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You know you are in a Texas church when

People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.

The preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys stand up.

The restrooms are outside.

Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

When it rains, everyone is smiling.

Prayers regarding the weather are standard practice.

The choir group is known as the "OK Chorale".

The pastor wears boots.

Four generations of the same family sit together in worship.

There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.

Baptism is referred to as "branding".

There is a special fund raiser for a new septic tank.

Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.

High notes on the organ can set the dogs to howling.

People wonder, when Jesus fed 5000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish.

People think "rapture" is when you lift something too heavy.

The final words of the benediction are, "Ya'll come back now, ya hear?"

by (few years ago!) / 683 views
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Similar Jokes

If you drop a snake and an attorney...

If you drop a snake and an attorney off the Empire State Building, which one hits first?

Who cares?

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Zoo jokes

Two young nuns having just been ordained were on a holiday in New York City and were standing in front of the gorilla cage at the Bronx Zoo. The gorilla took one look at this beautiful young nun, bent the barslept to the ground and kissed her. Then he went back into his cage, straightened the bars and resumed thumping on his massive chest. The nouns met again a week later and one of the nouns asked her friend,"I have one question.Did he sent flowers afterwards.

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Lawyer jokes

A lawyer with insomnia consulted her doctor. "Which side is it best to lie on?" she asked."The side that pays your fee," replied the doctor.

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Late For School

Little Johnny was late getting to school.
"Johnny, you're late," scolded the teacher.

"It's not my fault, Miss Jones," Johnny replied. "It's because of the sign."

"What sign?" the teacher asked.

"The one that says, 'School Ahead, Go Slow'. That's what I did," said Johnny.

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

What kinds of people dont get invited to blonde parties? A: Women!

by (few years ago!)
Lawyer jokes

At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another: "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for four very good reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants dont get so attached to them, third there are some things even a rat wont do, and fourth sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings

by (few years ago!)

They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

"I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."

"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"


"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"

"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."

"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

"Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

by (few years ago!)
Men jokes

Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they dont generate much interest.

by (few years ago!)
Animal jokes

Three fleas meet in Florida every year for vacation together. They sit at the bar and start talking about their trips. The first flea is a little upset. He found a group of bikers that were headed for warmer weather, and jumped in one of the guy's moustaches. It was a little cold and windy for him there.

The second flea didn't have much luck either. He hopped onto a dog's tail, and it turned out that the dog had to ride in the back of the pick-up truck. It was a cold, windy trip for him too.

The third flea said his trip was beautiful. He waited in an airport bar and climbed up a pretty stewardess's leg. He nestled into the soft warm hair between her legs and slept like a baby till they landed. The first two fleas liked the idea, and decided to try it next time.

A year later the 3 fleas meet at the bar again and start to talk about their trips. Two of the fleas had wonderful trips; they just can't believe how easy it was. The other flea isn't so happy. "Didn't you find a stewardess?" they ask him.

He says, "Well, here's what happened: I found a beautiful stewardess. I climbed up her leg, and there I found the softest, silkiest, warmest hair I ever dreamed of. I got myself comfortable, and I settled in for the night. I was sleeping deeply and all of a sudden -there I was again, whipping down the freeway in some biker's moustache!"

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

When Joes wife ran away with his car, his money and his best friend, he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist.Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, "Life isnt worth living. I think Im gonna top myself.""Dont be stupid, Joe," said the psychiatrist. "My wife ran off and left me too, yet Im happy.""How?" asked Joe."Easy," replied the quack. "I threw myself into my work. I totally submerged myself in my job and soon forgot her. By the way, Joe, what work do you do?""I clean out septic tanks." Joe replied.

by (few years ago!)
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