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Fallen bridge

blond and her blond boyfriend went for a walk along the river.

The blond walked across alone on a wooden bridge. After crossing the river, the bridge fell down.

She called across to her blond boyfriend telling him that she couldn't get back.

He yelled in response, "Wait until dark, and I will shine my flash light across the river. Get on the light beam and walk back."

She replied, "No, I'll get half way across the river, and you will turn the light off on me!"

by (few years ago!) / 477 views
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Wedding Top 10 Jokes

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend,

but a successful woman is one who can find such a man

One of my daughter's wedding presents was a toaster oven.

Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out.

Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster.

"Get the owner's manual!" her husband shouted.

"I can't find it anywhere!" she cried, searching through the box.

by (few years ago!)
Under The Influence - Bar Jokes - Amazing Gerbil

A scroungy looking fellow goes into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says, "No way; I don't think you can pay for it."

The guy shrugs, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if
I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me
a drink?"

The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't too risque?."
Under The Influence - Bar Jokes - Amazing Gerbil
"Done!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls
out a very large gerbil. He puts the gerbil on the bar and it
scampers down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the
keyboard and starts playing some wonderful Scott Joplin
tunes.

The bartender says, "Truly Amazing! I've never seen anything
like that before. Your furry friend is truly good on the piano."
The fellow grins, downs the drink and asks for another. "Cash,
another miracle or else no drink," says the bartender.

Undaunted, the fellow reaches into his coat again and pulls out
a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing.
He has a marvelous baritone voice and great pitch. A fine singer.

Another patron from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy
and offers him $500 on the spot for the frog. The guy says, "Done,
sir." He takes the five and gives the stranger the frog.

The stranger beats a hasty retreat out of the bar. The bartender
says to the guy, "What are you? Wacko? You sold a singing frog for
just $500? That thing must be worth millions. You're crazy."

"Maybe not...," says the guy, "Considering my friend the gerbil is
also a ventriloquist."

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

What did the dog use to make his kite?Flypaper.

by (few years ago!)
Sports jokes

THEY'RE OFF! Conscience is left behind at the gate. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is being pressured. Passionate Lady is caught by Thighs and Big Dick is in a dangerous spot!

AT THE HALF: It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and Big Dick is pressed in. Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.

AT THE STRETCH: Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Dick is making a final drive. Bare Belly is in and Passionate Lady is coming.

AT THE FINISH: It's Big Dick giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes through with one final thrust and wins by a head. Bare Belly shows, Thighs weakens, Heavy Bosom pulls up, And Clean Sheets never had a chance.

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes

Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand" "So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?" "Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

A blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.She goes to his apartment that same day, with the gun in hand. Sure enough, when she opens the door, she finds her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. She points the gun at her boyfriend at stares him down for a moment. Then, suddenly, shes overcome with grief, so she puts the gun up to the side her head.Her boyfriend screams, "Honey, dont do it..."The blonde yells back, "Shut up! Youre next!"

by (few years ago!)
Men jokes

What do you call a handcuffed man?A. Trustworthy.

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.Whats up? he says.Im having a heart attack, cries the woman.He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as hes dialling. his four-year-old son comes up and says, `Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Teds hiding in your wardrobe and hes got no clothes on!The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door.Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.You jerk, yells the husband, my wifes having a heart attack and youre running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!

by (few years ago!)
The O.j. Murder Trial" By Dr.seuss

I did not kill my lovely wife.
I did not slash her with a knife.
I did not bonk her on the head.
I did not know that she was dead.
I stayed at home that fateful night.
I took a cab, then took a flight.
The bag I had was just for me.
My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be.
When I came home I had a gash.
My hand was cut from broken glass.
I cut my hand on broken glass.
A broken glass did cause that gash.
I have nothing, nothing to hide.
My friend, he took me for a ride.
Did you take this person's life?
Did you do it with a knife?
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not anytime.
Did you hit her from above?
Did you drop this bloody glove?
I did not hit her from above.
I cannot even wear that glove.
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, not anytime.
And now I'm free, I can return
To my house for which I yearn.
And to my family whom I love.
Hey now I'm free -- Give back my glove!!

by (few years ago!)
Labour Pains

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.

by (few years ago!)
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