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Computer Jokes; 424 Jokes

WINDOWS XP ERROR MESSAGES

A few of the new error messages that were taken under consideration during the development of the Windows XP operating system...

• Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

• Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

• BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

• Close your eyes and press escape three times.

• File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

• Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

• Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

• Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

• Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

• Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it

by (few years ago!)
ANOTHER PEARLY GATES VARIATION


Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker. The supreme deity turned to Al and asked, tell what is important about yourself.

Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth's ecological system was most important. God looked to Al and said, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand".

God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most. Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important. God responded, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand".

God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly. God asked "What is your problem Bill Gates?"

Bill Gates responded " I think you are sitting in my chair

by (few years ago!)
ON JUDGEMENT DAY

At COMDEX Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

• For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

• Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

• Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

• Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

• Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but it would only run on five percent of the roads.

• The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

• New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

• The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

• Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lift the door handle, turn the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

• GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

• Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as in the old car.

• You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine

by (few years ago!)
ON JUDGEMENT DAY


Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in 3 days.

They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses, and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though, that no matter what they did he was "not"changing his mind. So, . .

Bill Clinton went in and told his staff, "I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news . . . there "is" a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."

Boris Yeltsin went back and told his staff, "I have bad news and more bad news. The first was . . . there "is" a God. The second was that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."

Bill Gates went back and told his staff, "I have good news and good news. First . . . God thinks I am one of the three most important people in the world. Second . . . you don't have to fix the bugs in Windows 98

by (few years ago!)
THE SULTAN

The Sultan of Brunei was getting a bit cheesed off as he had 6 children, all girls, and therefore had no son and heir. Imagine his joy then,when one of his wives presented him with his only son and heir
Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side and said, "Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like an aeroplane." Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him British Airways.

Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat." Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him P&O Ferries.Just before his son's eighth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you His son replied Daddy, I would like something to watch films on." Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him MGM Studios and their cinemas, where he watched all his favourite Western Movies.

Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son, who had caught the 'Western' movie bug, replied, "Daddy,I would like a cowboy outfit." Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father went and bought him Microsoft

by (few years ago!)
IN THE BEGINNING...


In the beginning was the computer. And God said :Let there be light!

#You have not signed on yet.
:God.

#Enter user password.
:Omniscient.

#Password Incorrect. Try again!
:Omnipotent.

#Password Incorrect. Try again

by (few years ago!)
CONVERSATIONS WITH TECHNICAL SUPPORT

Tech Support: "What version of the Mac OS are you using?"
Customer: "Word 6.0."

• Tech Support: "What browser are you using, Netscape or Microsoft?"
Customer: "Netscape."
Tech Support: "Could you read to me what it says at the top of the window?"
Customer: "'Global Travel Conference - Microsoft Internet Explorer'."

• Tech Support: "Are you installing on a Mac?"
Customer: "No, I'm using a 3.5" thingee on a disk."

• Tech Support: "This has Windows 98 on it -- did it have Windows 98 or 95 on it when it was sent out for repair?"
Customer: "I think it had Office 97."

• Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"
Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"

• Customer: "I keep getting an error message whenever I try using the MSDOS mode in Windows 95."
Tech Support: "Can you describe what happens?"
Customer: "Well, I keep getting a black screen with an error message saying, 'C:\WINDOWS>'."

• Tech Support: "which drive is your CD ROM?"
Customer: "the top one."

• Customer: "Do I hit 'F' and '8' at the same time?"

• Tech Support: "Your password will be...a small 'a' as in apple, a capital 'V' as in Victor, the number '7' "
Customer: "Is that a capital '7'?"

• Tech Support: "Ok, let's try once more, but use lower case letters..."
Customer: "Uh, I only

by (few years ago!)
WINDOZE QUOTES

"How much do Windows cost, and do you have to buy each one separately?"

• Customer: "How much do Windows cost?"
Tech Support: "Windows costs about $100."
Customer: "Oh, that's kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?"

• Tech Support: "Do you have any windows open right now?"
Customer: "Are you crazy woman, it's twenty below outside..."

• "I try to avoid using Microsoft. That's why I use MS-DOS."

• Tech Support: "How can I help you?"
Customer: "Well, everything is working fine, but there is one program that is not."
Tech Support: "What program is it?"
Customer: "It's called 'MSDOS Prompt'."
Tech Support: "What's wrong with it?"
Customer: "Well, I click on it, a black screen shows up with NOTHING but a sign that reads: 'C:\WINDOWS>', and it just sits there and doesn't do anything. I have to turn off the system to go back to Windows."

• Customer: "File manager? What's that?"
Tech Support: "How long have you had your computer?"
Customer: "Three years."

• "I have a 386 Pentium."

• "My brother has a 486 with a Pentium chip in it."

• Customer: "The computer told me it had contagious memory. Does it have a virus?"
Tech Support: "No, that is 'contiguous' memory, as in 'sequential'."
Customer: "That is impossible, it said 'contagious'."
Tech Support: "Type 'mem' and hit the 'enter' key." Customer: "Oh."

• "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion.

by (few years ago!)
AFTER THE TOP TEN LINES FROM INTERNET CHAT ROOMS

You're different... I've never felt like this about someone I've never met before.

