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Law Jokes; 355 Jokes

Lawyer jokes

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, how many orchards does it take for a lawyer?

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Lawyer jokes

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

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Lawyer jokes

How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?Never enough.

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Lawyer jokes

How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine?Only one if you run him through slowly!

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Lawyer jokes

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?None, theyd rather keep their clients in the dark.

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Lawyer jokes

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?Cut the rope.

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Lawyer jokes

Have you seen the current remake of the movie "Cape Fear"? Its about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer. The question is, while watching the movie, whom do you root for?

by (few years ago!)
Lawyer jokes

Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People were confused about which side to spit on.

by (few years ago!)
Lawyer jokes

At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another: "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for four very good reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants dont get so attached to them, third there are some things even a rat wont do, and fourth sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings."

by (few years ago!)
Lawyer jokes

A person is in the hospital and asked his doctor how much time does he have left to live. The doctor did not want to lie so he told him that he wouldnt make it through the night. So the person calls for his lawyer and asks him to come and sit by his bed. Right before the person dies, the lawyer asks him why did he want him next to him. The dying person replied, "When Jesus died, he had a thief next to him and I want to go the same way."

by (few years ago!)
Lawyer jokes

A man walks into a friend and sees that his friends caris total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches,dirt and blood. He asks his friend,"Whats happened to your car?""Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer"."OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?""Well, I had to chase him all through the park."

by (few years ago!)
Lawyer jokes

A local United Way office realized that it had neverreceived a donation from the towns most successful lawyer. The personin charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute."Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000,you give not a penny to charity. Wouldnt you like to give back to thecommunity in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment andreplied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dyingafter a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times herannual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no.""-or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to awheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out anapology but was interrupted, "-or that my sisters husband died in atraffic accident," the lawyers voice rising in indignation, "leavingher penniless with three children?" The humiliated United Way rep,completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, thelawyer cut him off once again: "-so if I dont give any money to them,why should I give any to you?"

by (few years ago!)
Lawyer jokes

A lawyer with insomnia consulted her doctor. "Which side is it best to lie on?" she asked."The side that pays your fee," replied the doctor.

by (few years ago!)
Lawyer jokes

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlightsbroken and considerable damage. Theres no sign of theoffending vehicle but hes relieved to see that theres anote stuck under the windshield wiper."Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who sawthe accident are nodding and smiling at me because they thinkIm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But Im not."

by (few years ago!)
Lawyer jokes

A doctor was vacationing at the seashore with his family. Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted."Darling, it was just a shark," said his wife when he came to. "Youve got to stop imagining that there are lawyers everywhere."

by (few years ago!)

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