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Politics & Law Jokes; 232 Jokes

THE KENNEDY/LINCOLN CONSPIRACY THEORY

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were succeeded by Southerners called Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names, each consisting of 15 letters in total.

Booth ran from the theatre and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

and finally....
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.

by (few years ago!)
INCREDIBLE DAN QUAYLE QUOTES

Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world." 9/21/88

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a 'part' of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a 'part' of Europe."

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." 15/9/88

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." 18/9/90

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago"

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."

"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."

"For NASA, space is still a high priority." 5/9/9

by (few years ago!)
POLITICS ON THE FARM

Two farmers were discussing politics and the first one says: "I believe in a share and share alike policy. One where we are all equal."

"Well" replied the other farmer "I'm not sure about that. What you mean is that if you have two horses you'd give me one?"

"Of course" says the first.

The second farmer continued: "and of you had two cars, you'd give me one of them too?"

"absolutely"

"So" says the second farmer, "if you had two pigs then you'd give me one of them?"

"ah, now hang on a minute" says the first, "you know I've got two pigs!"

by (few years ago!)
SURPRISING NEWS

Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked. He said he was pleased and that she is in great shape but that she was pregnant! She told the doctor there was no way, but he said that she most definitely was a month pregnant Well, she stormed out of the office and went to the receptionist and took the phone and called the White house. When the operator answered she said that it was Hillary and that she wanted to talk to Bill right away. Well, they rang the oval office and Bill answered.

Hillary said, "Do you know what you did you rotten bastard? You got me pregnant!" The president remained silent.

Again, Hillary screamed, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU ROTTEN BASTARD? YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!"

Bill finally answered, "Who is this?"

by (few years ago!)
SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE A LIBERAL

You paid $500,000.00 for a beer keg once used by John F. Kennedy.

You protested American intervention in Vietnam, but support American intervention in Haiti, Somalia, and Bosnia.

Upon hearing that President Clinton committed a rape and murder as part of Whitewater, you replied, "So what?"

If the years 1966 through 1974 are vague memories because of the effects of drug abuse.

You think Hillery Clinton is, "A babe."

You think that a naval aircraft carrier should be named after George McGovern, but then you remember that one aircraft carrier could feed a million starving children for a year.

You are against sexual harrasment except when committed by Senator Kennedy.

You think people who make above minimun wage are rich and should be taxed at 90 percent.

You are not shocked when someone says "F---" but are profoundly shocked when someone says "N---".

Upon hearing of anything bad that has happened, the first thing you think should be done is that the oil companies should be investigated.

You think heterosexual love is a male chauvinist plot to oppress women.

You think George Stephenapolis is, "A hunk."

You ever said, "Differently abled" when you mean "crippled."

You ever proposed that cockaroaches should be placed on the endangered species list.

You ever drove to an Earth Day rally in a Lincoln Towncar, or a Ferrari.

You blame the Republicans for rainy weather.

You never wished that Star Trek had more ship to ship combat scenes.

You think Al Franken is actually funny, but Rush Limbaugh is not.

You once referred to President Reagan as "that man in the White House."

You think that the Unabomber "has a point."

You cried out, "Where did I go wrong!" when your son or daughter joined the Marine Corps.

You think Newt Gingrich should be dipped in gravy train and fed to a pack of ravenous poddles.

You ever referred to someone's GI Joe figurines and matching tac nukes as "War toys."

You are against prayer in public schools, even before math tests.

You own an espresso maker, a cusinart, a vibrator, and a heated water bed and yet oppose off shore oil drilling and the construction of nuclear power plants.

You don't go into a fit of rage when Barney is on TV.

You think O.J. is actually innocent, but that Bernard Goetz is not.

You think that Doctors should be made into government bureaucrats, but that lawyers should not.

You've felt compelled to buy the child rearing book entitled, "How to get your Children to Say No in the 90s When You Said Yes in the 60s."

You object to little old ladies wearing fur, but not big, mean bikers wearing leather.


by (few years ago!)
QUOTES WE REMEMBER OUR WISE LEADERS BY

If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread & butter will be cut from right under your feet."
- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin.

"Without censorship things can get terribly confused in the public mind."
- General William Westmoreland, during the war in Viet Nam.

"Things are more like they are now than they ever were before."
- Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
- Former French President Charles de Gaulle

"The Internet is a gateway to get on the net."
- U.S. Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole

"Traditionally most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
- Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery.

"The President has kept all the promises he intended to keep."
- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on "Larry King Live"


by (few years ago!)
TOP REJECTED STATE OF THE UNION OPENING LINES

Immediately after my speech, you are all cordially invited to come up here and kiss my pasty white ass."

"Members of Congress, I feel you're a pain."

