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Search Results for 'steal'

A GUY WALKS INTO A BAR... OUCH!


A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the toilets. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!"

After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

by (few years ago!)
A GUY WALKS INTO A BAR... OUCH!

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the toilets. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!"

After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"

by (few years ago!)
AN ACCOUNTANT FOR THE MOB


There was this man that was an accountant for the mob. He happened to be deaf and mute. While working for the mob he collected over 500,000 dollars by stealing from the books.

The mob boss finds out about this and sends two hitmen to his house. Since the accountant was deaf and mute his brother translated what his brother said.

Hitman: where is the money?

Accountant signs he does not know

Brother: he said he does not know

Hitman: tell us where the money is or we will kill your wife and kids, burn down your house, and castrate you!

Accountant signs fast and furiously that the money is in a safe that is hidden in the floorboard of his closet and gives the combination.

Hitman: what did he say?

Brother: you don't have the balls!

by (few years ago!)
NOW, THAT REMINDS ME


There were these two priests who rode bikes to church every Sunday. Well one day one of the priests showed up to work without his bike. The other priest asked where his bike was so the first priest said, "I don't know, but I think it got stolen!"

The other priest said, "Well what you do is read off the Ten Commandments, and when you get to "Thou shall not steal" someone will confess to the crime."

The next time the two saw each other the priest had his bicycle back. "I see you got your bike back! Did you do what I said?" the one priest said.

The other said, "Well kind of, when I was reading the commandments and I got to Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery, I seemed to remember where I had left it."

by (few years ago!)
THE NAME'S BLONDE... DUMB BLONDE!

Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
You can park in the handicap zone.

What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievment? An IN-body experience!
What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpme Dumpme.
How do you make a blonde's eyes light up Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.
What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
You only have to punch information into a computer once.
What do a blonde and your computer have in common? You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.

Why don't blondes eat Jello? They can't figure out how to get two cups of wate
r into those little packages.

Why don't blondes eat bananas?
They can't find the zipper.
What will a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive? Her ankles.

Why don't blondes use vibrators?
They chip their teeth.
Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
Cause their balls show!
Why do blondes drive BMWs?\
It's the only car name they can spell.

What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side? An interpreter.
What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A mental block.
What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning? Pack their lunch and send them to work.

What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
Introduces herself.
How can you steal the window seat of a blonde on a plane going to London?
Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs?
She fell out of the tree.

What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
Locking the car door.

by (few years ago!)
EVEN MORE BLONDE QUESTIONS ANSWERED

What do you call a blonde with half a brain ?
Gifted!

How do blonde braincells die?
Alone.

What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
Pregnant.

How do you brainwash a blonde?
Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
Artificial intelligence.

Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
Because they can't even keep two calves together!

Nothing. They've never met.

Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
After a dye job.

Why did God create blondes?
Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.

Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.

Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
To turn the blinker off.

Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.

Why do blondes wear their hair up?
To catch everything that goes over their heads.

by (few years ago!)
A GUY WALKS INTO A BAR... OUCH!


A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the toilets. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!"

After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"

by (few years ago!)
Business jokes

Mom and Dad are in the iron and steel business. She does the ironing and he does the stealing.

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

How can you steal the window seat of a blonde on a plane going to London?A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"

by (few years ago!)
AN ACCOUNTANT FOR THE MOB


There was this man that was an accountant for the mob. He happened to be deaf and mute. While working for the mob he collected over 500,000 dollars by stealing from the books.

The mob boss finds out about this and sends two hitmen to his house. Since the accountant was deaf and mute his brother translated what his brother said.

Hitman: where is the money?

Accountant signs he does not know

Brother: he said he does not know

Hitman: tell us where the money is or we will kill your wife and kids, burn down your house, and castrate you!

Accountant signs fast and furiously that the money is in a safe that is hidden in the floorboard of his closet and gives the combination.

Hitman: what did he say?

Brother: you don't have the balls!

by (few years ago!)
NOW, THAT REMINDS ME


There were these two priests who rode bikes to church every Sunday. Well one day one of the priests showed up to work without his bike. The other priest asked where his bike was so the first priest said, "I don't know, but I think it got stolen!"

The other priest said, "Well what you do is read off the Ten Commandments, and when you get to "Thou shall not steal" someone will confess to the crime."

The next time the two saw each other the priest had his bicycle back. "I see you got your bike back! Did you do what I said?" the one priest said.

The other said, "Well kind of, when I was reading the commandments and I got to Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery, I seemed to remember where I had left it."

by (few years ago!)
Computer jokes

Who holds up stagecoaches and steals laptop computers?Click Turpin

by (few years ago!)
Computer jokes

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying:"Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter At Your Own Risk!"He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him."You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?""I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers Im hauling.""Okay, truck drivers are not nerds," he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked."Why did you do that?""Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You dont even need a license." r The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen!He cant let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop."Whats wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck driver."Well, sure," says the patrolman. "But you cant bait em!"

by (few years ago!)