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Law Jokes; 355 Jokes

MORE AMAZINGLY REAL EXTRACTS FROM AMERICAN COURTROOMS

Are you married
"No, I'm divorced
"And what did your husband do before you divorced him
"A lot of things I didn't know about."

* * *

"Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
"No. This is how I dress when I go to work."

* * *

"Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"

* * *

"Doctor did you say he was shot in the woods?"
"No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."

* * *

"Could you see him from where you were standing? "
"I could see his head."
"And where was his head?"
"Just above his shoulders."

* * *

"...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
"The victim lived."

* * *

"What happened then?"
"He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
"Did he kill you?"
"No."

* * *

"Can you describe the individual?"
"He was about medium height and had a beard."
"Was this a male, or a female?"

* * *

"Are you sexually active?"
"No, I just lie there."

* * *

"Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
"Yes, I have been since early childhood."


by (few years ago!)
A STRANGE STORY

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer. The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.

However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.

"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

by (few years ago!)
MORE AMAZINGLY REAL EXTRACTS FROM AMERICAN COURTROOMS

Are you married? "
"No, I'm divorced."
"And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
"A lot of things I didn't know about."

* * *

"Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
"No. This is how I dress when I go to work."

* * *

"Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"

* * *

"Doctor did you say he was shot in the woods?"
"No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."

* * *

"Could you see him from where you were standing? "
"I could see his head."
"And where was his head?"
"Just above his shoulders."

* * *

"...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
"The victim lived."

* * *

"What happened then?"
"He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
"Did he kill you?"
"No."

* * *

"Can you describe the individual?"
"He was about medium height and had a beard."
"Was this a male, or a female?"

* * *

"Are you sexually active?"
"No, I just lie there."

* * *

"Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
"Yes, I have been since early childhood."


by (few years ago!)
AMAZINGLY REAL EXTRACTS FROM AMERICAN COURTROOMS

Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
"The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
"And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
"No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

* * *

"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

* * *

"Did he kill you?"

* * *

"Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
"All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

* * *

"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

* * *

"How many times have you committed suicide?"

* * *

"How was your first marriage terminated?"
"By death."
"And by whose death was it terminated?"

* * *

"Can you describe the individual?"
"He was about medium height and had a beard."
"Was this a male, or a female?"

* * *

"Were you present when your picture was taken?"

* * *

"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision

by (few years ago!)
ON HEARING THE NEWS


A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly. "Is Mr. Spenser there?" asked the client on the phone.

"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Spenser passed away last night," the receptionist answered. "Can anyone else help you?"

The man paused for a moment, then quietly said, "no" and hung up.

Ten minutes later, he called again and asked for Mr. Spenser, his ex-wife's lawyer. The receptionist said, "You just called a few minutes ago, didn't you? Mr. Spenser has died. I'm not making this up." The man again hung up.

Fifteen minutes later, he called a third time and asked for Mr. Spenser. The receptionist was irked by this time. "I've told you twice already, Mr. Spenser is dead. He is not here! Why do you keep asking for him when I say he's dead? Don't you understand what I'm saying?"

The man replied, "I understand you perfectly. I just like hearing you say it over and over."

by (few years ago!)
IT'S A MATTER OF TRUST


A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summerhouse in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.

On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed.

Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast.

As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.

The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.

Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.

The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.

"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"

by (few years ago!)
FRIVILOUS LAW SUITS BY US JAILBIRDS

A Virginia inmate tried to sue himself for $5 million on the grounds that he had gotten drunk and caused himself to violate his religious beliefs by committing a crime. Because he had no money, he wanted the state to pay the $5 million.

* * *

A San Quentin death row inmate sued California, claiming his civil rights were violated because his packages were sent via UPS rather than the U.S. Postal Service.

* * *

An Oklahoma inmate alleged his religious freedoms were violated but could not say just how, because the main tenet of his faith was that all its practices were secret.

* * *

A Nevada inmate sued when he ordered two jars of chunky peanut butter at the Nevada State Prison canteen and received one chunky and one creamy.

* * *

An Ohio inmate sued for being denied possession of soap on a rope.

* * *

A convicted New York rapist sued the state, claiming he lost sleep and suffered headaches and chest pains after being given a "defective haircut" by an unqualified barber.

* * *

An Oklahoma inmate sued because he was forced to listen to country music.

* * *

An Arizona inmate sued when he was not invited to a pizza party that prison employees held for a guard leaving his job.

* * *

A Colorado con sued for early release because "everyone knows a con only serves about three years of a 10-year sentence."

* * *

An Indiana prisoner sued because he wanted to obtain Regain for his baldness

by (few years ago!)
AN OCCUPATIONAL HAZZARD

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money The gang was very happy to escape. "It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us
The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers... we had $100 when we broke in!"

by (few years ago!)
Lawyer jokes

Whats the difference between a lawyer and an onion You cry when you cup an onion.

by (few years ago!)
Lawyer jokes

Whats the difference between a lawyer and atrampoline?You should take your workboots off beforeyou jump on a trampoline.

by (few years ago!)
Lawyer jokes

Whats the difference between a lawyer and an onion?You cry when you cut up an onion.

by (few years ago!)
Lawyer jokes

What kind of clothes do lawyers wear?Lawsuits.

by (few years ago!)
Lawyer jokes

Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.

by (few years ago!)
Lawyer jokes

Why dont lawyers enjoy playing golf?Because its too much like work, what with all of the lying involved.

by (few years ago!)
Lawyer jokes

The bartender asks him "Whatll you have?". The guy answers, "A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the drink, and says "Thatll be five dollars" to which he replies "What are you talking about I dont owe you anything for this".A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, hes got you there. In the original offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration". The bartenders not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But dont ever let me catch you in here again".The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the hell are you doing in here? I cant believe youve got the audacity to come back!". The guy says "What are you talking about? Ive never been in this place in my life", to which the bartender replies "Im nvery sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double To which the guy replies "Thank you Make it a scotch

by (few years ago!)

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