2 I'm new online and haven't had time to create a profile... but tell me more about yourself.

3 I never do Cybersex! Yet here in this room alone with you, well, I'm getting excited.

4 I'm 5'4, blonde hair, blue eyes and everyone loves my body!

5 I'm 6'0, great tan, and buffed from working out.

6 Yes of course I'm female...

7 I'm in this private room consoling a depressed friend.

8 No this is my only screen name... You mean you can have more then one?

9 I'm not like most of the guy's/gal's here, I want to meet so we can just have coffee and get to know each other. (at the hotel coffee shop)

10 I don't care what you look like, it's what's on the inside that counts (Which is true, it means: I'm horny and could care less, just type

by (few years ago!)
A NEW NAVIGATION TECHNIQUE

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out.

He began circling around looking for a landmark. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with a guy working alone on the fifth floor. He banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hey where am I?"

The man replies, "You're in an airplane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to perform a perfect blind landing on the airport runway 5 miles away.
Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out. The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it.

"Quite easy," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East.

by (few years ago!)
YOU KNOW YOU'RE ADDICTED TO THE INTERNET WHEN...

Your bookmarks takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

• You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.

• All of your friends have an @ in their names.

• You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Excite.

• You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

• Your phone bill is delivered in a box.

• You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

• The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.

• You forget what year it is.

• You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited.

by (few years ago!)
BILL TAKES A PLANE RIDE


One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, The Dali Lama, and a hippie.

Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment. "Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.

Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.

Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.

The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you, you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."

The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack

by (few years ago!)
MICROSOFT BUYS A LITTLE TIME


In a surprise move, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates announced yesterday that he has purchased the entire calendar year of 1998. 1998 will be replaced instead by "Year-M" to be followed by actual 1998.

"Windows 98 was not going to ship on schedule," Gates said. "But we couldn't change the name again... people were starting to get confused. So instead of spending a lot of time and money on a new marketing campaign we decided just to buy 1998. That way we get an extra year to debug Windows and get it shipped for what will be the new 1998."

Microsoft arranged this coup by leveraging its financial assets to bail out the Federal Government and pay off the national debt.

The IRS is being disbanded for next year, but taxes will be collected as usual with one change: all checks must be made payable to "Bill Gates." A side benefit of this purchase is that Gates now owns the judicial branch for the duration of "Year-M."

Speculators stated that Gates would likely use this opportunity to dismiss the numerous lawsuits pending against Microsoft. Gates apparently feels this would be cheaper than actually hiring lawyers to represent his rickety cases.

In a related story, God has filed suit against Gates because of his purchase, claiming time to be the sole property of God. In a counter suit, Gates claims God is a monopoly and demands that he be broken up into "deity conglomerates."

"Gosh," said Gates. "They broke up AT&T... why can't we break up God?"

Inside sources at Microsoft said that Gates was looking for an early resolution to the suit by hiring God as a programmer. Evidently, God has the exact profile that Gates is looking for in a programmer: he doesn't mind rainy climates, doesn't need any money, isn't married, and can work for at least 6 days without sleeping.

"If we could just get some employees like that," Gates lamented, "we would be able to ship Windows 98 on time

by (few years ago!)
ON A PROMISE...


Three women were in a bar talking about their husbands and how they made love.
The first woman said, "My husband is a psychologist, and before we make love, he brings me flowers and candy. I like that."

The second woman proclaimed, "My husband is a mechanic, he makes love a little rough, but really tunes my engine; I like that!"

The third woman replied, "Well my husband works for Microsoft and all he does is sit on the edge of the bed and tell me how good it's going to be, when I finally get it.

by (few years ago!)
BILL AND THE PEARLY GATES


Bill Gates dies and is at the pearly gates talking with Saint Peter. Saint Peter says, "Bill, you've done some wonderful things in your life and have earned the right to choose where you'll spend the rest of eternity. You can choose between Heaven or Hell, but choose wisely."

Bill looks over Saint Peter's shoulder between the pearly gates and sees nothing but a lush green meadow. Deciding to heed Saint Peter's words, Bill asks if he could take a look at Hell. Saint Peter agrees and sends Bill to Hell.

The Devil greets Bill at the gates of Hell and he is immediately taken aback. Much to his surprise, there's one heck of a party going on. People are dancing, the alcohol is flowing, music is non-stop and everyone is having a blast.

Bill returns to Heaven to again discuss his decision with Saint Peter. He again looks over Saint Peter's shoulder and sees only a lush green meadow. Bill says to Saint Peter, "I've put a lot of thought into this decision and it may sound foolish, but I'd like to spend the rest of eternity in Hell." Saint Peter fulfills Bill's request and returns him to Hell.

When Bill gets back to Hell there's been a big change. People are writhing in agony, flames are burning, moans of pain and despair are everywhere. Bill, being quite shocked at the sight asks the Devil, "What happened?? I was just down here a little while ago and everyone was having a great time!"

The Devil says, "Oh that... That was just the demol

by (few years ago!)

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