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Heaven And Hell

In Heaven:

The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.

In Hell:

The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian.


In Computer Heaven:

The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.

In Computer Hell:

The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.

by (few years ago!) / 495 views
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Similar Jokes

Gags For The Office Drone

Run one lap around the office at top speed
Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other 'no-player'must be in the
bathroom at the time)
Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you
Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to
say I can't talk right now. Bye"
To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily,"Mmmmmmm,
that feels soooooo good!"
Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really
prefer it this way"
Walk sideways to the photocopier.
While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.


THREE-POINT GAGS


Say to your boss, "I like your
style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers
Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want
to have to repeat it"
Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice)
Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a
'non-player' within sight).
Shout random numbers while someone is counting.


FIVE POINT GAGS


At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for
once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points
if you actually launch into it yourself).
Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation,
turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.
Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".
After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamacian accent.
As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut
up, damm it, all of you just shut up!"
At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my witness, I'll never
go hungry again".
In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear
that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now"
Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about
it"
Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local
resturant. Let him go.
Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference
call.
Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely
surprised when someone points it out.
Rollerblade around the floor throwing sweets

by (few years ago!)
Sports jokes

Coming home from his Little League game, young Bobby swung open the front door very excitedly. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what had happened at his son's game. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.

"You'll never believe it." Bobby said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"

"Really? How did you do that?" inquired his dad.

Bobby replied, "I dropped the ball."

by (few years ago!)
School jokes

Teacher: I hope I didnt see you looking at Freds test paper.Pupil: I hope you didnt see me either!

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

What is the fastest way to get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?A. Wave at her.

by (few years ago!)
Religious jokes

The congregation was sitting and waiting for the preacherto began his sermon when two masked men burst into thechurch and said "Whoever is not willing to take a bulletfor Jesus better leave now." More than half of thecongregation jumped up and ran out the door. The two men took off their masks, sat in the front rowand said, "Okay, Reverend, you can preach now. All thehyprocrites are gone."

by (few years ago!)
ON JUDGEMENT DAY


Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in 3 days.

They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses, and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though, that no matter what they did he was "not"changing his mind. So, . .

Bill Clinton went in and told his staff, "I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news . . . there "is" a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."

Boris Yeltsin went back and told his staff, "I have bad news and more bad news. The first was . . . there "is" a God. The second was that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."

Bill Gates went back and told his staff, "I have good news and good news. First . . . God thinks I am one of the three most important people in the world. Second . . . you don't have to fix the bugs in Windows 98.

by (few years ago!)
School jokes

Pupil: My teacher was mad with me because I didnt know where the Rockies were.Mother: Well next time remember where you put things!

by (few years ago!)
Blonde Sheep Winner

There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes and decided to dye her hair brown. She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

She asked the shepherd, If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?

He replied Sure!

Out of the blue, she blurts out, 352!

He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She looks and searches and finally picks out the cutest one.

He looks at her and says, If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back!

by (few years ago!)
Trump Jr.: 'Death Threat Wedding Speech Was A Joke'

Ivana Trump's son was joking when he threatened to kill his mother's new husband, Rossano Rubicondi, at the couple's wedding last month. Donald Trump Jr. handed over his mother to her Italian fiance with a chilling warning for the 35-year-old groom.

He remarked in front of the wedding's 500 guests: "We are a construction company and we have job sites, we lose people. You better treat her right, because I have a .45 and a shovel."

And though Trump Jr. admits he has spoken to the groom "man to man" about an incident when his mother called police to remove Rubicondi from her home earlier this year, he insists the speech was all in good fun.

He says, "Rossano's always been straight up with me. If he treats her with respect, that's all you can ask."

The couple wed in a lavish ceremony at the Palm Beach, Fla., estate of Trump's ex-husband, property mogul Donald.

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

Whats a blondes favorite color?A: A light shade of clear.

by (few years ago!)
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