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Marriage quotes 03

There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.

A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. -- Bruce Friedman

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. -- Marvin Kitman

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. -- Helen Rowland

by (few years ago!) / 710 views
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Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. Its distracting!"Caddy: "This isnt a watch, sir, its a compass!"

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Blonde jokes

Why was the blondes belly button sore ?A: Because her boyfriend was blonde too.

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SO CORNY IT HURTS!

A guy walks into a bar and approaches the barman, "Can I have a pint of Less, please?"

"I'm sorry sir," the barman replies, looking slightly puzzled, "I've not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?"

"I've no idea," replies the guy, "The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less."

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FRIVILOUS LAW SUITS BY US JAILBIRDS

A Virginia inmate tried to sue himself for $5 million on the grounds that he had gotten drunk and caused himself to violate his religious beliefs by committing a crime. Because he had no money, he wanted the state to pay the $5 million.

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A San Quentin death row inmate sued California, claiming his civil rights were violated because his packages were sent via UPS rather than the U.S. Postal Service.

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An Oklahoma inmate alleged his religious freedoms were violated but could not say just how, because the main tenet of his faith was that all its practices were secret.

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A Nevada inmate sued when he ordered two jars of chunky peanut butter at the Nevada State Prison canteen and received one chunky and one creamy.

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An Ohio inmate sued for being denied possession of soap on a rope.

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A convicted New York rapist sued the state, claiming he lost sleep and suffered headaches and chest pains after being given a "defective haircut" by an unqualified barber.

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An Oklahoma inmate sued because he was forced to listen to country music.

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An Arizona inmate sued when he was not invited to a pizza party that prison employees held for a guard leaving his job.

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A Colorado con sued for early release because "everyone knows a con only serves about three years of a 10-year sentence."

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An Indiana prisoner sued because he wanted to obtain Regain for his baldness

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DOES YOUR CAT OWN YOU?

See how many yes answers apply to you.

Do you select your friends based on how well your cats like them?
Does your desire to collect cats intensify during times of stress?
Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month?
Do you think it's cute when your cat swings on your drapes or licks your butter?
Do you admit to non-cat owners how many cats you really have?
Do you sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your cats when you move?
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Do you feed your cat tidbits from the table with your fork?
Does your cat sleep on your head?
Do you like it?
Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food in the refrigerator?
Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote?
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Jokes & Funny Stories About Blondes

A blonde had used up all of her sick days so what did she do?
A. She called in dead.

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QUASIMODO GETS DEPRESSED

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About five minutes later a very pleased looking Quasimodo bounced back back the stairs and gave Esmerelda a great big hug.

"Well it worked" Quasmido beamed, "But who on earth is Iain Dowie?"

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High Monkey

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So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry, and
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computer jokes

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the "Soup of the Day" now?

Waiter: The current "Soup of the Day" is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup and the check. I'm running late now.

(Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.)

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

(Waiter leaves.)

Patron: Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!

The check: Soup of the Day Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day
Access to support

Note: Bug in the soup included at no extra charge (will be fixed with Tomorrow's soup of the day).

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Education Jokes

Funny jokes about the educational system, school, teachers and students. Everyone likes to poke fun at teachers and the educational system. And why not? It's better even than shooting spit-wads... ha ha ha ha ha
Warning: Discretionary Content. Articles in this Buzzle.com Chapter may contain material that is either inappropriate or offensive to some audiences

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