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Business Trip

On a business trip to San Diego, I was feeling little lonely. So I went to the local house of ill-repute and asked for Sarah Jones. After a wild evening, Sarah said I was the best and she was sorry that she had to ask for $100. I smiled and gave her $200. The next night, we were at it again. Later she apologetically asked for another $100 since she "works for a living". I smiled and gave her another $200. The third night, I dropped by for one last roll in the hay. Afterwards, she asked for the $100. When I gave her another $200 and told her that I had to return to Boston. She remarked that she had a sister in Boston and I said, "I know. Your sister asked me to bring you $600!"

by (few years ago!) / 776 views
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Business jokes

"Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance Company." "Would you spell that, please?" "Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you." The operator pauses. "Just a minute, sir. Ill connect you with my supervisor . . ."

by (few years ago!)
Lawyer jokes

Whats the difference between a lawyer and atrampoline?You should take your workboots off beforeyou jump on a trampoline.

by (few years ago!)
A defendant clad only in a barrel...

A reporter outside of a courtroom asked a defendant clad only in a barrel: Oh, I see your attorney lost the case! The defendant answered, No, we won.

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blonde jokes

Ashley, a young blonde woman, was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days, but finally she returned.

Her friend, Susan, never saw Ashley looking so sad. "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay. But you look so sad. Why?"

Ashley said, "Cause I just can't get a man."

Susan replied, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."

Ashley said, "Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods because I needed to find something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."

Susan said, "I don't understand what you're talking about."

Ashley replied, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."

Susan asked, "So, how is that gonna help you get a man."

Ashley answered, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."

by (few years ago!)
Some very common traits in two drunks

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. Why of course, comes the reply.A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. Why of course, comes the reply.

The first man then asks: Where are you from?

Im from Ireland, replies the second man.

The first man responds: You dont say, Im from Ireland too! Lets have another round to Ireland.

Of course, replies the second man.

Im curious, the first man then asks: Where in Ireland are you from?

Dublin, comes the reply.

I cant believe it, says the first man. Im from Dublin too! Lets have another drink to Dublin.

Of course, replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: What school did you go to?

Saint Marys, replies the second man, I graduated in 62.

This is unbelievable!, the first man says. I went to Saint Marys and I graduated in 62, too!

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. Whats been going on? he asks the bartender.

Nothing much, replies the bartender. The OKinly twins are drunk again.

by (few years ago!)
Political jokes

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then Im against it." "But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then Im for it." "This is my final position, and I will not compromise!"

by (few years ago!)
Top ten signs you bought a bad computer

10. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.

9. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.

8. In order to start it, you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.

7. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".

6. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.

5. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.

4. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"

3. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"

2. The only chip inside is a Dorito.

1. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.

by (few years ago!)
Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?

Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?

You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.

by (few years ago!)
Does your dog bite?

A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?"

"No."

A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.

"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.

"That's not my dog."

by (few years ago!)
MICROSOFT BUYS A LITTLE TIME

In a surprise move, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates announced yesterday that he has purchased the entire calendar year of 1998. 1998 will be replaced instead by "Year-M" to be followed by actual 1998.

"Windows 98 was not going to ship on schedule," Gates said. "But we couldn't change the name again... people were starting to get confused. So instead of spending a lot of time and money on a new marketing campaign we decided just to buy 1998. That way we get an extra year to debug Windows and get it shipped for what will be the new 1998."

Microsoft arranged this coup by leveraging its financial assets to bail out the Federal Government and pay off the national debt.

The IRS is being disbanded for next year, but taxes will be collected as usual with one change: all checks must be made payable to "Bill Gates." A side benefit of this purchase is that Gates now owns the judicial branch for the duration of "Year-M."

Speculators stated that Gates would likely use this opportunity to dismiss the numerous lawsuits pending against Microsoft. Gates apparently feels this would be cheaper than actually hiring lawyers to represent his rickety cases.

In a related story, God has filed suit against Gates because of his purchase, claiming time to be the sole property of God. In a counter suit, Gates claims God is a monopoly and demands that he be broken up into "deity conglomerates."

"Gosh," said Gates. "They broke up AT&T... why can't we break up God?"

Inside sources at Microsoft said that Gates was looking for an early resolution to the suit by hiring God as a programmer. Evidently, God has the exact profile that Gates is looking for in a programmer: he doesn't mind rainy climates, doesn't need any money, isn't married, and can work for at least 6 days without sleeping.

"If we could just get some

by (few years ago!)
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