"Look at it, people! Take a good look! You got a tool like this, you use it -- know what I'm sayin'?"

"Are you impeachin' me? Are you impeachin' me? You gotta be impeachin' me cuz I'm the only President standin' here."

"Okay, I shagged her. I shagged her rotten, baby!"

"I'm not under oath, am I?"

"This meeting of The Duplicitous Serial Adulterers Group will now come to order. Ha, ha! Just kidding, people."

"I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. But first, a few words from my husband..."

"Whoa! I've been sleepwalking the last three years! I hope I didn't do anything embarrassing!"

"First, I'd like to introduce my new Attorney General, Alec Baldwin."

"Any of y'all got that Gwyneth Paltrow gal's phone number?"

"(Psssst! Al! Fourth row, third from the left -- you can see right up her skirt!)"

"I don't think anyone can deny that this past year has made a vas deferens in the face of politics.."

"I have not had sexual relations with anyone in this chamber. But seriously, folks..."

"Acquit me, or the

by (few years ago!)
ONE WINTER MORNING


President Clinton wakes up to a beautiful winter morning. The sun is shining, the air is crisp, and there is a light blanket of snow on the ground. He stretches and goes to look out the window at the snow-covered WhiteHouse lawn and sees the words "President Clinton sucks" written in pee in the snow.

Clinton gets all upset and calls White House Security. He tells them he doesn't care what it takes but he wants to know who did this. The Chief of Security returns in a couple of days to the President and tells him that he has good news, bad news, and real bad news.

"OK," says Clinton, "give me the good news first, then the bad news, and then the real bad news."

The Chief says: "The good news is after taking analysis of the pee, we know who the culprit is." Clinton nods and the Chief continues: "The bad news is the culprit is Vice President Gore." This really upsets the President, but he controls his anger and asks the Chief to tell him the real bad news.

The Chief of Security swallows and says, "It's in Hilary's hand writing".

by (few years ago!)
WHAT A JOB!

Can you imagine working at the following Company? It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:

29 have been accused of spouse abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad cheques
117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
3 have been arrested for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shop-lifting
21 are current defendants in lawsuits In 1998 alone
84 were stopped for drunk driving

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.


by (few years ago!)
REVENGE


Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking.

After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face. Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs.

A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.

But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well.

"I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"
A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clinton's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge.

They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton snickers.

A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter.

When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"

Clinton says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"

by (few years ago!)
ON A PRESSING MATTER OF STATE

President Vladimir Putin called President Bush with an emergenc condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried; "My people's favourite form of birth control! This is a true disaste Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.", replied the President.

"I do need your help," said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tie us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!", said Bush.

"Oh, and one more small favour, please?", said Putin.

"Yes?", replied the President.

"Could the condoms be red in colour and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Yeltsin.

"No problem," replied the President and with that Bush hung up and called the President of Trojan condoms. "I need a favour, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia."

"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.

"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in colour, 10" long and 4" wide."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the President, "Print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."

by (few years ago!)
THE FACTS OF LIFE


Boy: Dad, what's politics?

Dad: Let me set an example with our family. I have all the money so we'll call me the management. Mom receives most of it so we'll call her the government. We'll call the maid the working class, you are the people, and your baby brother is the future. Do you understand now son?

Boy: I still don't understand dad.

Dad: Think about it for a while son.

That night the boy wakes up because his baby brother is crying. He goes in and finds out he's soiled his diapers. He goes to tell his mom but she's asleep he goes in to the maids room but she's in there having sex with his dad. He bangs on the door but no one can here him.

The next day...

Son: Dad I understand politics now.

Dad: Good, explain it to me in your own words son.

Son: The management is screwing the working class while the government's fast asleep. The people are being ignored and the future is full of SHIT!

by (few years ago!)
ON A PRESSING MATTER OF STATE


President Vladimir Putin called President Bush with an emergency:
"Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried; "My people's favourite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"

"Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.", replied the President.

"I do need your help," said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tie us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!", said Bush.

"Oh, and one more small favour, please?", said Putin.

"Yes?", replied the President.

"Could the condoms be red in colour and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Yeltsin.

"No problem," replied the President and with that Bush hung up and called the President of Trojan condoms. "I need a favour, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia."

"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.

"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in colour, 10" long and 4" wide."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the President, "Print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."

by (few years ago!)
SURVEYING THE FORMER PRESIDENT


An official Gallup survey polled over 1000 women with the question: Would you sleep with Former US President Bill Clinton?

1% said, "No"
2% said, "Yes"
97% said, "Never Again"

by (few years ago!)
TWO NUNS OUT CYCLING


Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street. The first one says "I've never come this way before"

The second one replies "Must be the cobbles"

by (few years ago!)

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