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If Microsoft built cars

Top Ten ways things would be different if Microsoft built cars:

1. A Particular model year of car wouldn't be available until AFTER that year, instead of before.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.

3. Occassionally your car would just die for no reason and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you would just accept this.

4. You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought a car '95 or a car NT, but then you would have to buy more seats.

5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car. Wait a second, it's that way NOW!

6. Sun Microsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice as reliable, 5 times as fast, but only ran on 5% of the roads.

7. The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.

8. People would get excited about thew new features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years.

9. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas (tm).

10. Ford, General Motors, and Chrylser would all be complaining because Microsoft was putting radios in all its models.

by (few years ago!) / 577 views
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IT'S A MATTER OF TRUST


A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summerhouse in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.

On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed.

Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast.

As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.

The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.

Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.

The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.

"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are all stuck on a deserted island together. The island is 20 miles from the nearest inhabited island so they all decide to try to swim there. The redhead makes it 10 miles, is exhausted, gives up, and drowns. The brunette makes it 15 miles before shes too tired to go any farther and drowns. The blonde gets 19 miles away from the deserted island, decides shes too tired to go any farther, and swims all the way back to the deserted island.

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Business jokes

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end. Finally she couldnt take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!". "Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store. A clerk answers and Tom says "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?" The clerk replies "Canned or frozen?"

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Get caught sleeping at work?



"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

"This is just a 15 minute power-nap as described in that time management course you sent me."

"Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out You probably got here just in time!"

"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

"I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

"I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve work-related stress."

"Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

"The coffee machine is broken..."

"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

" ... in Jesus' name. Amen."

by (few years ago!)
FIRESIDE TALES

Three men are sat around the camp fire, knocking back a few whiskeys and chewing the fat. The conversation soon turned to their animals as all the men owned dogs.

The first man said "My dog is called Woodworker. I'll show you why I chose the name. Go, Woodworker!" and with that the dog grabbed a log from the fire and began chewing it. Within minutes the dog had chewed out a beautiful figurine.

Not to be outdone, the second man said "Well, my dog is called Stoneworker, watch this." With that he instructed the dog who promptly fetched a rock over and began gnawing away at it. Within minutes the dog and carved out a beautiful stone figurine.

The third man smiled and said "Well my dog's called Ironworker". He put the poker into the fire and waited until the tip was glowing red hot.

"Now" he continued, "all I have to do is touch his balls with this and you watch him make a bolt for the door!"

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

When Mr. Maxwells wife left him he couldnt sleep."She took the bed!"

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

of my marriages have been disappointing. My first wife left me and my second one didnt.marr

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan."Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldnt hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand."Yes?" asked the instructor."Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

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Redneck Job Interview

You might be a redneck if the interveiwer asks, 'Did you know that we are a Fourtune 500 Company?' And you answer 'What track do y'all sponsor that race at? I ain't been to that one yet.

by (few years ago!)
Pain Killers

A man was suffering from a stomachache, so he told his wife, who suggested he try the tablets the Doctor had given her for a similar pain.

After taking his wife's tablets for a week, the pain disappeared but he developed two rather tender lumps, one behind each ear.

He went to his doctor, showed him the lumps, and explained what had happened. Whereby the Doctor called him all the fools under the sun, saying, "You bloody idiot! I was treating your wife for a fallen womb, who only knows how I'm going to get your balls back down!"

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