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Deflowering The Joke

A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What is a vagina, and what does it look like?"

"Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose."

"Wow, what does it look like after sex?"

"Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?"

by (few years ago!) / 874 views
(Rated 4 Stars - 1 votes)
 

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GRADING THE ESSAYS

A professor was grading the essay finals he had just given his class and opened the exam book of a failing student to reveal blank pages and a $100 bill. The only thing written in the book was "$100 = 100% - I get an A."

A month later, the student approached the professor. "I don't understand," he said. "I failed the course. Didn't you read my final?" The professor handed the student the exam book.

The student opened it to reveal $50 and the phrase "$50 = 50% - You fail!"

by (few years ago!)
Business Trip

On a business trip to San Diego, I was feeling little lonely. So I went to the local house of ill-repute and asked for Sarah Jones. After a wild evening, Sarah said I was the best and she was sorry that she had to ask for $100. I smiled and gave her $200. The next night, we were at it again. Later she apologetically asked for another $100 since she "works for a living". I smiled and gave her another $200. The third night, I dropped by for one last roll in the hay. Afterwards, she asked for the $100. When I gave her another $200 and told her that I had to return to Boston. She remarked that she had a sister in Boston and I said, "I know. Your sister asked me to bring you $600!"

by (few years ago!)
Oceans Of Blondes

This blonde was driving down an old country road when she spots a blonde in a wheat field rowing a boat. She pulls over to the side of the road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief she stands at the side of the road to watch the woman for a while. When she could not stand it any more she called out to the blonde in the field.

Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?

The blonde in the field stops rowing and responds, Because it is an ocean of wheat.

The blonde standing on the side of the road is furious. She yells at the blonde in the field. It is blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name.

by (few years ago!)
Women Jokes

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said when her lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license? A: "Oh, its not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. Thats disgusting!"

by (few years ago!)
Animal jokes

So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. The husband was of course disappointed and somewhat skeptical about the Scottie dog's abilities as a guard dog.

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

Why couldnt the blonde add 10 and 7 on a calulator? A: She couldnt find the 10 key.

by (few years ago!)
Religious jokes

As Bill was approaching mid-life, physically he was a mess. Not only was he going bald, but years of office work had given him a large pot belly. The last straw came when he asked a woman co-worker out on a date, and she all but laughed at him. That does it, he decided. Im going to start a whole new regimen. He began attending aerobics classes. He started working out with weights. He changed his diet. And he got an expensive hair transplant. In six months, he was a different man. Again, he asked his female co-worker out, and this time she accepted. There he was, all dressed up for the date, looking better than he ever had. He stood poised to ring the womans doorbell, when a bolt of lightning struck him and knocked him off his feet. As he lay there dying, he turned his eyes toward the heavens and said, "Why, God, why now? After all Ive been through, how could you do this to me?" Fr om up above, there came a voice, "Sorry. I didnt not recoginize you."

by (few years ago!)
ON A PRESSING MATTER OF STATE


President Vladimir Putin called President Bush with an emergency:
"Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried; "My people's favourite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"

"Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.", replied the President.

"I do need your help," said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tie us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!", said Bush.

"Oh, and one more small favour, please?", said Putin.

"Yes?", replied the President.

"Could the condoms be red in colour and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Yeltsin.

"No problem," replied the President and with that Bush hung up and called the President of Trojan condoms. "I need a favour, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia."

"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.

"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in colour, 10" long and 4" wide."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the President, "Print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."

by (few years ago!)
Brain

A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:
How much for Engineer brain?
3 dollars an ounce
How much for (other generic profession) brain?
4 dollars an ounce.
How much for lawyer brain? 100 dollars an ounce.
Why is lawyer brain so much more?
Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?

by (few years ago!)
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