closer, the frog starts to talk. "Kiss me and I will turn into a princess."

The guy picks the frog up and puts it in his pocket. The frog starts shouting, "Hey! Didn't you hear me? I'm a Princess. Just kiss me and I will be yours."

The guy takes the frog out of his pocket and smiles at it and puts it back. The frog is really frustrated. "I don't get it. Why won't you kiss me? I will turn into a beautiful princess and do anything you ask."

The guy says, "Look, I'm a computer geek. I don't have time for girls. But a talking frog is very cool!"



by (few years ago!)
Religious jokes

There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air.The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength.Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying. One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed.With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope. The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."

by (few years ago!)
Sport jokes

What is a runners favourite subject in school?Jog-raphy!

by (few years ago!)
Sport jokes

Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked. "Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee." "Oh, thats awful!" "Youre not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."

by (few years ago!)
blonde jokes

Last week, I stopped to pick up some Kentucky Fried Chicken and decided I would buy two "Family Specials." I asked the young blonde lady for one regular and for one extra-crispy.

The blonde teenager replied that she could not do that. She explained that they were pushing their regular, so she could not sell a whole bucket of extra crispy. "But," she added, "I can make it half and half."

"You mean you can sell me a whole family dinner with half regular and half extra-crispy, and also sell me another just like it?" I asked.

"Yes," she replied brightly. And so she did

by (few years ago!)
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