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Animal Jokes; 778 Jokes

TWO STRINGS


These two strings walk up to a bar. The first string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells "I don't serve strings in this bar..."

The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up and orders... The bartender shouts, "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?"

String says "Yeah."

Bartender says, "aren't you a string?"

String says, "No, I'm a frayed knot..

by (few years ago!)
TWO STORKS

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."

The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."

A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night.

The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the hell out of college students!"

by (few years ago!)
THE MERMAID AND THE COW

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in he head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son, woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.

And there he also met the Mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."

The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."

Then the young fellow asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

by (few years ago!)
EXTRACTS FROM THE SECRET DIARIES OF CATS

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding on the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed (again).

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in
attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was ...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.

But I can wait; it is only a matter of time....

by (few years ago!)
A BETTER MAGIC TRICK

A magician on a cruise liner had a parrot, who'd seen all the magician's tricks a million times, long ago having figured out how the magician made everything in the act disappear.

The parrot got bored, his owner growing stale and not developing any new tricks that the parrot could figure out. One night in the middle of the magician's performance, the ship hit an iceberg and sank.

Everyone drowned except the magician and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage and climb aboard, immediately collapsing from exhaustion.
Soon afterward, the parrot flew to the magician and perched on the edge of the makeshift raft and stared at the magician. And stared. And stared.

For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot didn't take his eyes off him. Eventually the magician started to stir. Looking up, he saw the parrot, still eyeing him intently, not even blinking.

Another hour goes by, and finally the parrot squawks, "All right, I give up. What did you do with the ship

by (few years ago!)
THE MAILMAN

The mail carrier had a registered letter that needed a signature for a party on his route. Receiving no response to his knock on the front door, he went around to the back door which he found open, except for the screen door. He knocked. A high pitch voice from inside said, "Come in."

Upon entering the kitchen, he was confronted by the largest German Shepard he had ever seen. The dog bared his fangs menacingly, forcing the mail man against the wall. The mail man shouted, "Lady, call off you dog before he eats me alive."

The only response he got was that same high pitch voice coming from the next room saying, "Come in."

Pressing his body against the wall, he slowly worked his way to the door way leading to the next room. Looking around, he saw the room was empty, except for a parrot in a cage. After the threat from the huge dog, he was becoming quite irate and said to the parrot.

"Darn you, don't you know any words besides 'Come in?"

Without a moments hesitation the parrot responded, "Sic him!

by (few years ago!)
LIFE AS A MOLE

A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!" The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrupThe baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking I can't smell anything down here but molasses....

by (few years ago!)
EMERGENCY IN THE VET'S OFFICE


A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.

The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.

The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.
The vet answers, "$650."

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

by (few years ago!)
DOWN A DEEP HOLE

Two guys are walking down a road when they come across a deep hole beside it. Being curious, they go over and check it out. When they look down, they are surprised to find they can't see the bottom. So they drop a couple of rocks down the hole and listen... Nothing. One of them says, "Man, that's a deep hole!"

Thinking they might hear something larger hit the bottom, they find a big, old cinder block and pitch it over the side. The pause and listen intently... They hear a sound, but it is coming from behind them! They quickly turn around to see a goat bearing down on them with it head lowered, flying along, its feet barely touching the ground, its moving so fast!

The two men dive out of its way just in time and the goat plunges past them, into the seemingly bottomless hole, to its doom. The two look at each other and say, "Boy that was close! We'd better get away from this thing before we end up with the goat!".

So they continue on their way down the road until they happen across this farmer working near it. The men again put their heads together and figure that the goat belongs to the farmer and the decide to tell him what happened.

"Hey Mr. Farmer. Do you happen to own a goat?", one of the men asked.

The farmer replies, "Yeah, why do you ask?"

The men then tell what happened at the hole and how they narrowly avoided death in the hole from the speeding goat.

The farmer said, "Well boys, I don't think that was my goat. You see, my goat is really old and crippled up with arthritis. There is no way he could have been moving that fast. Besides, I have him tied to a big, old cinder block.

by (few years ago!)
THE CRISTMAS PARROT

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife.

The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for; a beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter.

The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night." The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.

The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells."

The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead. Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing:

"Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!

by (few years ago!)
BEYOND ALL TRACK RECORDS

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog.

by (few years ago!)
THE HEAVENLY CAT

Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth. She told the Lord that it was awful, she had to sleep in cold back alleys where there was no food and life was hard. God told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way but here, in heaven, she would be happy and He would give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on. The cat laid down upon the pillow and was happy.

