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Sport Jokes; 253 Jokes

THREE BASSKETBALL FANS

Three baseball fans leave the stadium after a game and come across a dead, naked woman lying in the middle of the street. After they call the cops, they each take off their baseball caps and place them on the dead woman out of respect and to cover her private parts until the cops arrive The first fan places his Boston Red Sox cap over her left breast, the second places his Phillies cap on her right breast and the third fan places his Yankees cap on her pubic area
The cops finally arrive, and the officers take statements from the fans to find out what happened. After explaining that they found her naked and covered her up with their caps, the cop went over to examine the body.

He briefly lifted the Red Sox cap, and quickly replaced it; then he lifted the Phillies cap, and also quickly replaced it.

However, when he lifted the Yankees cap, he stared and stared for what seemed to be two or three minutes. Finally, he let the cap drop, walked away, wrote in his notebook, then returned and lifted the Yankees cap once again and stared for a long time.

As he was walking away the second time, the fans were curious and stopped him and asked him why he spent so much time looking at the woman's genitalia, and he said, "It's the first time I've seen anything but an asshole under a Yankees cap."

by (few years ago!)
THE SUBSTITUTE TEACHER


A substitute teacher walks into the classroom on the blackboard she sees a message. It says, "Jimmy Poole, has got the biggest tool, in the whole damn school!"

She yells, "Whose Jimmy Poole?"

This kid in the back stands up and says, "I'm Jimmy Poole."

"Well, Jimmy, your staying after school!"

The very next day when the substitute teacher walks in, she looks up at the blackboard and written on it, it says, "PAYS to ADVERTISE.

by (few years ago!)
STRANDED


A man is stranded on a deserted island, all alone for ten years. One day a gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba suit arrives at the island. She comes up to the chap and she says, "How long has it been since you had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he answers. She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asks, "How long has it been since you had a whisky?"

He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a bottle of malt whisky and gives it to him. He takes a long swallow and says, "Wow, that is fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you had some real fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!

by (few years ago!)
BUILDER AND THE PRIEST HIT THE GOLF COURSE


A builder and a priest are out for a game of golf one afternooon. Unfortunately the builder wasn't very good at the game and every time he missed a shot would shout 'Shit, missed'.

The game went on and after several outbursts from the builder, the priest could hold his tongue no longer. "Don't swear like that" he told his friend, "or God will punish you". The builder apologised and the game continued.

As soon as he missed another shot the builder shouted "Shit, missed." and continued to do this every time he missed a shot for the next three holes.

The priest was starting to get really angry by now and said "I must insist that you stop swearing this instant, otherwise God will hear you and punish you!"

Once again, his pleas made no difference as the builder missed an easy putt on the seventeenth green and shouted out "Shit, missed". Immediately the heavens parted and a bolt of lightning flew from the sky, hitting the priest and killing him stone dead.

Suddenly, a booming voice was heard in the clouds, "Shit, missed!"

by (few years ago!)
WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE


Pat is appearing on the television quiz show 'Who wants to be a Millionaire'. He has already reached the £64,000 mark but he only has one lifeline left which is to phone a friend.

"You've done really well to get this far Pat" the quizmaster says, "the next question is worth £125,000 if you decide to play. Are you ready?"

"Sure" Pat nods.

"On screen is a photograph of a current Manchester United player as a small baby." the quizmaster continues, "The question is Pat, and don't forget this is for £125,000, which player is it?"

Pat looks at the picture on screen for a while and says "I'm pretty sure it's Ruud Van Nistelroy... No, I'm sure it is... Can I phone a friend just to check?"

"OK" the quizmaster asks, "Who are going to phone?"

Pat answers and pretty soon the phone is ringing and his best friend Mick picks up at the other end. The quizmaster explains the situation to Mick and Pat asks him the same question.

Without any hesitation Mick replies "No, that's definately Paul Scholes "

Pat looks concerned now "Are you sure Mick, I'm convinced that it's Ruud Van Nistelroy?"

"Definately" Mick replies.

"Well" the quizmaster continues, "You've used your lifeline, now I need your answer"

"OK" says Pat, looking nervous now, "But I'm sure it's Ruud Van Nistelroy, that's my final answer... Ruud Van Nistelroy."

"You had £64,000 Pat, If you're right you win £125,000, if you're wrong you leave us with the money you've got so far..." There's a tense drum roll and the music dips before the quizmaster speaks again

"Sorry Pat, you were wrong. Never mind, you've been a great contestant and you've won £64,000. Here's your cheque and thanks for playing."

As the audience start to applaud Pat asks, "What was the correct answer, it's killing me!"

The quizmaster replies, "Louis Saha."

by (few years ago!)
QUASIMODO GETS DEPRESSED


Quasimodo is sat in his study and once again is feeling depressed about how ugly he is. Looking for some reassurance, he goes in search of Esmerelda. When he finds her he asks her once again if he really is the ugliest man alive.

