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Law Jokes; 355 Jokes

lawyer jokes

One day, God called the devil and said, "You know that engineer? Well, he's suppose to be up here."

So the devil said, "Are you crazy? I won't give you this guy!"

God said, "Well if you don't, I'll sue!" So the devil said, "Sue? You can't sue me! You don't have any lawyers up there!"

by (few years ago!)
lawyer jokes

The doctor then told her, "Well, then, there is no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

by (few years ago!)
lawyer jokes

The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time, the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."

by (few years ago!)
lawyer jokes

The lawyer exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a lawyer."

The plumber quietly replied, "Neither did I, when I was a lawyer."

by (few years ago!)
lawyer jokes

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.

"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

by (few years ago!)
lawyer jokes

A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was called as a witness at the trial. The defense attorney asked the neighbor, "Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?"

by (few years ago!)
lawyer jokes

It was so cold last winter,
that I saw a lawyer with
his hands in his own pockets

by (few years ago!)
lawyer jokes

The English man offered everyone a crumpet and then he threw it out the window. The English man said, "Don't worry we have plenty of those where I come from."

The American man quickly threw the lawyer out the window. The American said, "Don't worry we have plenty of those where I come from."

by (few years ago!)
lawyer jokes

"I have good news and bad news," the defense attorney calmly told his client. "First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."

by (few years ago!)
lawyer jokes


A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a grand-motherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Bonner, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Hanson. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

by (few years ago!)
lawyer jokes

Then, they get to see where they're going to live. The Pope gets what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18-room mansion with servants and a swimming pool.

At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a kosher TV dinner, and the lawyer receives a fine and tasty meal, served on silver platters.

by (few years ago!)
lawyer jokes

Having many legal problems, including a divorce, a man had become thoroughly disgusted with lawyers in general. One evening in a bar, the conversation got around to his pet peeve and he started 'venting'. "All lawyers are jerks," he loudly proclaimed.

by (few years ago!)
lawyer jokes

The lawyer replied, "The good news is that your ex-wife is not making you pay on any inheritance you receive. And now the bad news - She is marrying your father."

by (few years ago!)
lawyer jokes

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.

By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

by (few years ago!)
lawyer jokes

One evening in December, Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and an old drunk were walking down the street together when all four of them simultaneously spot a hundred-dollar bill. Who gets to keep the money?

The old drunk, of course, because the other three are all mythological creatures.

by (few years ago!)

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