A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and God asked them how they had liked earth. Earth was no better for them than it was the cat.

They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people. God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them rollerskates.

One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she was liking heaven. She explained that it was absolutely wonderful. The pillow he gave her was the most comfortable place that she had ever slept on, but even better than the pillow were the meals on wheels

by (few years ago!)
FARMER JOE FEELS FINE

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court.

In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

"Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

"Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--"

"Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.

Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.

"Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.

However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.

He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?

by (few years ago!)
EVEN MORE BIZARRE REAL LIFE ANIMAL LAWS

Cats in International Falls, Minnesota, are not allowed to chase dogs up telephone poles If your dog gets your neighbor's dog pregnant in Danbury, Connecticut, you are responsible and must pay for the abortion if the neighbor chooses to have it done.

No dog may be tied to a shade tree in Birmingham, Alabama.

An ordinance in Belvedere, California, states "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."

Another misworded ordinance is this one from Arvada, Colorado: "If a stray pet is not claimed within 24 hours, the owner will be destroyed."

Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North Carolina.

In Sterling, Colorado, it is unlawful to allow a pet cat to run loose without a taillight.

In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.

Cats living in Cresskill, New Jersey, must wear three bells to warn birds of their whereabouts A Fountain Inn, South Carolina, law once required horses to wear pants at all times. But carriage horses in Charleston, South Carolina, were required to wear diapers.

In Calgary, Canada, a by-law requires businesses within the city to provide rails for tying up horses.

In Winona, MS, it is illegal to drive a car on Main Street because it frightens horses.

In Wilbur, Washington, it is against the law for a person to "ride an ugly horse" - the fine is $300!

If you live in California, you cannot keep your chickens, turkeys, goats, cows, and other farm animals in an apartment.

In Cumberland, Maryland, you cannot keep your chickens with you in your hotel room.

In Minnesota, it's illegal to tease skunks.

In Atlanta, it's against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or a street lamp.

Riding a camel on a highway in Nevada is against the law. Over in Galveston, Texas, it is against the law for camels to wander the streets unattended.

In Arizona, it is illegal to shoot or hunt camels.

It's illegal to take a deer swimming in water above its knees in North Carolia

by (few years ago!)
BIZARRE REAL LIFE ANIMAL LAWS

In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.

It is illegal for hens to lay eggs before 8 am and after 4 pm in Norfolk, Virginia.

Ducks quacking after 10 pm in Essex Falls, New Jersey are breaking the law.

In Quitman, Georgia, it is against the law for a chicken to cross any road within the city limits.

In McDonald, Ohio, farmers cannot march a goose down a city street. And fowl, particularly roosters, are prohibited from going into bakeries in Massachusetts.

In Kansas, it is illegal for chicken thieves to work during daylight hours.

In New York, frogs may be taken from their ponds from June 16 to September 30, but only between sunrise and sunset.

In Pennsylvania, no one is allowed to shoot bullfrogs on a Sunday.

In Arizona, the bullfrog-hunting season is permanently closed.

In Vermont, you can be fined if your pig runs in a public park without the permission of a selectman.

French Lick Springs, Indiana, once passed a law requiring all black cats to wear bells on Friday the 13th.

Madison, Wisconsin, will not allow joint custody of a family pet when a couple divorces - the animal is legally awarded to whoever happens to have possession of it at the time of the initial separation.

Dogs in Foxpoint, Wisconsin, may not bark profusely, snarl, or make any menacing gestures.

In Texas, it's illegal to put graffiti on someone else's cow.

It is illegal to ride a mule down Lang, Kansas' Main Street in August, unless the animal is wearing a straw hat.

Over in Berea, Kentucky and also in Willamantic, Connecticut, horses are not allowed out on the streets and highways at night unless the animal has a "bright" red taillight securely attached to its rump.

Horses may not wear cowbells inside the city limits of Tahoe City, California.

In Washington, though, every cow wandering the streets of Seattle must be wearing a cowbell.

In Burns, Oregon, horses are allowed in the town's taverns, if an admission fee is paid before they enter.

You can't blow your nose in public places in Leahy, Washington, because it might scare a horse and cause it to panic.

In Wanassa, New Jersey, a

by (few years ago!)

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