Esmerelda sighs and says "Look, why don't you go upstairs and ask the magic mirror who is the ugliest man alive? The mirror will answer your question once and for all"

About five minutes later a very pleased looking Quasimodo bounced back back the stairs and gave Esmerelda a great big hug.

"Well it worked" Quasmido beamed, "But who on earth is Iain Dowie?"

by (few years ago!)
COLLEGE SPORTS QUIZ


A guy walks into a restaurant, orders a drink, and asks the waiter if he'd like to hear a good Notre Dame joke.

"Listen buddy," he growled. "See those 2 big guys on your left? They were both linemen on the Notre Dame football team. And that huge fellow on your right was a world-class wrestler at Notre Dame. That guy in the corner was Notre Dame's all-time champion weight lifter. And I lettered in 3 sports at Notre Dame. Now, are you absolutely positive you want to go ahead and tell your joke here?"

"Nah, guess not," the man replied. "I wouldn't want to have to explain it 5 times."

by (few years ago!)
THREE BASSKETBALL FANS


Three baseball fans leave the stadium after a game and come across a dead, naked woman lying in the middle of the street. After they call the cops, they each take off their baseball caps and place them on the dead woman out of respect and to cover her private parts until the cops arrive.

The first fan places his Boston Red Sox cap over her left breast, the second places his Phillies cap on her right breast and the third fan places his Yankees cap on her pubic area.

The cops finally arrive, and the officers take statements from the fans to find out what happened. After explaining that they found her naked and covered her up with their caps, the cop went over to examine the body.

He briefly lifted the Red Sox cap, and quickly replaced it; then he lifted the Phillies cap, and also quickly replaced it.

However, when he lifted the Yankees cap, he stared and stared for what seemed to be two or three minutes. Finally, he let the cap drop, walked away, wrote in his notebook, then returned and lifted the Yankees cap once again and stared for a long time.

As he was walking away the second time, the fans were curious and stopped him and asked him why he spent so much time looking at the woman's genitalia, and he said, "It's the first time I've seen anything but an asshole under a Yankees cap."

by (few years ago!)
A NEW SPORT?


First man: My wife suggested that I take up a new sport this summer.

Second man: Well, that's nice. It shows that she has your interests at heart. Did she make any suggestions?

First man: As a matter of fact, she did. By the way, how do you play this Russian Roulette?

by (few years ago!)
AT THE STUD FARM


This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend. "I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse, I'm sending him over."

The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse. "A female horth," the midget replies. So the owner shows him one.

"Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes.

"OK, what about the earsth?" Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears.

"OK, finally, I'd like to see her twat." With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's twat, then pulls him out.

Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I should rephrase. I'd like to see her run!"

by (few years ago!)
MORE TALES FROM THE GOLF COURSE


A couple decide to go golfing to the best golf course in their state. While playing, the husband tells his wife to be very careful, as there were many houses along the golf course. But the stupid wife swings her club and it breaks one of the glasses of the biggest house on the course.

So the husband and wife decided to go and apologize to the owner of the house. When they reached the house they found a glass bottle lying on the floor broken into hundreds of pieces. They found an old man sitting in his rocking chair and greeted the couple inside.

He said, "I am a genie and I would like to thank you for letting me free from this bottle, and I would like to grant you 2 wishes and the 3rd wish is mine."

So the husband says "I want a private aircraft for myself." The wife said she would like a house in every single country.

The genie says, "for the past 200 years he has never had sex and would like to have sex with the lady."

The husband agrees and the genie takes the lady up and begins having sex.

Then he asks the lady "How old is your husband?"

she replies "47"

and the genie says "And he still believes in genies?

by (few years ago!)
TALES FROM THE GOLF COURSE


One day a man was out playing golf, when he sliced his shot off into a patch of buttercups. Rather disgusted with himself, he went in search of his ball. After finding it, he was ready to hit the ball back on the fairway when he heard a voice say "please don't hurt my buttercups". Startled, he looked around to find the source of the voice to no avail.

Again the man prepared to hit his golf ball and again he heard the voice say "please don't hurt my buttercups". This time when the man looked to find the source of the voice, he saw a small leprechaun standing by him.

The little man spoke to the man and said, "Please sir, if you will kindly pick up your ball and throw it up onto the fairway instead of hitting it with your club, I will reward you with a year's supply of butter for free".

The man thought about the offer for a minute then replied, "That's a fine offer, but I have but one question for you, where were you last week when I hit my ball into the pussywillows?"

by (few years ago!)
AN OLD HOCKEY INJURY


Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened. Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while."

Josh said, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."

Andy responded, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup play-offs. I put my foot through the television."

by (few years ago!)
THE PACKERS FAN


There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.

When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?"

The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan."

The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"

The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."

by (few years ago!)
ONE DAY WHILE SCAFFOLDING

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize that one of them is going to have to tell Steve's wife.

Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.

"So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.

"Yep", replied Bob.

"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"

Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me!"

"What??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??"

"Sure," Bob says.

"Why?" asks Jeff.

"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?'

'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!'

So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE

by (few years ago!)

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